Simultaneously Close to Suicide and Recovery

[SnakesButNoLadder]

I've been living in a bad situation for about six years. I was bullied into panic attacks as an apprentice (in the United Kingdom) and then when I complained I was harassed/stalked for a extended period. The college covered it up; they opened an investigation on a Friday closed it on a Monday. And the police were similarly dismissive. I've not been able to leave the house due to fear of further harassment or even violence.

I tried so hard to get closure, but dropped the pursuit because of my mental health and it seemed un-winnable. Sometimes you don't get closure, you just move on.

Now, I'm close to recovery. I've been working with the hospital to try to move to a different part of the UK, employment support there is trying to help me get a job before I move. I'm looking at rental properties, making cashflows - looking forward to being feeling safe again.

But I'm also having to sort through a lot of old paperwork, and it's bringing back bad memories. I'm ruminating every morning, and I feel very impulsive and suicidal.

I feel like I'm so close to recovery, but I also feel like I'm so close to suicide.

 

[jinx <3]

I'm so sorry you've gone through any of this. It isn't fair that you've been pushed to your breaking points by others like this.

I too feel like I'm on the verge of recovery and suicide. It's really frustrating to feel good one moment and shitty the next. One day I'll wake up feeling so happy, and the very next minute I'll contemplate drowning myself. I usually only feel safe and sound when around others I trust, but sometimes the suicidality seeps through even to those situations. It's a sad state to be in, living between suicide and recovery, but it will get better. I won't pretend to know how it will, but it will, either in life... or in death.