Short story rant

[healthrecovery]

Hi

I used to be a high level politician/diplomat and high degree freemason..i got literally everything i could have in life....influence in politics, woman, money and many more. my conciousness was super good and i mastered the arts of kundalini energy, my life was very euphoric and spiritual. I lost everything due to a psychosis/spiritual crisis i had nobody that would put my feet on the ground..i needed grounding..i was floating too high in the sky...maybe a good woman to back me up and pull me back to earth stability so to speak... I went into a clinic first as volunteer and later i got forced treatment ( got injected with invega sustenna ) which was a stupid mistake on my part as well i should have refused the shot but i was so goddamn delusional i believed it would help me.

I should have locked myself in my house and drink alot of booze..calm myself the fuck down instead i went to the fucking hospital..i was so close to not going to the fucking hospital. The meds fucked me up really bad.

I felt so good in life it couldn't be better and now its a nightmare i feel horrible everyday and this invega sustenna takes 1 to 2 motherfucking years to recover from ! I lost my aura, my spirituality, my heart chakra is gone everything that is internal, external and spiritual and it ain't coming back including my personality...it fucked me up really hard...i cannot get over the psychology of losing everything i constantly feel bad about myself. Alot of people have permanent side effects from just 2 shots they still have fucked up brains many years later. I survived a plane crash but get fucked up by some shot unbelievable.

I also fucked up my work in the progress and made errors leading to collossal conflicts in diplomacy ruining relations
I don't know why the fuck it happened..one day i started to have delusional thoughts spinning out of control
The worst of this drug is it blocks every high you can get i wish i could smoke weed, use shrooms take meth and have a blast before i fucking ctb...but i cannot even do that...thats the worst no fun before going to send myself to another dimension.

No way i'm going to get my job back after that collossal fuckup...takes up to 2 years to recover from invega if i recover at all.. what i'm going to do after that..play golf, play videogames? Use drugs until the point where life has no meaning...goddamnit i lost all meaning in life not even a good woman can bring back that enjoyment

I want to check the fuck out my peak was one year ago when i was 33 years old...i don't want to live the rest of my life being a fraction of what i used to be..its messy and unpleasant being a shell of my former self.

I spent most of the day in bed with severe anhedonia talking to some hot italian chick who also got a shot of sustenna and wants to ctb she talks about sex too but my dick is limp as hell...i'm totally sexually disabled because of the meds.
I didn't realize how lucky i was before going to the hospital i didn't realize how good my life was before taking that shot
I wish i didn't fucking peak in life..worst thing which can happen to you is peaking so hard you cannot accept less..sometimes ignorance truly is bliss

I didn't even go out with a bang...i wish i could have gone out on my peak..found dead in my car with a heartattack of coke or something

I don't want a funeral i don't want sad people i don't want to leave the world worse off...but at the same time i know i'm going to slam that N like a glass of gin

Jezus christ this is sad.. i'm one of those guys who likes to see other people do well in life..it fucking sucks if you do not well at all


This mofo drug stole my soul and ruined my life 3 months off no $#@%# improvement whatsoever
I want to be 100% back to normal. I'm not living with side effects from a mother fucking stupid fucking piece of shit shot I got at 34 years old. I'm not never getting high and it actually feeling good again. I don't want a "different" high. I don't want to waste YEARS of my life making moderate progress and gaining small portions of my being back. All for fucking nothing. Jesus Christ I didn't realize how lucky I was before this. I should have never went to the fucking hospital. But I did and now I am fucked for life. So fucking terrific. Great. Fucking mother fucking awesome. The whole thing is done. Hands down I'm the fuck out of here. This is my last post on this piece of shit worthless thread full of people with fucked up brains 17 months after getting 1 fucking shot. It's sad that anyone is here at all. The whole thing is disgustingly sickening and I'm the fuck out of here.
Incredibly disgusting sickening this all is possible ...one shot it doesn't make any fucking sense what a nightmare

 

[ddd1234]

Jesus, I can relate, a very similar story. I was at the peak of my career and personal life. Very well-paid job in IT, gorgeous girlfriend, family, nice house, and extraordinary health. Then I make one mistake, one fucking mistake (stupid and embarrassing), and everything is ruined. When I recognize my critical mistake my organism went crazy as hell. Super high anxiety, angriness, and rumination 24/7, talking to myself, thinking about killing myself etc. I was even taken to the psych ward because my suicidal thoughts were out of control. Spent there 4 days, I lied to the doctors that I slept well to go earlier, but to be honest - it is no different if I am at home or psych ward, everywhere is the same: constant regrets, angriness anxiety, and rumination.

The worst thing is that before I was very spiritual, I meditated regularly, read philosophy books, etc. Still Cannot believe what happened, it is so surreal that I cannot even describe it.

Lost everything, peace of mind is the most important one, but my precious health is very affected due to 1.5-month insomnia, high anxiety and depression, my looks is terrible ( used to be handsome).
I don't feel like myself. Anhedonia, derealization, feeling like somebody else.

Nothing brings me joy, everything triggers me, because I realize how good it could be if I didn;t make that mistake.

Why? Why does this happen to us? Before this shitty story, I never sweared or usde bad words. I always meditated for the happiness of sick and poor people. Tried to be very good to other people. Why did this shit happens to me?! ?!

now, instead of spending time with my friends or girlfriend, or reading some interesting book, I spend all my time on suicide forums and am reading about the best methods for suicide. That's a joke, a fucking joke. God, I didn't deserve that!

 

[healthrecovery]

Glad im not the only one makes it a bit less painfull

Yeah the worst off all is the fucking string of mistakes...like you make just one mistake and everything spins out of control and you keep making them mistakes...i just couldn't snap out of it. Now afterwards i blame myself for not seeing what was really happing. Im like how the hell could i not correct my moves?!?! Its like a soccer match where its 0-10 and you keep making the same tactical mistakes

Getting over the blame you put over yourself afterwards is impossible...i cannot forgive myself for losing my spirituality..fucking 25 years of meditation down the drain. Also the succes i achieved was a fata morgan..an illusion ..what i really needed was a good woman and start a family and have stability in my life not aiming too high...now i've aimed too high its impossible for me to aim low again.

I shouldn't have gotten into the high octane life of politics..but some people see talent in me and i drank that cool aid...What you want is not always what you need..life was extremely complex to the point where it drove me mad. The rumination bro thats it... i wish i could erase my memory like one of them flash devices they use in the Men in black movie...the problem is not losing everything the problem is losing all meaning in life.. your identity or what you think is your identity.

Ive been in the psych ward 4 times in one year...2 times for like 5 days and 2 times for a month..i kept refusing my meds as well which was another mistake..i should have taken them and avoided the injection they gave me... the first time i got discharged from the hospital i should have sticked to the oral meds for maybe on year...going back to work was the most stupid thing i've done..work drove me over the edge to begin with...

If you lose your peace of mind you lose something that is most important...more important than anything else..if i would give advice to other i would say that they should never let anyone or anything undermine their peace of mind. Once you lose your peace of mind nothing can make you happy unless its possible to regain it....

Thats what im most upset about its impossible for me to regain my peace of mind..aside from the freaking braindamage caused by the shot

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

Hi

I used to be a high level politician/diplomat and high degree freemason..i got literally everything i could have in life....influence in politics, woman, money and many more. my conciousness was super good and i mastered the arts of kundalini energy, my life was very euphoric and spiritual. I lost everything due to a psychosis/spiritual crisis i had nobody that would put my feet on the ground..i needed grounding..i was floating too high in the sky...maybe a good woman to back me up and pull me back to earth stability so to speak... I went into a clinic first as volunteer and later i got forced treatment ( got injected with invega sustenna ) which was a stupid mistake on my part as well i should have refused the shot but i was so goddamn delusional i believed it would help me.

I should have locked myself in my house and drink alot of booze..calm myself the fuck down instead i went to the fucking hospital..i was so close to not going to the fucking hospital. The meds fucked me up really bad.

I felt so good in life it couldn't be better and now its a nightmare i feel horrible everyday and this invega sustenna takes 1 to 2 motherfucking years to recover from ! I lost my aura, my spirituality, my heart chakra is gone everything that is internal, external and spiritual and it ain't coming back including my personality...it fucked me up really hard...i cannot get over the psychology of losing everything i constantly feel bad about myself. Alot of people have permanent side effects from just 2 shots they still have fucked up brains many years later. I survived a plane crash but get fucked up by some shot unbelievable.

I also fucked up my work in the progress and made errors leading to collossal conflicts in diplomacy ruining relations
I don't know why the fuck it happened..one day i started to have delusional thoughts spinning out of control
The worst of this drug is it blocks every high you can get i wish i could smoke weed, use shrooms take meth and have a blast before i fucking ctb...but i cannot even do that...thats the worst no fun before going to send myself to another dimension.

No way i'm going to get my job back after that collossal fuckup...takes up to 2 years to recover from invega if i recover at all.. what i'm going to do after that..play golf, play videogames? Use drugs until the point where life has no meaning...goddamnit i lost all meaning in life not even a good woman can bring back that enjoyment

I want to check the fuck out my peak was one year ago when i was 33 years old...i don't want to live the rest of my life being a fraction of what i used to be..its messy and unpleasant being a shell of my former self.

I spent most of the day in bed with severe anhedonia talking to some hot italian chick who also got a shot of sustenna and wants to ctb she talks about sex too but my dick is limp as hell...i'm totally sexually disabled because of the meds.
I didn't realize how lucky i was before going to the hospital i didn't realize how good my life was before taking that shot
I wish i didn't fucking peak in life..worst thing which can happen to you is peaking so hard you cannot accept less..sometimes ignorance truly is bliss

I didn't even go out with a bang...i wish i could have gone out on my peak..found dead in my car with a heartattack of coke or something

I don't want a funeral i don't want sad people i don't want to leave the world worse off...but at the same time i know i'm going to slam that N like a glass of gin

Jezus christ this is sad.. i'm one of those guys who likes to see other people do well in life..it fucking sucks if you do not well at all


This mofo drug stole my soul and ruined my life 3 months off no $#@%# improvement whatsoever
I want to be 100% back to normal. I'm not living with side effects from a mother fucking stupid fucking piece of shit shot I got at 34 years old. I'm not never getting high and it actually feeling good again. I don't want a "different" high. I don't want to waste YEARS of my life making moderate progress and gaining small portions of my being back. All for fucking nothing. Jesus Christ I didn't realize how lucky I was before this. I should have never went to the fucking hospital. But I did and now I am fucked for life. So fucking terrific. Great. Fucking mother fucking awesome. The whole thing is done. Hands down I'm the fuck out of here. This is my last post on this piece of shit worthless thread full of people with fucked up brains 17 months after getting 1 fucking shot. It's sad that anyone is here at all. The whole thing is disgustingly sickening and I'm the fuck out of here.
Incredibly disgusting sickening this all is possible ...one shot it doesn't make any fucking sense what a nightmare

Sounds like you may have experienced a manic episode prior to receiving the shot…
Either way, I'm sorry this happened.
One moment you're on top of the world, and the next…

 

[ddd1234]

The rumination bro thats it... i wish i could erase my memory like one of them flash devices they use in the Men in black movie...the problem is not losing everything the problem is losing all meaning in life.. your identity or what you think is your identity

This! Have the same feeling. The worst thing is that I could easily avoid the situation, only if stopped for a moment and think about my situation. I cannot forgive myself I made the mistake. Every minute, every second. This is the first thing that pops in my mind after waking up, and the last before going to sleep... but to be honest I sleep maybe 2-3 hours per night even with drugs.

My family insists on going to other and other psychiatrists ( I visited maybe 5-6 in the last 1.5 month) took all psychotrops you can imagine: benzos, ssri, preagabalin, trazadon , zolpicon etc. but honestly: it doesn't;t make a difference, maybe benzos relax my muscles for 1 hour and that's it. Drugs can't help me because they will not change my past. I cannot stop ruminitating no matter what drugs I take.

Now I spend all my time at home, and mentally I am stuck in 3 months ago when I committed the fatal mistake. The only moments I don't think about pasts are those when I think about suicide: that's the only moment I can escape from the past.

God, if you have mercy, please give me and @healthrecovery relief from this torture or give us easy and painless death.
I would give all my savings, my house, I could be even homeless, fuck it, but please God, erase my memory and give me peace of mind.

 

[FuneralCry]

It really is horrible being alive. No one should have to go through this. I wish you the best. I hope you find peace and freedom from suffering.

 

[healthrecovery]

Now im on a community treatment order and have to talk to some shrink who has no clue i earned like 6 zero's in my monthly paycheck for almost 5 years straight. They think im some crazy idiot. these meds don't help afterwards they only help when you are in the thick of it and keep fucking up...when you are in making mistakes they help they really do ground you. but afterwards it only makes you feel worse and they dont stop rumination at all

I couldn't stop for one moment and correct my mistakes this is what blows my mind ..i understood plato and buddha even more than they did themselfs but i couldn't fucking stop for ONE moment and change my path.

Worst of all my mistakes lead to the death of some people its almost like a benghazi fuckup.

Only LOVE heals but losinh LOVE for life is the worst thing that can happen losing the love for your own life is worse than losing a loved one

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

Now im on a community treatment order and have to talk to some shrink who has no clue i earned like 6 zero's in my monthly paycheck for almost 5 years straight. They think im some crazy idiot. these meds don't help afterwards they only help when you are in the thick of it and keep fucking up...when you are in making mistakes they help they really do ground you. but afterwards it only makes you feel worse and they dont stop rumination at all

I couldn't stop for one moment and correct my mistakes this is what blows my mind ..i understood plato and buddha even more than they did themselfs but i couldn't fucking stop for ONE moment and change my path.

Worst of all my mistakes lead to the death of some people its almost like a benghazi fuckup.

Only LOVE heals but losinh LOVE for life is the worst thing that can happen losing the love for your own life is worse than losing a loved one

Well I hope you were able to deploy your extensive wealth in finding someway to solve your problem and regain your sanity.

 

[ddd1234]

I couldn't stop for one moment and correct my mistakes this is what blows my mind ..i understood plato and buddha even more than they did themselfs but i couldn't fucking stop for ONE moment and change my path.

This! My friend, I understand you so much. Before I regularly read stoicism books, Buddhism as well. Marc Aurelius, Seneca, Plato. I don't have TV nor the console. I spent all my time to better my character... and now with the one mistake I made, I am ruined. Everything is gone. I can't believe this shit! I can't believe it!
I used to be calm and stable and now I am fuckin maniac, who walks on the public and says out loud " I wanna kill myself!". Everyone who knows me is so stunned when looks at what happened with me.

I don't believe! It's so embarrassing that I have to kill myself now!

I also have resources but in such a situation there is no use of it. Fuckin nightmare, I want to wake up from this!

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

This! My friend, I understand you so much. Before I regularly read stoicism books, Buddhism as well. Marc Aurelius, Seneca, Plato. I don't have TV nor the console. I spent all my time to better my character... and now with the one mistake I made, I am ruined. Everything is gone. I can't believe this shit! I can't believe it!
I used to be calm and stable and now I am fuckin maniac, who walks on the public and says out loud " I wanna kill myself!". Everyone who knows me is so stunned when looks at what happened with me.

I don't believe! It's so embarrassing that I have to kill myself now!

I wish I had your financial wealth. I would retire to somewhere peaceful. But I understand you're going through hell, a victim of your thoughts. And feeling hopeless to control them.

 

[ddd1234]

I wish I had your financial wealth. I would retire to somewhere peaceful. But I understand you're going through hell, a victim of your thoughts. And feeling hopeless to control them.

I lived a minimalistic lifestyle, I saved money... for what? I thought about moving to some nice and warm country, some island... but the rumination, anxiety, and depression will go with me. My head is my prison now. Before, my head was my fortress. That's sad.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

If you have financial independence, it's a huge advantage. And there's so many different kinds of treatments you can try. I certainly wouldn't CTB anytime soon… If possible…

 

[healthrecovery]

This! My friend, I understand you so much. Before I regularly read stoicism books, Buddhism as well. Marc Aurelius, Seneca, Plato. I don't have TV nor the console. I spent all my time to better my character... and now with the one mistake I made, I am ruined. Everything is gone. I can't believe this shit! I can't believe it!
I used to be calm and stable and now I am fuckin maniac, who walks on the public and says out loud " I wanna kill myself!". Everyone who knows me is so stunned when looks at what happened with me.

I don't believe! It's so embarrassing that I have to kill myself now!

I also have resources but in such a situation there is no use of it. Fuckin nightmare, I want to wake up from this!

Yeah the fucking embarrasment is what completely kills your ability to regain yourself...having 100% skill and making a 1% fatal mistake what a joke..even patients in the mental hospital were who i talked to were like "wtf are you doing". They couldn't believe the mistakes i made.

What could have saved me was a sane and grounded person ..someone who could tell me what i think is bullshit and that i should take a hot bath for 2 hours.. i needed love and patience from someone...someone needed to ask me how i think, why i think and behave this way.

 

[ddd1234]

If you have financial independence, it's a huge advantage. And there's so many different kinds of treatments you can try. I certainly wouldn't CTB anytime soon… If possible…

But how do these treatments can fix the past? It will always haunt me to the last days of my life. Pills can artificially make me happy for 1 hour but won't erase my memory.

 

[healthrecovery]

Believe me friend being in this state and having money doesn't do anything..i've lost my mojo numerous times but once you lose your mojo completely you can't just turn back time. They say time heals ...yeah if you freaking turn back the clock maybe.
Its almost like losing a child.. losing your inner child maybe..its extremely psychologically disturbing if you completelt lose the ability to trust yourself

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

But how do these treatments can fix the past? It will always haunt me to the last days of my life. Pills can artificially make me happy for 1 hour but won't erase my memory.

That's a good point… maybe I'm just a far more selfish person… I'm pretty good at rationalizing mistakes I've made… Finding someone else to blame…

 

[ddd1234]

Yeah the fucking embarrasment is what completely kills your ability to regain yourself...having 100% skill and making a 1% fatal mistake what a joke..even patients in the mental hospital were who i talked to were like "wtf are you doing". They couldn't believe the mistakes i made.

What could have saved me was a sane and grounded person ..someone who could tell me what i think is bullshit and that i should take a hot bath for 2 hours.. i needed love and patience from someone...someone needed to ask me how i think, why i think and behave this way.

yep, the same experience. When I went to psych ward even a doctor told me: "Man, you don't belong here, highly educated and smart man shouldn't be in a psych ward". There were plenty of poor people, homeless, without education, and so on. Nobody could understand how a person like me turned into a maniac. But this is because I was aware of how much I lost. The maniac episode was because I understood that what I built for years was gone because one fuckin mistake. This cannot be taken lightly.

God, please kill me now!

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

yep, the same experience. When I went to psych ward even a doctor told me: "Man, you don't belong here, highly educated and smart man shouldn't be in a psych ward". There were plenty of poor people, homeless, without education, and so on. Nobody could understand how a person like me turned into a maniac. But this is because I was aware of how much I lost. The maniac episode was because I understood that what I built for years was gone because one fuckin mistake. This cannot be taken lightly.

God, please kill me now!

If only we could go to sleep and simply not wake up…

 

[ddd1234]

If only we could go to sleep and simply not wake up…

Or wake up couple of months ago...

 

[healthrecovery]

yep, the same experience. When I went to psych ward even a doctor told me: "Man, you don't belong here, highly educated and smart man shouldn't be in a psych ward". There were plenty of poor people, homeless, without education, and so on. Nobody could understand how a person like me turned into a maniac. But this is because I was aware of how much I lost. The maniac episode was because I understood that what I built for years was gone because one fuckin mistake. This cannot be taken lightly.

God, please kill me now!

Yeah bro

The worst thing of these critical errors is it just takes 1 fucking minute maybe less..even a second ONE second and 10 years of progress is ruined.... most people think when someone fucks up their life they think of year long drug addiction, gambling addiction or bullshit like that. They think its some sort of linear progress but it ain't ..one wrong descision is enough

 

[ddd1234]

Its almost like losing a child.. losing your inner child maybe..its extremely psychologically disturbing if you completelt lose the ability to trust yourself

Good analogy but in my case is like killing my own child, because my mistake was some kind of fuckin self-sabotage. I did it to myself.
You are in a slightly better situation, because your circumstances were external.
In my case I destroyed my life by myself (by mistake). That's so painful. No wonder I cannot sleep even with high dose of zolpikon.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

Yeah bro

The worst thing of these critical errors is it just takes 1 fucking minute maybe less..even a second ONE second and 10 years of progress is ruined.... most people think when someone fucks up their life they think of year long drug addiction, gambling addiction or bullshit like that. They think its some sort of linear progress but it ain't ..one wrong descision is enough

I was definitely a slow moving train wreck for a long time but a single split second decision definitely was a nail in the coffin…

Meanwhile, all of my peers are thriving financially and otherwise… They must look at me and wonder what the hell happened…

 

[healthrecovery]

Bro my situation is fucked up..because i received that shot which i'm sure gave me some sort of braindamage
I lost internal and external.. i cant believe how much i self sabotaged

I'm surely going to hell when i CTB its the sole reason i'm hesitant to cbt

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

Bro my situation is fucked up..because i received that shot which i'm sure gave me some sort of braindamage
I lost internal and external..

I'm surely going to hell when i CTB

Unlikely that hell exist or at least no reason to believe it…

 

[ddd1234]

Bro my situation is fucked up..because i received that shot which i'm sure gave me some sort of braindamage
I lost internal and external.. i cant believe how much i self sabotaged

I'm surely going to hell when i CTB its the sole reason i'm hesitant to cbt

Yep I also worry about that. The hell for us can be some kind of pernament brain damage and we will live like that in the next 50 years... But living now with regrets and deteriorating mind and body due to insomnia and anxiety is no better. Especially if you look at your peers, family who build their careers have families and so on. It's unbearable.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

Yep I also worry about that. The hell for us can be some kind of pernament brain damage and we will live like that in the next 50 years... But living now with regrets and deteriorating mind and body due to insomnia and anxiety is no better. Especially if you look at your peers, family who build their careers have families and so on. It's unbearable.

That's for sure… When every waking moment is a reminder of failure and loss… I certainly cannot continue like this myself… Watching my savings dwindle and isolating myself… My demise is a mathematical inevitability…

 

[rationaltake]

If only we could go to sleep and simply not wake up…

Amen!