Failed "suicide attempt" + vent

[FadingDawn]

I don't even know if to seriously call this an attempt at this point, more of futile, impotent floundering. Tried partial; had opportunity today, was thinking over it for weeks; tried, and failed. I used a belt, because i had no rope. wedged it behind it a door, and bolted it; had also a nail driven into the other side of the belt and into the door. I had to stand on a pile of towels, so i could reach the belt; put a towel around my neck as well, a thin one, and put the belt around that; then, I knelt down, and tried to get myself into a sitting position. I felt the pressure, and it was uncomfortable. I stood up several times, and had to try again, because I felt myself either kneeling there too long and not blacking out, or getting too uncomortable and still conscious. THe only time I felt something happening was over 20-30 seconds, when I heard my blood pounding in my ears and through my neck, and felt my face get heavy and bulging, and my vision fuzzy and blurred... i kept on like this, but only for a little while; I either thought that this shouldn't be happening and taking too long, or simply because I was a coward pussy. Idk, dude... can anyone else tell me if the blood felt and heard pounding and pulsing is normal, and the heavy, leaden face, etc. I don't ever want to maim myself into brain damage because proper humane CTB alternatives are withed by barbaric ignorance.

After that, I got myself out of the belt, and I felt weak and heavy, but idk if that was with emotion or with an actual physical reaction. I just felt weak, but also just so annoyed and quietly angry, I stayed just on the floor, fed and angry; i didnt feel the urge to move or do shit, I was angry with myself, felt heavy with the pointlessness of it all, the dissapointment -- the embarassment even... I just dont even know anymore man. It felt almost ridiculous. Like so impotent just standing and trying to kneel in a belt-noose with a bulging face, and little feeling -- good or bad -- inside. I wasnt even at one of my most mentally intense breakdowns; but i heartedly wanted to die. i felt like a pussy, and ridiculous, like I'm too weak or too stupid, to properly commit suicide . I just cant stand this existence, and me being me. i just am so fed up rn.... I don't even feel anything dramatic or massive after my attempt... and I've had attempts in the past, where the doing of it actually did make me feel severely emotionally distressed, so idk...

 

[iloverachel]

I am so sorry that you are in so much pain and that your plan failed.
You are not a coward at all or any less of real man for not being able to ctb. You are not weak either. Sounds like you are going through hell. Depression and suicidal thoughts can break even the strongest people in the world.

I hope you are able to escape the pain you currently feel and that your suffering goes away my friend. We're here for you

 

[FadingDawn]

I am so sorry that you are in so much pain and that your plan failed.
You are not a coward at all or any less of real man for not being able to ctb. You are not weak either. Sounds like you are going through hell. Depression and suicidal thoughts can break even the strongest people in the world.

I hope you are able to escape the pain you currently feel and that your suffering goes away my friend. We're here for you

thank you. I just hate this fucking world.

 

[AllMyDreams]

The fact that you failed at CTB doesn't make you any less of a man or a person. Anyway life is hard enough without beating ourselves up and comparing ourselves to others. I hope you can work on being more gentle toward yourself.

 

[anhedonya]

I don't even know if to seriously call this an attempt at this point, more of futile, impotent floundering. Tried partial; had opportunity today, was thinking over it for weeks; tried, and failed. I used a belt, because i had no rope. wedged it behind it a door, and bolted it; had also a nail driven into the other side of the belt and into the door. I had to stand on a pile of towels, so i could reach the belt; put a towel around my neck as well, a thin one, and put the belt around that; then, I knelt down, and tried to get myself into a sitting position. I felt the pressure, and it was uncomfortable. I stood up several times, and had to try again, because I felt myself either kneeling there too long and not blacking out, or getting too uncomortable and still conscious. THe only time I felt something happening was over 20-30 seconds, when I heard my blood pounding in my ears and through my neck, and felt my face get heavy and bulging, and my vision fuzzy and blurred... i kept on like this, but only for a little while; I either thought that this shouldn't be happening and taking too long, or simply because I was a coward pussy. Idk, dude... can anyone else tell me if the blood felt and heard pounding and pulsing is normal, and the heavy, leaden face, etc. I don't ever want to maim myself into brain damage because proper humane CTB alternatives are withed by barbaric ignorance.

After that, I got myself out of the belt, and I felt weak and heavy, but idk if that was with emotion or with an actual physical reaction. I just felt weak, but also just so annoyed and quietly angry, I stayed just on the floor, fed and angry; i didnt feel the urge to move or do shit, I was angry with myself, felt heavy with the pointlessness of it all, the dissapointment -- the embarassment even... I just dont even know anymore man. It felt almost ridiculous. Like so impotent just standing and trying to kneel in a belt-noose with a bulging face, and little feeling -- good or bad -- inside. I wasnt even at one of my most mentally intense breakdowns; but i heartedly wanted to die. i felt like a pussy, and ridiculous, like I'm too weak or too stupid, to properly commit suicide -- like a "real man", or whatever. I just cant stand this existence, and me being me. i just am so fed up rn.... I don't even feel anything dramatic or massive after my attempt... and I've had attempts in the past, where the doing of it actually did make me feel severely emotionally distressed, so idk...

I'm about to go into work so I can't answer as throughly as I usually would but I don't personally know if that's normal as I haven't tried these methods. Just from my knowledge though trying the methods you did over and over without success can do very serious long term damage. I'm sorry you're struggling and having a hard time, but please stop trying that stuff.

I definitely know what you mean about the embarrassment and shame afterwards. I don't think you're weak or shameful though, you're just someone going through a lot. I don't think you need to "man up" and just do it or anything of the sort.

Is there any activity you could do today that might help you feel a bit better? Please focus on yourself and try to not over exert your body for a few days. Best of luck!!

 

[FadingDawn]

I'm about to go into work so I can't answer as throughly as I usually would but I don't personally know if that's normal as I haven't tried these methods. Just from my knowledge though trying the methods you did over and over without success can do very serious long term damage. I'm sorry you're struggling and having a hard time, but please stop trying that stuff.

I definitely know what you mean about the embarrassment and shame afterwards. I don't think you're weak or shameful though, you're just someone going through a lot. I don't think you need to "man up" and just do it or anything of the sort.

Is there any activity you could do today that might help you feel a bit better? Please focus on yourself and try to not over exert your body for a few days. Best of luck!!

what's with this people recently and coming on here like "sorry to hear you're not feeling well, but try not to try to kys again and find something to 'feel better'"

Are you that guy from reddit, who confessed to outing sources, here?
But I was wondering; how do you think method can lead to long term damage. I know of people passing out, and the material used to suspend snapping, leaving them with braindamage; and people walking in, before they fully die, leading to the same thing...

But if you're genuinly helpful , could you please link me any sources on the damage that repeating this method without blanking out can happen?

 

[anhedonya]

what's with this people recently and coming on here like "sorry to hear you're not feeling well, but try not to try to kys again and find something to 'feel better'"

Are you that guy from reddit, who confessed to outing sources, here?
But I was wondering; how do you think method can lead to long term damage. I know of people passing out, and the material used to suspend snapping, leaving them with braindamage; and people walking in, before they fully die, leading to the same thing...

But if you're genuinly helpful , could you please link me any sources on the damage that repeating this method without blanking out can happen?

??? I never said you couldn't try again I just said this method can cause long term damage because you're suffocating oxygen away from your brain over and over trying.. which is like basic knowledge of the human body and how oxygen depletion hurts a person??? If you think I'm the Reddit guy I guess I can't stop you from thinking that but I don't understand how you got to the conclusion just because I show empathy and compassion to everyone I talk to including you. Sorry to have bothered you.

 

[FadingDawn]

??? I never said you couldn't try again I just said this method can cause long term damage because you're suffocating oxygen away from your brain over and over trying.. which is like basic knowledge of the human body and how oxygen depletion hurts a person??? If you think I'm the Reddit guy I guess I can't stop you from thinking that but I don't understand how you got to the conclusion just because I show empathy and compassion to everyone I talk to including you. Sorry to have bothered you.

Well, look, I'm sorry I over reacted. You just came across like a pro-lifer at times. I appreciate your concern and time, thank you. I Just am desperate to finally die, but feel like all my attempts to do so are too weak and non-commital. I've attempted this in my early youth as well, the method; but i am and always have been a retard -- my brain ain't nothing worth preserving lol. But sorry, and thank you anyway

 

[rozeske]

Those feelings without passing out mean you are doing it wrong. Reading the hanging megathread especially the comments section could be helpful. Practically everything on hanging is covered there.

 

[FadingDawn]

Those feelings without passing out mean you are doing it wrong. Reading the hanging megathread especially the comments section could be helpful. Practically everything on hanging is covered there.

thank you, ill try to re read that; though i probably wont have the opportunity for another week or therabouts. thanks

 

[anhedonya]

Well, look, I'm sorry I over reacted. You just came across like a pro-lifer at times. I appreciate your concern and time, thank you. I Just am desperate to finally die, but feel like all my attempts to do so are too weak and non-commital. I've attempted this in my early youth as well, the method; but i am and always have been a retard -- my brain ain't nothing worth preserving lol. But sorry, and thank you anyway

It's okay! I think it's because I was logging into work like right as I was typing that so I just didn't have time to write it as nuanced as I would've liked.

I understand what you mean by feeling desperate, but I don't think you're dumb or can't commit. You sound very intelligent and able to reflect which is more than a lot of people can say about themselves :)

 

[groundeddiscipline]

Be careful I did this exact same thing and ended up with serious brain damage.