Discussion 'Settling' in life/ relationships.

[Forever Sleep]

Have you 'settled' for (less) in life? Do you think it's wise to or, should we hold out for what we really want?

I used to think I had settled in terms of my career. I know I could/ should have pushed myself to climb higher. I also know I don't have the talent/ skill to reach the top. I know I get easily overwhelmed as the small fish in a big pond and both I and my work suffers as a result. Plus, I've heard terrible stories about what it's actually like at the top. Companies that treat their staff terribly. Awful working conditions, horrible exploitation with no appreciation of a person's efforts. I bagan to realise I could well be best of where I am! So, rather than failure, it's begun to feel like choice too.

It feels far meaner to say we 'settle' in relationships. I suppose I mean- do you consider becoming friends or partners with people who have very different values to you? Who maybe do things you actually strongly dislike?

There was a guy I had the most crazy limerent crush on. I uncharacteristically did try to befriend him at least. On a couple of occassions, we talked together into the small hours. He was very attractive but something seemed off. I felt he would happily use people and he could be so condescending. One night, the prospect of things developing romantically felt possible but, I left. It confused me shortly afterwards. Why would I do that with someone I so badly desired?

I think I knew it was because he didn't love or respect me and, I won't settle for less in terms of relationships or friendships even. It's such a strong commitment to me and it would mean so much that, I wouldn't leave myself at risk of being (inevitably) hurt. Personally, I'm grateful to the prudish, guarded side of me. It's saved me from a whole lot of hurt. Ridiculously, it didn't end my limerent crush on him- which extended a few more years!

I've read an (outright declared) incel thread in the past where they said they were afraid they'd have to 'settle' for some overweight woman. Personally, I'm not sure anyone who believes they are 'settling' should be in a relationship with that person. It hardly resembles respect to feel you are lowering your standards to be with someone. What if that manifests in their behaviour towards them?

Do potential couples even judge one another like that? In terms of- are they all I want/ deserve even? Is it more about compatability maybe. Again, there seems little point in dating someone who's behaviour/ character/ appearance we find abhorrent.

Or, is there? Do some people date just to see how it goes? Is there value in doing that or, do people just get hurt? I'm not against it for others. So long as everyone is clear on the other's intentions.

What are your experiences? Have you 'settled' for less sometimes? Do you wish you had? If you did, did it work out or, did you end up regretting it? Maybe worse- have people or jobs 'settled' for you? I've been that side of it too. Feeling like I don't measure up to what's required. That's also why I've steered clear of relationships. I don't want to feel 'not enough' for someone.

 

[SchizoPolyGymnast]

I'll settle for less if it helps me meet another goal of mine. For example, I'll take a shit job if I can afford it and if the schedule they offer allows me more gym time. Relationships? Never ever settle.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'll settle for less if it helps me meet another goal of mine. For example, I'll take a shit job if I can afford it and if the schedule they offer allows me more gym time. Relationships? Never ever settle.

This makes sense because you have a bigger goal that you're trying to achieve. I think that's important in life generally- to work out what things we prize the most. Sometimes, our lives on paper may not look all that impressive but, we may be far happier. In my pursuit of fulfilment, I took on jobs that had impressive sounding titles and gave me a sense of being a 'proper' adult but they were largely unfulfiling and, full of stress. So, I also took a (career) step back to take a (well being) step forward.

 

[SchizoPolyGymnast]

This makes sense because you have a bigger goal that you're trying to achieve. I think that's important in life generally- to work out what things we prize the most. Sometimes, our lives on paper may not look all that impressive but, we may be far happier. In my pursuit of fulfilment, I took on jobs that had impressive sounding titles and gave me a sense of being a 'proper' adult but they were largely unfulfiling and, full of stress. So, I also took a (career) step back to take a (well being) step forward.

And you chose living a happy and authentic life over bootlicking. Sounds good to me!

 

[Pluto]

 

[_Gollum_]

In a way.

I've "settled" for the guy I'm in a "situationship" with (it's not an actual relationship, so maybe it doesn't count in that sense), despite it causing me almost nothing but anguish and grief, due to the unholy delicate situation of my ever-present suicidality combined with my more autistic traits; I find the idea of developing an emotional connection with someone else abhorrent right now, and I only want what's familiar. A bit of a the-devil-you-know situation, I guess. And after enduring so many years of crushing touch starvation the idea of going back to it is unthinkable, so even if the comfort/pain ratio is 20/80, at least for the moment, I need that 20%, and am willing to sacrifice for it.

If I actually wanted a good life, if I actually had a will to live, this would be extremely unwise, and a waste of time. But I don't, so I take what I can get.

 

[derpyderpins]

I think it's a very important question.

Well before I go on my rant, the answer is "yes," all over the place.

But I think getting your mind to a healthy place involves a shift where "settling" almost isn't a thing. (I am not there yet, this is theoretical.) As long as you are comparing, you are either going to settle somewhat or always be in conflict, right? Because you can't have the #1 best outcome. I think we'd admit that it is good to not hold out for the #1 best outcome. So we get people saying something in the form of "I don't need X; all I want is a nice comfy Y and a Z who ABC." Sometimes, the thing they want is still a really high outcome on the bell-curve, but it still is a form of settling.

I understand what you mean, though. After you've done a certain amount of settling and contemplating, you identify with clarity what you think you need for some level of satisfaction. You are asking about further "settling" at that point.

It's almost a sequence of bargaining, right? Like stages of grief, and the grief/loss is having to live/exist at all. In the bargaining stage, you go through a series of settlements:

"Okay, if I have to be here and feel pain, I at least want to be rich and famous."
"Okay, I can't be rich and famous, I'd settle for reasonably well off and have a song I wrote on local radio circulation."
"Okay . . . I'll take a job that isn't awful and a little time every few weeks to write music for my own enjoyment."

Or, on love:

"I want a beautiful partner who is accomplished and sweet with a perfect body who is wild in every way to make my fantasies come true."
"You know what, all I need is a partner who does their share of things and makes me feel good and treats me fairly who is upper 3rd in attractiveness."
"Okay, well how about someone pretty who can sincerely love me?"
"Anyone?"

As long as you are in the mindset where settling is possible, you'll always wonder. Am I settling? Are they settling? Could I have done better? Will I lose them because they can do better? If I try to do better will I end up alone?

At some point one has to move past this mindset. 'This is what I've got, let's make the most of it.' Acceptance. Like you said regarding the top of the career being a trap in ways: the world is too complicated to know past a certain point if one outcome or another is "better."

I wish I had started the settling process much earlier. My inner script is that my wife settled for me, but logically I don't think that's true. I'm happy with where I wound up relationship-wise, but knowing what I know now I wish I had "settled" when I was younger and at least gone on a date with some girls who weren't fitting my insane need of a limerent object to give me hope for the future. Could have helped me reach mental maturity faster. Can't talk about myself in terms of jobs because I don't fit this modern system. Everyone involved is settling, including me.

 

[bankai]

Why would I do that with someone I so badly desired?

I think I knew it was because he didn't love or respect me and, I won't settle for less in terms of relationships or friendships even. It's such a strong commitment to me and it would mean so much that, I wouldn't leave myself at risk of being (inevitably) hurt. Personally, I'm grateful to the prudish, guarded side of me

This is the way,you have a healthy amount self respect and aren't just willing to settle for anyone.i know it's cliche but if the people we love don't have the same level of interest in us it's going to be a very one sided unhealthy relationship.

 

[usernamesarehard]

Have you 'settled' for (less) in life? Do you think it's wise to or, should we hold out for what we really want?

I used to think I had settled in terms of my career. I know I could/ should have pushed myself to climb higher. I also know I don't have the talent/ skill to reach the top. I know I get easily overwhelmed as the small fish in a big pond and both I and my work suffers as a result. Plus, I've heard terrible stories about what it's actually like at the top. Companies that treat their staff terribly. Awful working conditions, horrible exploitation with no appreciation of a person's efforts. I bagan to realise I could well be best of where I am! So, rather than failure, it's begun to feel like choice too.

When it comes to life I think it's ok to settle as long as you're ok with that. You've seen that climbing the ladder is not for everyone. I think we're told at a young age that we have to be the best. We have to climb to the top of the ladder, we have to get the best, highest paying job. I think sometimes when we settle in terms of jobs, we're just ignoring society's expectation that everyone try to be the best to advance civilization as much as possible.

I have a job that doesn't pay great, but it pays better than most jobs, gives me access to great medical and if I don't ctb before retirement, will give me a pension (something that's pretty hard to get these days in America) and the pension also gives money to my spouse (if I ever got married), so I'd have money to take care of myself and help provide for my spouse when we're older. Could I have gone to college and gotten a corporate job somewhere? Yeah, probably. I was always good in school. But I have a job that is pretty recession proof and corp jobs right now are having mass layoffs, so maybe I dodged a bullet by not going to college right out of highschool. Maybe I am 'settling', but I'm overall ok with where I am. Some of my coworkers say I should shoot for a management position, one guy jokes that he wants to see me be the AD when he visits after he's retired. I have 0 interest in being in a management position and being in a management position would get rid of my job security, which I really value. Sometimes 'settling' is just doing what's right for you.

It feels far meaner to say we 'settle' in relationships. I suppose I mean- do you consider becoming friends or partners with people who have very different values to you? Who maybe do things you actually strongly dislike?

I've read an (outright declared) incel thread in the past where they said they were afraid they'd have to 'settle' for some overweight woman. Personally, I'm not sure anyone who believes they are 'settling' should be in a relationship with that person. It hardly resembles respect to feel you are lowering your standards to be with someone. What if that manifests in their behaviour towards them?

I'm in a position where I'm debating whether or not I should settle in terms of dating. My standards aren't super high, but finding someone willing to ask me out or is willing to accept me when I ask them out is hard. The only guy who did ask me out is someone I'm really not all that interested in. I don't think it's a good idea though. Neither person would be happy. The person settling would probably treat their partner terribly or at the very least create a dead bedroom. Either way the partner knows their partner has no interest in them and they're unhappy.

As far as dating/ being friends with people with different values, I do think that's possible as long as both people are able to be respectful of the other's beliefs. My best friend is a christian and I'm an atheist. We get along fine because a) we don't make our religious beliefs part of our identity, b) don't try to shove our opinions down the other's throat and c) we don't really talk about it, we have things in common, we talk about those, not fight about the things we're in disagreement on. I think the problem is most people can't just accept that other people have different opinions and come together on things they both enjoy, but have to fight about their differences.

Do potential couples even judge one another like that? In terms of- are they all I want/ deserve even? Is it more about compatability maybe. Again, there seems little point in dating someone who's behaviour/ character/ appearance we find abhorrent.

Maybe some do, but I don't think most people do unless they're being treated badly. I never felt like I was settling for my ex except when he was or it felt like to me he was being a dick and treated me poorly. I mean, there will always be people with high egos who feel like anything less than a 10/10 millionare with a perfect body and fame is settling, but I think most normal people with reasonable expectations ask 'do I like this person' not 'can I do better'.

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

I've tried to do as well as I can for myself in recent years, but in relationships I've always massively settled I think. Almost all of them involved selfish women who would go behind my back with no real care or nurture on their parts. I recently got to thinking about a girl I dated when I was 19 actually. She was a total sweetheart and I dumped her because I found her too meek. To this day I feel like a real asshole about that, and would kill to have that kind of person in my life now.

 

[Dejected 55]

Settling is a funny thing to me. In order to "settle" for someone, they have to be interested in you... even if they are "settling" for you as well. If I lower my standards to zero and was willing to be with any woman who would randomly have me, there still would have to be a woman who wanted me... and in my life that has never been true. So, it's not like if I decided to "settle" that changes anything. I haven't been rejecting or pushing would-be partners away because they didn't measure up to my "high" standards or anything.

So what does it even mean to settle? I think maybe its a false definition. That people lessen their arbitrary requirements and convince themselves they "settled" so they can hang onto some form of misery about their choice if/when it goes wrong. As in... IF I married my dream woman and it doesn't work out, then that's sad... but if I "settle" for someone and that doesn't work out? Well, I settled, so of course it didn't work. Less "blame" and hurt because I always knew it was not right.

It's an escape clause for people who don't want to commit fully. They can always say "you were never the one" and "I settled for you" and it's a way to hurt the partner on the way out and also take no accounting for your own lack of commitment to the relationship.

I don't think "settling" is a real thing.

Meanwhile, our standard change over time as we evolve and learn and our tastes change. When I was 18 I wanted to date girls around my own age. When I was 30 I was not at all trying to date girls under 21... probably not even under 25... At 55 that age range shifted again and I couldn't see myself realistically with a woman under 40 and having any kind of real connection and intimacy.

My physical and personality tastes in women have mostly been the same over time. But for some people that changes as you grow and find more types of women attractive as you get to know more different women. Maybe when you were younger you thought you only liked certain body types but as you mature you realize a lot more women are physically and spiritually attractive to you. Not because you "settle" or lower your standards, but rather because you expand your standards to include people you had previously discounted arbitrarily.

A tangent here... but all the talk about liking yourself and all that... you can be the most competent skilled worker but someone else has to think so or you will not get hired for the job. Your opinion of yourself doesn't matter in that scenario as much as does the hiring manager. So you can buy into the "other people's opinions don't matter" garbage that people spew for feel-good stuff... but at the end of the day, someone has to like you if you want to earn a living and support yourself and someone has to like you if you want to be in a relationship. Regardless of your self-confidence and qualities and standards... someone else's opinion always matters and determines the course of your fate. You can only take yourself so far alone, even if you think you like being alone. Our society requires you fit in to some small degree or you will be one of the countless homeless people out there.

 

[alwaysalone]

Have you 'settled' for (less) in life? Do you think it's wise to or, should we hold out for what we really want?

I used to think I had settled in terms of my career. I know I could/ should have pushed myself to climb higher. I also know I don't have the talent/ skill to reach the top. I know I get easily overwhelmed as the small fish in a big pond and both I and my work suffers as a result. Plus, I've heard terrible stories about what it's actually like at the top. Companies that treat their staff terribly. Awful working conditions, horrible exploitation with no appreciation of a person's efforts. I bagan to realise I could well be best of where I am! So, rather than failure, it's begun to feel like choice too.

It feels far meaner to say we 'settle' in relationships. I suppose I mean- do you consider becoming friends or partners with people who have very different values to you? Who maybe do things you actually strongly dislike?

There was a guy I had the most crazy limerent crush on. I uncharacteristically did try to befriend him at least. On a couple of occassions, we talked together into the small hours. He was very attractive but something seemed off. I felt he would happily use people and he could be so condescending. One night, the prospect of things developing romantically felt possible but, I left. It confused me shortly afterwards. Why would I do that with someone I so badly desired?

I think I knew it was because he didn't love or respect me and, I won't settle for less in terms of relationships or friendships even. It's such a strong commitment to me and it would mean so much that, I wouldn't leave myself at risk of being (inevitably) hurt. Personally, I'm grateful to the prudish, guarded side of me. It's saved me from a whole lot of hurt. Ridiculously, it didn't end my limerent crush on him- which extended a few more years!

I've read an (outright declared) incel thread in the past where they said they were afraid they'd have to 'settle' for some overweight woman. Personally, I'm not sure anyone who believes they are 'settling' should be in a relationship with that person. It hardly resembles respect to feel you are lowering your standards to be with someone. What if that manifests in their behaviour towards them?

Do potential couples even judge one another like that? In terms of- are they all I want/ deserve even? Is it more about compatability maybe. Again, there seems little point in dating someone who's behaviour/ character/ appearance we find abhorrent.

Or, is there? Do some people date just to see how it goes? Is there value in doing that or, do people just get hurt? I'm not against it for others. So long as everyone is clear on the other's intentions.

What are your experiences? Have you 'settled' for less sometimes? Do you wish you had? If you did, did it work out or, did you end up regretting it? Maybe worse- have people or jobs 'settled' for you? I've been that side of it too. Feeling like I don't measure up to what's required. That's also why I've steered clear of relationships. I don't want to feel 'not enough' for someone.

I think it's up to the person making the decision if they're "settling" or not based on what they value. A lot of the time it may look like settling from the outside but the person feels completely fulfilled and happy.