Venting Shame...

[Spiny Lobster]

I have this tremendous fog in my brain that's making it really difficult to simply exist without getting lost in it. But I can't tell anyone how I feel because I'll feel worse for it. I hate confiding in friends because that'll make me the shitty friend for putting so much of my burden on them. I absolutely cannot confide in my family, and likewise I can't confide in a hotline. They'll just call the police on me, making the shame I already feel that much worse.

Shame is the worst thing I'll ever feel. Shame prevents me from pursuing help or even from CTB. It keeps me stuck. Like the depression, it alienates me from the people around me, but is somehow much worse. Because even if I live through the depression, the shame will always be there...

I feel like shit when I look up the statistics on methods to CTB and finding that I will be in pain no matter what (unless I can get my hands on a gun, which, admittedly, I cannot). Through my pitiable attempts at "research," the shame is there to remind me of my failure not only to live, but to die, as well.

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

I'm very sorry you feel this way. I can empathize somewhat as I feel deep shame about who I am. It's what motivates me to ctb, though. You mentioned that shame prevents you from ctb. Can you explain a bit more?

 

[Spiny Lobster]

I'm very sorry you feel this way. I can empathize somewhat as I feel deep shame about who I am. It's what motivates me to ctb, though. You mentioned that shame prevents you from ctb. Can you explain a bit more?

I feel that on a spiritual level... As far as the shame preventing me from CTB, it's because any attempt I make will, more likely than not, result in a hospitalization with me surviving with the knowledge I failed. That, and the prospect of facing my loved ones after such an attempt.

No, thanks... I am desperately looking for a proper method that will do its job.

 

[MrAsclepius]

Unfortunately, the shame will never go away. I can tell you that in reality people dont care if you need to get help (most people even encourage it), but I myself have the same feelings of shame and saying so is pointless.

No matter what people say or do to help you it will always be there.

 

[Spiny Lobster]

Update: I overshared with my friend despite my express desire not to. I couldn't take it anymore. Now I'm trying to figure out the best way to apologize. I've said sorry so many times before, but she always brushes it off and acts like it's okay when I know it's not. I'm terrified that I won't be able to maintain a normal friendship while I'm like this and I feel so, so ashamed. What do I do?

 

[bravotess]

Update: I overshared with my friend despite my express desire not to. I couldn't take it anymore. Now I'm trying to figure out the best way to apologize. I've said sorry so many times before, but she always brushes it off and acts like it's okay when I know it's not. I'm terrified that I won't be able to maintain a normal friendship while I'm like this and I feel so, so ashamed. What do I do?

Are you sure you need to apologize for simply talking to your friend? That's what friends are for. To talk to . Maybe instead of apologizing you could just thank her for listening.

 

[Spiny Lobster]

Are you sure you need to apologize for simply talking to your friend? That's what friends are for. To talk to . Maybe instead of apologizing you could just thank her for listening.

That sounds like a more positive way to put it, but I just can't shake the feeling that I'm losing her as a friend. I've lost so many other friends before by being honest about how I'm feeling. It's almost like i have to pretend to be happy at all times just to spare the feelings of my friends, though I know it's easier said than done.

 

[bravotess]

That sounds like a more positive way to put it, but I just can't shake the feeling that I'm losing her as a friend. I've lost so many other friends before by being honest about how I'm feeling. It's almost like i have to pretend to be happy at all times just to spare the feelings of my friends, though I know it's easier said than done.

I understand about over sharing. I've never had a thought that didn't come directly out of my mouth. Sometimes it helps. Many times it doesn't. If you feel your sharing is too much of a burden. Share here instead. We will listen and support you!

 

[Sprite_Geist]

But I can't tell anyone how I feel because I'll feel worse for it. I hate confiding in friends because that'll make me the shitty friend for putting so much of my burden on them. I absolutely cannot confide in my family, and likewise I can't confide in a hotline. They'll just call the police on me, making the shame I already feel that much worse.

It's totally understandable that you feel this way, but you should not think of yourself as a burden because friends listen to each other. To be honest: It might be difficult for them to hear, should you ever decide to share things, but I'm sure that they will be glad that you have told them.

Shame is the worst thing I'll ever feel. Shame prevents me from pursuing help or even from CTB. It keeps me stuck. Like the depression, it alienates me from the people around me, but is somehow much worse. Because even if I live through the depression, the shame will always be there...

If you don't mind me asking: Is the feeling of shame that you have on its own, or is there any underlying reasons that are making you feel ashamed?

 

[Moonbounce]

It isn't necessarily true that you would be in pain no matter what. Do a little more research in the Resources section I think you'll be surprised.

 

[Spiny Lobster]

If you don't mind me asking: Is the feeling of shame that you have on its own, or is there any underlying reasons that are making you feel ashamed?

There are definitely a lot of factors involved. I believe that there is a part of me that is inherently perverted and twisted. I can't change this part of me, no matter how hard I try. It has a lot to do with my disordered thought process; it's so easy to let our thoughts and urges consume us to the point that we are nothing more than our thoughts and urges...

And because I don't believe that I can be changed, that's where the shame (rather than guilt) sets in.

 

[Deleted member 17949]

I feel a lot of shame around who I am. I feel inadequate in every way, a total failure really. I hate myself and everything I do, and I don't want to learn to accept it because it doesn't seem like something that deserves acceptance.

 

[Sprite_Geist]

There are definitely a lot of factors involved. I believe that there is a part of me that is inherently perverted and twisted. I can't change this part of me, no matter how hard I try. It has a lot to do with my disordered thought process.

I won't ask exactly what those "twisted" thoughts are specifically, because that's probably a bit too personal. I was going to suggest trying therapy of some sort since that might give much better support, but as you have mentioned you're concerned about the police being contacted if you open up, so this is problematic.

If it helps then know this: Most if not everyone experiences dark thoughts... Even if they don't like to admit it. So if getting these negative thoughts is making you feel guilty, as well as being unable to rid yourself of them, then please don't. You have recognized something in yourself that you do not like, and you have tried to put in the effort to change; this is great and it's the only thing that anyone can do really.

it's so easy to let our thoughts and urges consume us to the point that we are nothing more than our thoughts and urges...

Well put!

 

[BPD Barbie]

That sounds like a more positive way to put it, but I just can't shake the feeling that I'm losing her as a friend. I've lost so many other friends before by being honest about how I'm feeling. It's almost like i have to pretend to be happy at all times just to spare the feelings of my friends, though I know it's easier said than done.

If she's a genuine friend you won't need to worry about losing her and she will stick around through the good and bad times. At least that's been my experiences with friends.

 

[Smokey8484]

The thing about shame is that it's a parasite that feeds on silence, and is killed by being vulnerable and open. And being vulnerable without feeling safe leads to a massive vulnerability/shame hangover, which can make you retreat into yourself and berate yourself, and feed the shame again. Its endless.
But by talking about it here, you've already made a dent in that cycle, doesnt matter how small the dent is, it's still done. You could apologise to your friend, and you could apologise and say it wasnt the right time or place to talk about the specific issues rather than apologise for how you feel or what's going on with you.
My experience with people is that they come and go, and come back again. That they dont dwell on me as much as I do, because they are dwelling on themselves too. I might hang on to my shame hangover for much longer, but most people dont judge us as harshly as we judge ourselves, and the ones that can go f*ck themselves.