RedIris
Member
- Feb 23, 2023
- 15
I have been having suicidal ideations for a while, but for the past 6 months those thoughts felt different. I picture myself ending my life with diferent methods in details and the term suicide is not just hanging over my mind, it feels like its actually coming in the next few years. I think about it almost every day and crying myself to sleep.
Few months into our relationship 3 years ago i told my partner about my self harm and she helped me greatly to deal with it. We werent nearly as close then as we are now and as i never talked about any of my deeper problems with my loved members of family, i just cant bring myself to talk to her about it. She became basicaly my family and i just cant approach her with it. She is aware of my struggles but back 3 years ago i convinced her that i self harm for relief, not that i want to die. Which was true back then. And i trully dont wish to die either, but i dont see any other way out if the life circumstances will get as bad as im predicting in the nearby future.
Now, these vivid thoughts of my suicide are slowly becoming more "realistic" and are making me feel a different type of fear too. As i said, if my life circumstances allowed me to, i'd want to keep living. I really want to seek some kind of comfort in her relating to this. I think that she would make me feel better, at least momentarely, but i know it will hurt her a lot to hear it. I really cant bring myself to hurt her to help myself. I dont know even if i should.
Few months into our relationship 3 years ago i told my partner about my self harm and she helped me greatly to deal with it. We werent nearly as close then as we are now and as i never talked about any of my deeper problems with my loved members of family, i just cant bring myself to talk to her about it. She became basicaly my family and i just cant approach her with it. She is aware of my struggles but back 3 years ago i convinced her that i self harm for relief, not that i want to die. Which was true back then. And i trully dont wish to die either, but i dont see any other way out if the life circumstances will get as bad as im predicting in the nearby future.
Now, these vivid thoughts of my suicide are slowly becoming more "realistic" and are making me feel a different type of fear too. As i said, if my life circumstances allowed me to, i'd want to keep living. I really want to seek some kind of comfort in her relating to this. I think that she would make me feel better, at least momentarely, but i know it will hurt her a lot to hear it. I really cant bring myself to hurt her to help myself. I dont know even if i should.
