IDontKnowEverything
Please stop it
- Mar 2, 2025
- 103
I learnt and understood what death was at the age of 3, and have been deeply obsessive with the idea alone itself..
Not always as myself as a point of reference.
As a child, I was buried in books, mangas, video games, music, whatever had a story, whatever gave me the illusion of living and learning through others.
I used to hate endings. All of the things I read either ended, or weren't released until the end, thus ending my experience of these lives with them.
I used to hate that so much, yet it was a constant. Endings, the death of ideas that were always so vivid to me.
The first time I was "contemplating" my own ending that I remember was when I was 7 or 8, standing on the roof of my elementary school.
It had a fence, and me not being nor fully disabled nor fully able bodied as I should have been, I knew some others could climb over it but that I wasn't amongst those people.
Yet I stared at the low enough ground the entire lunch break.
I'm on the spectrum and always hid away places to escape anyway, not like it was a strange occurrence, as pointless as it is me trying to explain myself now.
Death is a constant, and I am someone who has always philosophied very much.
Yet, I never could get my brain to fully comprehend it.
I believe I spent a small portion of my concious life idolising it, fully believing in it, in my disappearance.
Yet, it was an up and down thing?
Sometimes it would be the only thing I genuinely seek, despite functioning seemingly like always.
Other times, the loss of my consciousness is the most terrifying thing in the world.
I would hope it's just like going to sleep.
You simply stop thinking, stop feeling, stop existing. No more pain nor struggle.
(I complain but don't pity me too much, I'm a little effed apparently but I fully stand by the fact that my life could have been colossally worse. There's a lot of guilt following the fact I constantly acknowledge this truth. I wish for recovery but every time it gets better, it's only for the tiniest of whiles, why.)
I always was a thinker.. and losing this is at least in the current instance in time, once again really scary.
It's like there is a constant battle with my mind and physical state, against my base instincts.
So, so much can actually be written off by how your body reacts and how we accomodate our situations to our physical needs that go hand by hand with the mental ones.
Back to the topic.. death.
Might as well speed the process up a little, you know? haha.
Although my words were very scattered, I was trying to capture a certain perspective on it.
As delicious as the idea often sounds, despite the fact we only itch closer be it by age or by success, each time I got "close", either my feelings fully shut down for inconsistent amounts of time, either just panic attack, sometimes mixed with numbness and void, other times mixed with a deep sadness.
I, once again took a small amount of alcohol, so although I'm by no means drunk, please forgive if at some point (or most of the time) I have had poor self expression, inconsistency or repetition.
This is something I wrote now.. I feel like covered a part of it, but also like I am by no means close to capturing what I actually wanted to fully say?
In any case, this was longer than I originally meant it to be, I apologize.
I posted a thread before about what life feels like for you. I didn't reply to anyone after all, but all of it I went through more then once, I feel for all of you, truly I'm sending my heart out to you, and may you all find your own respective versions of peace. Love you all truly.
This thread I meant as a way for me to write a little, but also to hear from you guys if you're willing.
What does death (the idea of, the expectation of), feel like to you? Be it in philosophy or experience. Simply the thoughts you wish to write, nothing more, nothing less.
Regardless if you answer or not, read this text of mine fully or not, as always, you guys I'm sending many digital hugs your way, and I wish you all truly, but truly the best that can be.
Not always as myself as a point of reference.
As a child, I was buried in books, mangas, video games, music, whatever had a story, whatever gave me the illusion of living and learning through others.
I used to hate endings. All of the things I read either ended, or weren't released until the end, thus ending my experience of these lives with them.
I used to hate that so much, yet it was a constant. Endings, the death of ideas that were always so vivid to me.
The first time I was "contemplating" my own ending that I remember was when I was 7 or 8, standing on the roof of my elementary school.
It had a fence, and me not being nor fully disabled nor fully able bodied as I should have been, I knew some others could climb over it but that I wasn't amongst those people.
Yet I stared at the low enough ground the entire lunch break.
I'm on the spectrum and always hid away places to escape anyway, not like it was a strange occurrence, as pointless as it is me trying to explain myself now.
Death is a constant, and I am someone who has always philosophied very much.
Yet, I never could get my brain to fully comprehend it.
I believe I spent a small portion of my concious life idolising it, fully believing in it, in my disappearance.
Yet, it was an up and down thing?
Sometimes it would be the only thing I genuinely seek, despite functioning seemingly like always.
Other times, the loss of my consciousness is the most terrifying thing in the world.
I would hope it's just like going to sleep.
You simply stop thinking, stop feeling, stop existing. No more pain nor struggle.
(I complain but don't pity me too much, I'm a little effed apparently but I fully stand by the fact that my life could have been colossally worse. There's a lot of guilt following the fact I constantly acknowledge this truth. I wish for recovery but every time it gets better, it's only for the tiniest of whiles, why.)
I always was a thinker.. and losing this is at least in the current instance in time, once again really scary.
It's like there is a constant battle with my mind and physical state, against my base instincts.
So, so much can actually be written off by how your body reacts and how we accomodate our situations to our physical needs that go hand by hand with the mental ones.
Back to the topic.. death.
Might as well speed the process up a little, you know? haha.
Although my words were very scattered, I was trying to capture a certain perspective on it.
As delicious as the idea often sounds, despite the fact we only itch closer be it by age or by success, each time I got "close", either my feelings fully shut down for inconsistent amounts of time, either just panic attack, sometimes mixed with numbness and void, other times mixed with a deep sadness.
I, once again took a small amount of alcohol, so although I'm by no means drunk, please forgive if at some point (or most of the time) I have had poor self expression, inconsistency or repetition.
This is something I wrote now.. I feel like covered a part of it, but also like I am by no means close to capturing what I actually wanted to fully say?
In any case, this was longer than I originally meant it to be, I apologize.
I posted a thread before about what life feels like for you. I didn't reply to anyone after all, but all of it I went through more then once, I feel for all of you, truly I'm sending my heart out to you, and may you all find your own respective versions of peace. Love you all truly.
This thread I meant as a way for me to write a little, but also to hear from you guys if you're willing.
What does death (the idea of, the expectation of), feel like to you? Be it in philosophy or experience. Simply the thoughts you wish to write, nothing more, nothing less.
Regardless if you answer or not, read this text of mine fully or not, as always, you guys I'm sending many digital hugs your way, and I wish you all truly, but truly the best that can be.
