Yuja
Student
- May 6, 2026
- 21
Up until a couple of days ago, I had never really attempted to open myself up to anybody. This is due to a lot of different reasons but among them was the fact that I was afraid of being vulnerable to anybody. That's why I've been able to develop this sort of fake personality which I can immediately switch to whenever I have to talk with people. I remember the last time I had opened up to someone about my past (a family member) they basically told me "yeah, i don't really give a fuck" and decided to abuse me instead of hearing everything I had to say :D
So, anyways, I tried to slightly open up to someone about one of my lesser insecurities (always being the backup or the secondary friend) because we were talking about some semi-serious topics. When I told this person, they made all the usual comments like "oh sorry to hear that" and "man yeah I feel for you" but also said "I don't really relate to what you're going through but..." with a bunch of generic advice gibberish everyone knows already. Now, I don't blame the guy, I mean if he doesn't relate he just doesn't relate and, in fact, I'm glad he never went through the stuff I went through. What I find unfortunate is the fact that most people in my school are probably like him as well. Now, I don't want to make assumptions because I know that everyone has their fair share of difficulties in life, but what I envy is the fact that they can still enjoy life. They can still go out, they can still socialize and make friends, make memories together, eat and hang out together, laugh and cry together, and everything else that would be considered normal. Meanwhile, here I am barely being able to engage in small talk with anybody because of the constant thoughts in my brain running at a thousand miles per hour. To some degree, it really does feel like I'm the only awkward reject.
I had a talk with one of my professors today (I had scheduled an appointment with her in regards to the recent exams but also just for a general checkup since she is my team professor for a group that I am a part of) and I had told her about my struggles with making friends and just feeling alone. For context, this was the first time I had ever opened up to anyone about my loneliness so bluntly and so I was a bit nervous about how she would react (I didn't want to leave a bad impression) but she just gave me the generic "there are people who are here for you" comment. I'm sure that's true to a certain extent but, like her, I am almost sure that if I were to open up to anyone else I would come out of it with three possible outcomes: (1) They hear me out for a couple of minutes, give me the generic consoling, and leave; (2) don't know how to react and think negatively of me as the guy who "has no friends"; (3) tell other people about my issues. I guess this is all assumptions and that I am not going into detail about the specific of my relationships with the people around me but let's just say that I am 80% sure that most people I know will not relate because they all have friend groups.
This sounds sort of salty now that I'm reading back and that's not really my intention with this. I find it hard to express what it is that I actually feel but, in this case, it's a mix of envy, empathy, pity, frustration, and some other stuff. I guess people like me, who isolate themselves from others, aren't bound to come across each other due to our nature. That's why I resulted to coming here after all.
I just wish that I could have friends.... and by that, I mean REAL friends.
I'm not sure what everyone else's definition of a friend is but I don't consider someone that I have not been comfortable with as a friend. At most, I guess it would be a good acquaintance if that makes sense. Because of the environment which is college, I am bound to come across people, talk with them, and recognize them if I happen to walk by them in the hallway. I don't think that qualifies as a friend. Because my school is small, you can say that I know more than a few people. But that's about it. I just know them. I don't hang out with them off campus. I don't eat together with them. I don't talk with them if it's not about a mutual topic which we need to talk about (class, assignments, exams, etc....) It just feels superficial...
Now, I don't know if what I want is to be intimate with someone or to have someone who I can be comfortable with. If I were to be honest, I would say that I have two people whom I wold consider as friends. Now, I know, that sounds confusing because this whole time I've been saying that I don't have friends. The thing is, with these two people in particular, our relationship dynamic is less of being equals but more of me being the younger, newer one, and them being the older, more mature ones. No matter how much we talk, that dynamic sort of inherently shapes the relationship in it of itself (due to the fact that age is an important factor in relationships in east Asia). The reason I do consider them as friends is because I find that more relaxed, less tense, more comical side of myself coming to the surface when I am with them. But at the same time, I know that we will eventually drift apart because they are both graduating soon and will be going back to their countries.
Of course, I plan on staying in touch with them, but it'll be different...
When I think of a friend, I think of someone with whom I can be myself with. With someone that I don't have to worry about walking on eggshells with. Someone that, even if we drift apart due to reasons that are not our fault (e.g. moving away), we can come see each other every once in a while in person to catch up with. Both the people I've mentioned will not be like that. As a side note, I know both of them approached me out of pity initially (I am 90% sure) but I don't mind that now because we became good friends after the fact which is fine by me! The reason I don't like people who approach me out of pity is because our relationship will be extremely short-lived. And I mean like, within a week we barely talk anymore. That feeling of pity eventually goes away due to other, perhaps more engaging, events in life.
Something else I wanted to just rant about was about religion. Specifically, Christianity.
I don't want to get into the nitty gritty (don't feel like writing it all) but basically the college I go to is a Christian school. The issue is that I am not Christian. Now I am very tolerant towards almost everything in life (mainly because I have stopped caring about most things in my life due to depression, anxiety, and suicidal ideation) and that includes religion, so I had no issue with attending this school and having to attend mandatory chapel hours. What I find frustrating is the fact that I cannot see myself becoming Christian. i've heard of so so many stories of people who were apparently "saved" by God and, regardless of whether they are telling the truth or just bullshitting, the fact that the quality of their lives improves after the fact is just beyond my comprehension. It's almost like they trick themselves into believing this which, in turn, helps them cope? I think what I have just said can come off as extremely offensive to anyone that is religion, but I did NOT mean to be offensive with that comment. What I'm trying to say is that I cannot understand this.
Whenever I've heard people's testimonies, I often hear that they mention how "God sent them a message". Whether that be through them hearing a voice (?) or the Lord apparently giving them some sort of cosmic message through random events which can't be chalked up to mere coincidence. I think I am both jealous and confused at the same time whenever I hear this part of people's testimonies. Like, what do you mean you this being beyond our comprehension just magically changed your life one day? It sounds almost to good to be true. I wish I was less skeptic of this and could just accept it and improve the quality of my life but I just cannot.
With that being said, the headmaster of our dorm hall offered to have a 1:1 bible session sort of thing with me once every week. I also told him about my struggles with faith and relationships (he was the last person I told) which is why I think he offered this to me. I'll see how it goes but honestly, I think the most I'll gain from this is just some knowledge on theology. But then again, I am always open to my mind being changed so we shall see.
I'll use this post to also talk about a random memory I had.
This is just a random though I had.
There was this play that was going on and I guess the message was regarding depression. I think it was meant to be a more artistic piece while trying to leave a message, but the story line of the play basically ended up being: person A is with person B, they break up, person A starts cutting (with the dramatic motion of them slitting their wrists), they find God, happy ending.
I have no comments about the play itself but more so the fact that they sort of tried portraying suicide in the form of self-harm. I mean, based on the little knowledge I have on methods, I know that cutting as a method is unrealistic because of how deep you would have to cut and the excruciating pain which would most likely trigger your SI. I think it just comes to show how niche and obscure the actual methods are. Regardless of the fact that portraying real methods out in public would be more harmful than beneficial to the general public, I really doubt the people in the play knew just how deep this topic goes.
In a way, I guess people are better off not knowing since you don't want people with temporary issues finding permanent solutions, but it also makes me feel a certain way for those who's last resort really is ctb but just don't know know how to access the proper resources. I guess it's a sort of dilemma.....
So, anyways, I tried to slightly open up to someone about one of my lesser insecurities (always being the backup or the secondary friend) because we were talking about some semi-serious topics. When I told this person, they made all the usual comments like "oh sorry to hear that" and "man yeah I feel for you" but also said "I don't really relate to what you're going through but..." with a bunch of generic advice gibberish everyone knows already. Now, I don't blame the guy, I mean if he doesn't relate he just doesn't relate and, in fact, I'm glad he never went through the stuff I went through. What I find unfortunate is the fact that most people in my school are probably like him as well. Now, I don't want to make assumptions because I know that everyone has their fair share of difficulties in life, but what I envy is the fact that they can still enjoy life. They can still go out, they can still socialize and make friends, make memories together, eat and hang out together, laugh and cry together, and everything else that would be considered normal. Meanwhile, here I am barely being able to engage in small talk with anybody because of the constant thoughts in my brain running at a thousand miles per hour. To some degree, it really does feel like I'm the only awkward reject.
I had a talk with one of my professors today (I had scheduled an appointment with her in regards to the recent exams but also just for a general checkup since she is my team professor for a group that I am a part of) and I had told her about my struggles with making friends and just feeling alone. For context, this was the first time I had ever opened up to anyone about my loneliness so bluntly and so I was a bit nervous about how she would react (I didn't want to leave a bad impression) but she just gave me the generic "there are people who are here for you" comment. I'm sure that's true to a certain extent but, like her, I am almost sure that if I were to open up to anyone else I would come out of it with three possible outcomes: (1) They hear me out for a couple of minutes, give me the generic consoling, and leave; (2) don't know how to react and think negatively of me as the guy who "has no friends"; (3) tell other people about my issues. I guess this is all assumptions and that I am not going into detail about the specific of my relationships with the people around me but let's just say that I am 80% sure that most people I know will not relate because they all have friend groups.
This sounds sort of salty now that I'm reading back and that's not really my intention with this. I find it hard to express what it is that I actually feel but, in this case, it's a mix of envy, empathy, pity, frustration, and some other stuff. I guess people like me, who isolate themselves from others, aren't bound to come across each other due to our nature. That's why I resulted to coming here after all.
I just wish that I could have friends.... and by that, I mean REAL friends.
I'm not sure what everyone else's definition of a friend is but I don't consider someone that I have not been comfortable with as a friend. At most, I guess it would be a good acquaintance if that makes sense. Because of the environment which is college, I am bound to come across people, talk with them, and recognize them if I happen to walk by them in the hallway. I don't think that qualifies as a friend. Because my school is small, you can say that I know more than a few people. But that's about it. I just know them. I don't hang out with them off campus. I don't eat together with them. I don't talk with them if it's not about a mutual topic which we need to talk about (class, assignments, exams, etc....) It just feels superficial...
Now, I don't know if what I want is to be intimate with someone or to have someone who I can be comfortable with. If I were to be honest, I would say that I have two people whom I wold consider as friends. Now, I know, that sounds confusing because this whole time I've been saying that I don't have friends. The thing is, with these two people in particular, our relationship dynamic is less of being equals but more of me being the younger, newer one, and them being the older, more mature ones. No matter how much we talk, that dynamic sort of inherently shapes the relationship in it of itself (due to the fact that age is an important factor in relationships in east Asia). The reason I do consider them as friends is because I find that more relaxed, less tense, more comical side of myself coming to the surface when I am with them. But at the same time, I know that we will eventually drift apart because they are both graduating soon and will be going back to their countries.
Of course, I plan on staying in touch with them, but it'll be different...
When I think of a friend, I think of someone with whom I can be myself with. With someone that I don't have to worry about walking on eggshells with. Someone that, even if we drift apart due to reasons that are not our fault (e.g. moving away), we can come see each other every once in a while in person to catch up with. Both the people I've mentioned will not be like that. As a side note, I know both of them approached me out of pity initially (I am 90% sure) but I don't mind that now because we became good friends after the fact which is fine by me! The reason I don't like people who approach me out of pity is because our relationship will be extremely short-lived. And I mean like, within a week we barely talk anymore. That feeling of pity eventually goes away due to other, perhaps more engaging, events in life.
Something else I wanted to just rant about was about religion. Specifically, Christianity.
I don't want to get into the nitty gritty (don't feel like writing it all) but basically the college I go to is a Christian school. The issue is that I am not Christian. Now I am very tolerant towards almost everything in life (mainly because I have stopped caring about most things in my life due to depression, anxiety, and suicidal ideation) and that includes religion, so I had no issue with attending this school and having to attend mandatory chapel hours. What I find frustrating is the fact that I cannot see myself becoming Christian. i've heard of so so many stories of people who were apparently "saved" by God and, regardless of whether they are telling the truth or just bullshitting, the fact that the quality of their lives improves after the fact is just beyond my comprehension. It's almost like they trick themselves into believing this which, in turn, helps them cope? I think what I have just said can come off as extremely offensive to anyone that is religion, but I did NOT mean to be offensive with that comment. What I'm trying to say is that I cannot understand this.
Whenever I've heard people's testimonies, I often hear that they mention how "God sent them a message". Whether that be through them hearing a voice (?) or the Lord apparently giving them some sort of cosmic message through random events which can't be chalked up to mere coincidence. I think I am both jealous and confused at the same time whenever I hear this part of people's testimonies. Like, what do you mean you this being beyond our comprehension just magically changed your life one day? It sounds almost to good to be true. I wish I was less skeptic of this and could just accept it and improve the quality of my life but I just cannot.
With that being said, the headmaster of our dorm hall offered to have a 1:1 bible session sort of thing with me once every week. I also told him about my struggles with faith and relationships (he was the last person I told) which is why I think he offered this to me. I'll see how it goes but honestly, I think the most I'll gain from this is just some knowledge on theology. But then again, I am always open to my mind being changed so we shall see.
I'll use this post to also talk about a random memory I had.
This is just a random though I had.
There was this play that was going on and I guess the message was regarding depression. I think it was meant to be a more artistic piece while trying to leave a message, but the story line of the play basically ended up being: person A is with person B, they break up, person A starts cutting (with the dramatic motion of them slitting their wrists), they find God, happy ending.
I have no comments about the play itself but more so the fact that they sort of tried portraying suicide in the form of self-harm. I mean, based on the little knowledge I have on methods, I know that cutting as a method is unrealistic because of how deep you would have to cut and the excruciating pain which would most likely trigger your SI. I think it just comes to show how niche and obscure the actual methods are. Regardless of the fact that portraying real methods out in public would be more harmful than beneficial to the general public, I really doubt the people in the play knew just how deep this topic goes.
In a way, I guess people are better off not knowing since you don't want people with temporary issues finding permanent solutions, but it also makes me feel a certain way for those who's last resort really is ctb but just don't know know how to access the proper resources. I guess it's a sort of dilemma.....
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