I am so desperate for a deep connection with someone I've been hooking up with anyone I could since I was pretty young. This has caused me nothing but misery for years now. Got an STD when I was 15 with a dude much older than me and haven't got any medical assistance because I feel so ashamed of my problem I can't bring myself to talk about it with my doctor. My friend knows I struggle with this because so does he, but I don't think he doesn't know how bad it is. I am disgusted by any type of physical intimacy. At this point I only do it as a way of punishing myself for being disgusting. I feel dirty because I am dirty and I wouldn't anyone that I love to love me back because this secret of mine would make them sick to their stomach and I don't want them to feel like that just because I'm a revolting spreading-disease whore. I would like to think I can stop whenever I want to, but it is not that I feel good doing this, is that I feel bad when I'm not sexualizing myself or doing things against my will to please someone else and I wish I could make this stop but I can't neither I want to.
Your story breaks my heart. I was very similar as a teenager. Long story short, I grew up with an abusive father. I was a textbook case of "daddy issues".
Sidenote: When did "daddy issues" become an insult toward girls/women instead of toward the shitty fathers?
Anyways, it led me to make MANY mistakes. As a teenager I fell for any older man that would feed me, offer me shelter, and give me kind words. I knew in the back of my mind for most of them that I was just being used, but fake love and compassion still felt better than none at all. I wanted so badly for someone to love and care for me. I tried to sit and count how many men I've been with... I get lost when I get to the 30s.
I have been std tested many times, and it's nothing short of a miracle that I didn't get anything. I could have quite easily been in your shoes. I am so so sorry that happened to you. It doesn't diminish your self worth though. Please don't think that. That's easier said than done, I know. I spent years and years hating myself and feeling disgusting. It wasn't until my 30s that I learned to forgive myself for that stuff. Now that I'm in my 30s, I realize the disgusting people who should feel shame are the 30-40 yr old men who saw an obviously disturbed and abused teenager and thought it appropriate to use that for sex. Please don't be so hard on yourself.
As far as the std goes, please try to get medical care. If your in America you should be able to go to the health department for free, that's what I used to do.
I am a Healthcare worker. Not a doctor or nurse, but I am a clinical worker with a degree. I say this with the best of intentions: please go to the doctor because no one is gonna think twice about you. I highly doubt you have anything spectacular or special that they've never seen before. Your gonna be just another patient with just another one of the same diagnoses they give out all the time. They're gonna see you, prescribe your medicine, and move on to the next person and forget all about you. I say this with the intention of trying to help you feel better about going. Your not gonna be the first, the last, or even the worst case they see so don't feel embarrassed like they're gonna be gossiping and judging you.
I hope I helped and didn't hurt you more. Please try to be kinder to yourself. You aren't disgusting and you have worth. You are worthy of love, compassion, and medical care. I wish you happiness and peace.
