Help should i feel guilty that i'm still trying to sign up for driving lessons when i'm suicidal?

[eggsausagerice]

i can't seem to find a cheaper alternative/a dirt cheap driving school. for six hours behind the wheel i'll need to ask my mom to spend 480 dollars on me, her depressed son that sleeps all day. what's the point? am i even worth that much money??

all i have is working towards my license right now, since i live in texas. my entire life has been on hold since i dropped out of my community college out of depression that i couldn't make friends and relied on my dad. now that my dad is working he and my mom have been on me telling me to learn how to drive. no one in my family knows how to drive and my friends can't help me. i renewed my learner's permit this month. sometimes i want to cry because i just want to progress the way everyone else can. no one wants to hang out with me because i can't drive. i live too far away. i can't get a job because i can't drive to interviews or to work. nothing is walkable. texas isn't friendly to people like me and is actively hostile to people that can't drive. high school kids get taught by their parents, their friends, or a driving instructor if they can shill out such a big wad of money. sometimes i feel an intense envy towards people that know how to drive, because i'm in a situation where it's very hard for me.

if i kill myself the month i get my license, i'll feel really guilty about it. but i've spent so long not having one that i feel incredibly depressed by the amount of experiences i've lost and the meaningless things i've done sitting at home because i don't have the freedom to leave my house. i'm so tired of having no freedom and just burdening the people around me. no one wants to drive me. no one wants to take up the responsibility of having to drive me. it makes me want to throw my blanket over my head and give up. just because i'm trying doesn't make the situation any easier.

my sister expects me to learn how to drive and to look for a job as well, but it's not like she knows how to drive or has a license either. we're in the exact same situation, so we can't help each other. it feels easier to die than keep struggling like this. my mom doesn't believe in me. i just want to been seen as someone responsible, but i know i'm not. people will only respect me once i have a job. i feel so sad that i'm still just seen as a child by my parents and my friends because i can't do things on my own. when i tell people about my situation they feel sad for me but they can't help me either. i feel all twisted up inside.

 

[Hvergelmir]

I strongly believe that one ought to try hard to improve things, up to the very point where only surrender remains. To give up, because one might have to give up, is just a self referential spiral of despair.
A license would be a realistic and serious attempt at improving things.

Speak to your parents: "Living here, I need a license. How can we make that happen?".
Take whatever practical and financial support you can get. Investing in you child's driver's license isn't a waste of money. And if you end up killing yourself, you and they at least tried to move things in the right direction, before giving up.

 

[Sadocan]

Hi. this is my first post here. First I want to add that what you wrote is specially relatable to me. I don't know how to drive either ( even though i have a driver's license. It's just been too long since i last drove a car). I also feel some envy towards the people who do know how to drive. I feel lesser, less responsible and more childish because of it. No one in my family ever bothered much to teach me. My cousin tried one time, but then never again. I feel really pathetic because of that, but at least my city has somewhat average public transportation.

Anyways, I don't think you should feel guilty at all for trying to improve your life. I also don't think you should feel guilty because you don't have a driver's lincense, nor a job. Some people say that guilt is a motivator to do better. However, I think that is only the case for some people. My general experience is that guilt only holds me down. That may be because since I am, too, suicidal, guilt reinforces my deppression rather than motivate me to do better. Only when I let go of guilt, I can have a better life. Maybe that will work for you too.

Recently I've been trying to do just that and it kinda worked. Whenever i feel guilt i just turn it around 90 degrees and it just goes around me instead of hitting me in the face every time. I can walk with my head a little higher now, and i'm not as shy as i used to be.

Wish you the best, whatever that means for you.

 

[eggsausagerice]

Some people say that guilt is a motivator to do better. However, I think that is only the case for some people. My general experience is that guilt only holds me down. That may be because since I am, too, suicidal, guilt reinforces my deppression rather than motivate me to do better. Only when I let go of guilt, I can have a better life. Maybe that will work for you too.

looking at the cost of driving lessons makes me feel guilty that i exist. if i didn't exist, or if i died, my mom wouldn't have to pay 480 dollars for my lessons. she would just have to give me a funeral, and then she'd never have to pay for any of my things ever again. and then my sister could clear out my room and sell all the things i own to pay for her college classes. it would all make sense and it would end cleanly. it's eating me up because i feel like i just want to die instead of make her life more inconvenient, because she already doesn't like me and sees me as ungrateful.

my sister should be getting a license instead of me. it's just easier for me to get it because i'm at home all the time, so i can go to lessons. i don't seem to qualify for any financial aid yet. i need my physical learner's permit to come in the mail so that i can scan it for the supplemental security income form. it's my only ID. it's hard to not see my existence as completely inconsequential since i always have the option to just burrow in the ground and let myself rot than burden others by asking for help or support. i hate asking people for things. my mom doesn't want to care about me and i've never been able to have a 1 on 1 conversation with her in my life, because she's always believed that i owe her for giving birth to me and she's the only one that's capable of loving me. she wants to ruin my confidence and expects me to be independent at the same time. sometimes i wish she would kill me if she only wants me if i have no friends and no money to leave her house.

i know i'm not a failure, but society sees me as a failure. i'm extremely afraid at the thought of my next birthday coming around and everything is the exact same, and i'm laying in bed at 2 pm on a monday instead of doing anything with my life. i'm tired of people thinking that everything is so easy if i just try. this year has ruined me. i'm extremely self conscious of myself and i just want to scuttle away instead of talk to people. i can't afford therapy and i can't afford more psych wards. there are so many ways that i could ruin my life further. i could ruin it all in one day by breaking one of my legs or something, then my mom would mock me and say i'm too useless to do anything. i shouldn't want that to happen, since i want to get better. but it seems like nothing will ever change because i feel guilty that i want to have a place in people's lives. it's so hard to get better when i hate myself.

 

[Mr.Tristesse]

"if I kill myself".

That's always going go to be a huge if for everyone.

So therefore it makes sense to do things that improve your life and learning to drive is a big example of such a thing.

 

[Pluto]

 

[eggsausagerice]

i'm crying because i'm sad. this video is so awesome still. how is he so good at parallel parking

here's a video i like about driving

 

[MapleS]

I think it's the best to live like you are not gonna ctb if you are trying.
Having anything to do in your life drives you away from suicide, while having nothing drives you closer so you can treat it like an attempt to save your life.
It's worh it, your family would propably think the same if they knew
Life is not all about money. It's also about people's feelings and grieving can take a few years... and it never gets away

 

[eggsausagerice]

update guys:

i asked my mama and she bought the driving lessons. i asked her yesterday night after i finished crying and feeling guilty about myself. she still cares, in her own way. i just hate the way she acts so neglectful in every other aspect besides buying me things.

 

[MapleS]

update guys:

i asked my mama and she bought the driving lessons. i asked her yesterday night after i finished crying and feeling guilty about myself. she still cares, in her own way. i just hate the way she acts so neglectful in every other aspect besides buying me things.

I'm happy for you ^-^
Good luck!

 

[eggsausagerice]

I'm happy for you ^-^
Good luck!

i'll have to wait 2 weeks to sign up for my classes, which i'm pretty depressed about. i wanted to do them way quicker. i still have nothing to really occupy my time. my mom immediately asked me when i'll be going to my lessons and i didn't have an answer for her.

 

[eggsausagerice]

if i kill myself the month i get my license, i'll feel really guilty about it. but i've spent so long not having one that i feel incredibly depressed by the amount of experiences i've lost and the meaningless things i've done sitting at home because i don't have the freedom to leave my house. i'm so tired of having no freedom and just burdening the people around me.

update:
i want to ruin it all. it's getting bad again. a day is just too long and i spent all day thinking about suicide methods again because i felt so awful about myself. i don't know how to survive all of november and then do more driving lessons in december if i feel so bad. i must just be doing this to myself. i'm always making things worse. i'm always running away from other people. i don't have anyone i can rely on to talk with me on the nights i want to kill myself. i stay up to late and i waste away in the afternoons thinking about dying. i hate that i can't just be content sitting in my room, because i can read books or play on my laptop or whatever. instead i just read sasu on my phone for hours and watch some youtube videos in between because i feel so miserable that i'm still alive.

i could've died in september. there's a girl that wanted to die with me but she's gone now, and i think of her when i have these thoughts because even she wanted to believe in me even if she hardly knew me. why did she believe in me? why did she believe my life would get better and leave me behind? i don't know what affect her death had on her family or friends, i just knew her first name and i knew she felt really lonely inside, and that's why she wanted to die. it's only been 1 month, but it's awful to think about how i've wanted to die almost every day of this month. i've spent almost all of october crying because i keep wanting to die. i wish that i had the same faith in myself as other people have in me. i don't believe that i can get better and i don't believe that i'm a good person. i know that i have awful thoughts. i think violent and grotesque things and i try to repress them.

i just don't want to cry anymore. i don't want to keep on crying and curling into a ball at night because i fantasize about the things i want so badly. november used to be my favorite month because it has the best weather and now i'm afraid of it. i don't want to be alive in november. why did i live this long? why didn't i just unlock my dad's car door and run onto the highway when i told him i wanted to kill myself? i realized that day that i can do anything and scream anything and nothing will happen, because god is not here. i still think about how my parents say i'll go to hell if i ever kill myself, and i wonder if thinking that will make it easier for them to cope with the fact that i'm dead because i had nothing in my life worth living for. if they think that i'm in hell they won't have to think about how purposeless being alive is.

i'm so tired of being a human being. if another person had been born in my place instead of me, maybe they'd be better than me. it sucks that i'm forced to be myself for my entire life. if someone was born into similar circumstances as me, they might have the same problems as me, but my sister's always been more successful than me. so i just don't understand why i'm such a failure. i wish that i could've been normal like my sister. my whole life just feels like a downward spiral leading to suicide because i never put in enough effort in anything. it feels like all i know how to do is love people, but i think that i failed at doing that too.

i don't know why i always have all these words inside me. i don't know why i keep on talking and talking when the things i say don't feel like they matter to anyone. i used to write letters in my free time, but now i have no letters to write to anyone. it's painful that all the things i liked doing relied on having someone close to me. with no one in my life, all the old things i did stopped having purpose. i wish things were different.

 

[Forever Sleep]

As I see it, none of us know 100% that we will kill ourselves until we actually do. In the meantime, there are choices to be made. Some that may and likely will give us better opportunities in life. Some that will keep us where we are.

The way I think you could look at it is- yes, it could be a waste for you to get the lessons if you do end up CTB. On the other hand, it could turn your life around completely. But, even if it doesn't and you ultimately decide to CTB- it shows that you tried at least. You gave it all you could to try to change your life. Maybe not all off your own back but, most people have help. And, parents ought to expect to have to help their children.

I actually took loads of lessons- my boss wanted me to learn but I hated it and always felt terrified I would hurt someone. So, I dropped it without even taking the test. Some roads in life are a dead end. It was a waste but, it felt like the right decision for me. I wasn't all that bothered about it for myself.

It does sound like you would benefit from driving to see friends etc. As well as the potential benefits for a job. I think if it's something you vaguely want, it's worth pursuing.

 

[eggsausagerice]

It does sound like you would benefit from driving to see friends etc. As well as the potential benefits for a job. I think if it's something you vaguely want, it's worth pursuing.

it's taking me too much time. even if i want it i can't stop thinking about dying and i don't have a way to cope with how i'm feeling. even if it's something good for me, i have nothing to do all day and just end up hating myself because the only thing i can look forward to is my driving lessons while being alive is a chore. i spend 90% of my day lost in my own thoughts. i don't know how to cope with not being able to leave my house.

 

[MapleS]

it's taking me too much time. even if i want it i can't stop thinking about dying and i don't have a way to cope with how i'm feeling. even if it's something good for me, i have nothing to do all day and just end up hating myself because the only thing i can look forward to is my driving lessons while being alive is a chore. i spend 90% of my day lost in my own thoughts. i don't know how to cope with not being able to leave my house.

Have you thought about drawing or painting?
.
oh and just wanted to say that some thoughts are involuntary and I's normal that they appear. what you do with them make you good or bad. the choice <3

 

[eggsausagerice]

all i have is working towards my license right now, since i live in texas. my entire life has been on hold since i dropped out of my community college out of depression that i couldn't make friends and relied on my dad. now that my dad is working he and my mom have been on me telling me to learn how to drive. no one in my family knows how to drive and my friends can't help me. i renewed my learner's permit this month. sometimes i want to cry because i just want to progress the way everyone else can. no one wants to hang out with me because i can't drive.

i don't like being able to think because it makes me sad. i get sad every time i think because i feel anxious, angry, or sad about something. i don't have the will to put things that make me happy in my life because i just feel like laying in bed while i wait to get my driver's license. every day feels exceptionally long. i keep complaining about the same things and feel like no one likes me at all. i hate that i don't like movies anymore because that used to be my favorite thing to do. i feel like i legitimately have no drive to do anything but ruminate and sleep in the middle of the day.

there's nothing for me to be happy about when i wake up in the morning. i have no one to be codependent on and there's no one that i want to be codependent on because it feels too painful to rely on only one person because i have no one else. i just feel like an irredeemable loser for constantly looking up ways i could die whenever i feel sad even though i seem too broke to afford anything but hanging and drowning myself in a lake full of algae and duck poop. there's no fresh water here, it's just murky manmade lakes. anything i write just makes me feel like i'm looking for sympathy or comfort, but i also feel irritated by people really easily. i just feel like nothing and no one. i don't want to text any of the people i know because i feel like a burden but i also feel happy when someone sends me a message because they thought of me.

i just think that i deserve to die and i don't know what i can do to shake my thoughts because the negative thoughts are the only things that keep me company when i'm all alone. there's some comfort in succumbing to feeling like nothing, because i don't have to doubt myself if i'm already thinking it pretty much every day. i think that my life actually has 0 impact on everyone around me and it would make no difference if i disappeared completely. i don't want to keep existing and feeling like a burden because i'm so anxious and i have to rely on other people in order to do anything with my life. i don't seem to want to get better and just fixate on getting worse because i can't even imagine getting better. i just imagine dying. i don't know why i think everyone hates me or is disappointed in me.