Story Should I stop caring so much about my parents finding my body?

[sklvlp999]

so I'm pretty sure it's my time to go, after a lot of bad choices and a very bad break-up recently I've found it so difficult to find reasons again.
I'm also pretty sure my method is by hanging in my doorknob (I had a friend who did it this way) but I know the most probable outcome is my parents finding me as we live together.
They love me and I love them but also it's my life idk if I should do it elsewhere but if I had one wish it would be to die in my room.
Any thoughts

 

[FuneralCry]

It's up to you and anyway everyone has to die someday, somewhere, I see death as something very normal as it's all we are destined for.

 

[sklvlp999]

I know but I don't want to be selfish or potentially ruin their lives forever even their circle will look at them different.
So it's either I do it in my room or I travel but the urge is so big I'm not sure I can wait days

 

[carac]

Just depends how desperate you are. I didn't want my mum to find me, it would have destroyed her but in the end I was left with little or no choice

 

[sklvlp999]

Just depends how desperate you are. I didn't want my mum to find me, it would have destroyed her but in the end I was left with little or no choice

So did you actually try in your room

 

[NightingaleOde]

It sounds like there thought of your folks finding you really bothers you. Maybe a motel room would be best? My boss took himself out that way. I had to meet with his widow and 2 small children to help them find crisis counseling, and though they were devastated, his late wife expressed gratitude for his at least having not done it in their home. Hard to stay in a place where a loved one took their own life, I would think.

 

[sklvlp999]

It sounds like there thought of your folks finding you really bothers you. Maybe a motel room would be best? My boss took himself out that way. I had to meet with his widow and 2 small children to help them find crisis counseling, and though they were devastated, his late wife expressed gratitude for his at least having not done it in their home. Hard to stay in a place where a loved one took their own life, I would think.

Thank you for your perspective.
On one hand doing it in a motel room feels like a good idea in terms of somebody else finding me.
But it also feels sad to leave this world in such a cold place where you don't belong.
Idk if it makes sense

 

[NightingaleOde]

I get that, but is it any less sad to leave the world in one's own home that doesn't feel like enough of a home to stay alive in? I know people may jump on me for saying this, but my instinct, based on the depth of your ambivalence, is that maybe this decision is a bit premature? I have horrible relentless depression (which is probably unnecessary for me to say since I'm here), and if there's no other way to find peace than taking one's life, then I support it philosophically and morally. But is there a nucleus of hope that's making you hesitate? I sense there is. If so, then you may want to listen to that nucleus as a possible life instinct.

Sending best wishes either way. I'm so sorry you're e hurting so bad. ❤

 

[Readytogo246]

If it were me I would do a hotel rather than infuse the death energy into my parent's home. It seems like their well being is important to you so maybe think how you could make the hotel feel comfy as a place you want to be.

 

[sklvlp999]

I get that, but is it any less sad to leave the world in one's own home that doesn't feel like enough of a home to stay alive in? I know people may jump on me for saying this, but my instinct, based on the depth of your ambivalence, is that maybe this decision is a bit premature? I have horrible relentless depression (which is probably unnecessary for me to say since I'm here), and if there's no other way to find peace than taking one's life, then I support it philosophically and morally. But is there a nucleus of hope that's making you hesitate? I sense there is. If so, then you may want to listen to that nucleus as a possible life instinct.

Sending best wishes either way. I'm so sorry you're e hurting so bad. ❤

Again thank you for your support and I get your words but it's more difficult than that I guess.
I've been having these thoughts increasingly for months now and at some point I wanted to come to this realization too, that I have a nucleous I should be grateful for but it's me who has to deal with all these thoughts on the daily and at some point I should look after myself too.
I know based on my ambivalence it might feel premature but it is the only doubt left.
Thank you and I'm sorry to hear about your problems too

 

[betternever2havbeen]

It's completely your choice ofc but in your situation I think I would wait a few months and see how you feel then. It'd give you time to get over the break-up at least, and a chance to put your bad choices into perspective. A LOT can happen in a few weeks or months. But I don't know how bad things are for you right now, so I'm not judging you whatever you decide

 

[sklvlp999]

If it were me I would do a hotel rather than infuse the death energy into my parent's home. It seems like their well being is important to you so maybe think how you could make the hotel feel comfy as a place you want to

Thank you I see your point and it might be the best idea to find a hotel for a couple nights.
I'm still thinking about it tho because it seems so easy to do it here.
I know probably it won't be but I feel like it would work 100%

It's completely your choice ofc but in your situation I think I would wait a few months and see how you feel then. It'd give you time to get over the break-up at least, and a chance to put your bad choices into perspective. A LOT can happen in a few weeks or months. But I don't know how bad things are for you right now, so I'm not judging you whatever you decide

Thank you for your words
It's been a few months already but I'd say it's not so much about the break-up or my bad decisions but something deeper I've been struggling with for years.
I can't find anything that will change my vision of this place.
Again thank you

 

[NightingaleOde]

The collective amount of pain on this website is staggering. I.pray that you all find peace, whatever the route.Thanks all for not judging me. I'm feeling confused and exhausted. I'm a trauma psychologist and have spent nearly 30 years trying to help people heal. My ethics code has insisted that I try to prevent suicide. I have tried very hard to do that. I just feel bad for those folks -- many, I'm afraid -- who have hung in there without much reprieve from the pain. There's much dogma in mental health, which is most rigid when it comes to suicide. But I had an epiphany on 9/11, as I watched those poor people trapped in the towers choose to jump over being burned alive. It slowly sunk in over the years since: who am I -- or is anyone -- to say that the psychological agony of intractable depression is fundamentally different from that relentlessly upward-creeping fire that forced people to jump? There's a basic rationality in both scenarios that I think many are scared to acknowledge. But as Dylan said, "Don't criticize what you can't understand."

 

[sklvlp999]

The collective amount of pain on this website is staggering. I.pray that you all find peace, whatever the route.Thanks all for not judging me. I'm feeling confused and exhausted. I'm a trauma psychologist and have spent nearly 30 years trying to help people heal. My ethics code has insisted that I try to prevent suicide. I have tried very hard to do that. I just feel bad for those folks -- many, I'm afraid -- who have hung in there without much reprieve from the pain. There's much dogma in mental health, which is most rigid when it comes to suicide. But I had an epiphany on 9/11, as I watched those poor people trapped in the towers choose to jump over being burned alive. It slowly sunk in over the years since: who am I -- or is anyone -- to say that the psychological agony of intractable depression is fundamentally different from that relentlessly upward-creeping fire that forced people to jump? There's a basic rationality in both scenarios that I think many are scared to acknowledge. But as Dylan said, "Don't criticize what you can't understand."

I find it so so interesting to read about your realization regarding that scenario and the pain most of us in here feel coming from inside.
In both cases the circumstances lead you to take a decision that from the outside could be seen as irrational or exaggerated but truth is only from the inside you can tell it's the only choice left.
I also have thought for years that I will never hang in there simply watching life go by while pain consumes me, I'd rather realize that it's my time before turning into a shadow.
And I love that Dylan quote!

Thank you so much

 

[rozeske]

Am also in the same situation, planning partial from my rooms doorknob. That is where am the most comfortable. I of course hate the idea of my families being the ones to find my body, they may also endap associating the house to my death. I would have avoided those if I could but this is my only available option. There aren't any secluded wooden areas around me i could do it in and even if there were I wouldn't feel comfortable doing it there in the middle of the cold night. I can't get a motel and even if I could not only would it make me uncomfortable but also partial is not straight forward like full suspension and I may fail on a few tries and have to come back home which would be hard to explain in my current situation. At the end of the day yes it would be considerate to think of others in this situations but I believe what makes me comfortable in my last moments and what makes my attempt successful is what should matter the most to me. Maybe that makes me sound evil and selfish but so be it. Maybe I am.

 

[carac]

So did you actually try in your room

First I tried in the Bathroom using the shower rail (it was pretty strong) I did think about putting a sign on the door or something but I was just so low functioning it was just about everything I could do to get everything I needed together and leave a note. Then I tried in the hallway off the bannisters, that would have been the worst had I succeded because I would have literally been there in front of my mother as she walked in the front door.

 

[sklvlp999]

Am also in the same situation, planning partial from my rooms doorknob. That is where am the most comfortable. I of course hate the idea of my families being the ones to find my body, they may also endap associating the house to my death. I would have avoided those if I could but this is my only available option. There aren't any secluded wooden areas around me i could do it in and even if there were I wouldn't feel comfortable doing it there in the middle of the cold night. I can't get a motel and even if I could not only would it make me uncomfortable but also partial is not straight forward like full suspension and I may fail on a few tries and have to come back home which would be hard to explain in my current situation. At the end of the day yes it would be considerate to think of others in this situations but I believe what makes me comfortable in my last moments and what makes my attempt successful is what should matter the most to me. Maybe that makes me sound evil and selfish but so be it. Maybe I am.

I don't believe you are evil for choosing to put yourself first specially in such an important decision like how to end one's life.
I think of writing something like a goodbye note to them where explaining that while it was sad to live I'd rather leave being near them or under the same roof than going away just to die in a foreign place.
I hope they'll understand it
Much love

First I tried in the Bathroom using the shower rail (it was pretty strong) I did think about putting a sign on the door or something but I was just so low functioning it was just about everything I could do to get everything I needed together and leave a note. Then I tried in the hallway off the bannisters, that would have been the worst had I succeded because I would have literally been there in front of my mother as she walked in the front door.

I'm sorry to hear about your failed attempts but yes maybe it wasn't meant to happen bc of the consequences and you can find a better place now.

 

[Old Friend]

It's the last thing I'd want to do to my parents (I feel ctb is harsh enough) but I appreciate it's difficult if you live at home.

 

[sklvlp999]

It's the last thing I'd want to do to my parents (I feel ctb is harsh enough) but I appreciate it's difficult if you live at home.

It's not about living at home bc I could go away for a couple nights.
But about owning my last moments too

 

[Old Friend]

That's fair.

 

[Aim]

If they are assholes, yess. But If they are kind, loving and caring people, then definitely no.

 

[sklvlp999]

If they are assholes, yess. But If they are kind, loving and caring people, then definitely no.

They are definitely kind and loving

 

[Aim]

Then Absolutely a big NO! You don't want to hurt them for life

 

[sklvlp999]

Then Absolutely a big NO! You don't want to hurt them for life

I will anyways but I get your point.
Maybe find somewhere else
Thanks

 

[brokeandbroken]

so I'm pretty sure it's my time to go, after a lot of bad choices and a very bad break-up recently I've found it so difficult to find reasons again.
I'm also pretty sure my method is by hanging in my doorknob (I had a friend who did it this way) but I know the most probable outcome is my parents finding me as we live together.
They love me and I love them but also it's my life idk if I should do it elsewhere but if I had one wish it would be to die in my room.
Any thoughts

I can't help as my parents don't give a flying fuck about me.... So the calculus changes. If I died and my parents found my body to be honest I think it would be funny.

 

[sklvlp999]

I can't help as my parents don't give a flying fuck about me.... So the calculus changes. If I died and my parents found my body to be honest I think it would be funny.

I'm not in your situation but much strength

 

[dinosavr]

Thank you for your perspective.
On one hand doing it in a motel room feels like a good idea in terms of somebody else finding me.
But it also feels sad to leave this world in such a cold place where you don't belong.
Idk if it makes sense

I've decided to do it in a hotel room even though I love my room and I feel the most comfortable in there. But I thought about taking my own favorite blanket and teddy bear to make it feel a little bit more like home. Maybe it will help you, too.

 

[cosmic_traveler]

I know that when they discover this body they will ask a relative to identify. I'm leaving a note to contact our narcissist father or sister.

I agree with a lot of the other comments, it looks like you are able to use a motel, that'll at least spare your parents the initial image. Be well on your journey.

 

[Sid19]

I know but I don't want to be selfish or potentially ruin their lives forever even their circle will look at them different.
So it's either I do it in my room or I travel but the urge is so big I'm not sure I can wait days

Get hotel something? It doesn't take days to get one right. I don't want sound harsh, but give themselves a bit slack. They will see their child die in their own place. I don't know how will they be able to cope and get over it. If they care about you then it will most certainly going to be a very bad choice to do it in your own house.

 

[sklvlp999]

I've decided to do it in a hotel room even though I love my room and I feel the most comfortable in there. But I thought about taking my own favorite blanket and teddy bear to make it feel a little bit more like home. Maybe it will help you, too.

Thank you I might take some things with me too. That might make it easier

I know that when they discover this body they will ask a relative to identify. I'm leaving a note to contact our narcissist father or sister.

I agree with a lot of the other comments, it looks like you are able to use a motel, that'll at least spare your parents the initial image. Be well on your journey.

I didn't think about it so it would make sense to tell some relative maybe uncle or cousin to be that figure.
Thank you

Get hotel something? It doesn't take days to get one right. I don't want sound harsh, but give themselves a bit slack. They will see their child die in their own place. I don't know how will they be able to cope and get over it. If they care about you then it will most certainly going to be a very bad choice to do it in your own house.

Thank you it's not harsh I get it and it seems like the best option.
I know either ways it's going to be difficult to cope with it but I understand what you're saying.
Appreciate it