Sick of existing.

[kalashnikova]

Existing is mans worst punishment. I constantly fantasize about suicide and lately I've been only passively thinking about it. Some days I feel really motivated to end it all and then others it can be hard. Sometimes the guilt of leaving those who love me behind (mainly close family) eats me up and I have to remind myself that we will all die. No one in this world understands just how bad I want to die, I really need to be taken out of my misery. This month was supposed to be the month that I was going to end it but due to certain circumstances, I wasn't even able to do anything.

Everything feels like it's out of my reach, even dying by your own hand is hard to do. I am sure that if I were to try to decapitate myself via train or blow my brains out OR even jumping off a tall building.. that it would work and I would succeed! It's just so exhausting having to research and research. I'm so sick of everything.

I'm very motivated to get it done and hopefully it'll be done very soon, perhaps even this month or during November but then that would mean having to wait it out and a close family member of mine would be giving birth that month so I feel like that will make people think that I'm just trying to get attention or something, I don't know what the fuck to do. I feel like I've been going in loops with my plans these past 3 years and I'm so done with it, I just want to stick to one plan and get it done with.

 

[unhappycamper80]

Try to get some help so you can feel better............ What's your life circumstance that makes you feel this way?

 

[FuneralCry]

I really understand, I also feel so tired of it all and all I want is to be gone, I just hope and wish to never suffer ever again, I always find it so torturous to suffer in this futile existence, I hope you find the freedom you search for, I wish you the best.

 

[final.call]

Existing is mans worst punishment. I constantly fantasize about suicide and lately I've been only passively thinking about it. Some days I feel really motivated to end it all and then others it can be hard. Sometimes the guilt of leaving those who love me behind (mainly close family) eats me up and I have to remind myself that we will all die. No one in this world understands just how bad I want to die, I really need to be taken out of my misery. This month was supposed to be the month that I was going to end it but due to certain circumstances, I wasn't even able to do anything.

Everything feels like it's out of my reach, even dying by your own hand is hard to do. I am sure that if I were to try to decapitate myself via train or blow my brains out OR even jumping off a tall building.. that it would work and I would succeed! It's just so exhausting having to research and research. I'm so sick of everything.

I'm very motivated to get it done and hopefully it'll be done very soon, perhaps even this month or during November but then that would mean having to wait it out and a close family member of mine would be giving birth that month so I feel like that will make people think that I'm just trying to get attention or something, I don't know what the fuck to do. I feel like I've been going in loops with my plans these past 3 years and I'm so done with it, I just want to stick to one plan and get it done with.

I can totally relate to you, I'm sure many of us can.

Think of research as preparation. The saying goes, 'failing to prepare is preparing to fail'. The more research you do, the more likely you are to succeed and the less anxious you'll be if / when you choose to CTB.

From personal experience, your motivation to do the necessary research builds as your desire to CTB increases. Think of it as a natural / logical process and try not to overwhelm yourself.

Whether you want to do it this month or in 6 months, plan accordingly and stick to it. In the meantime, try not to overthink it and instead try and make peace with it if you're absolutely sure it's what you want.

I feel like I'm talking to myself here lol, but I hope my insight helps you.

 

[Off_Switch]

This is probably the complete embodiment of the way everyone here feels. We will eventually get our day.