deedeme
Whatever
- Feb 5, 2024
- 108
I really do wonder why. Sorry if I sound pathetic.
I find myself going into circles; last year during summer I was at my best
I was working out, eating healthy, I was socialising, I read books, I was working and loved doing it, I was motivated to evolve and become the best version of myself, I was taking care of myself (skincare, nails, nice outfits.. you name it).
I made a list of goals to complete (which I did, some things were accomplished even without taking action which was the thing that surprised me the most). I was thrilled to start uni again and I told myself that this year would be different.
I was happy and content with myself. It seems though, that state was only temporary.
The pressure built up. I was reminded of my family's needs, that I have big responsibilities, that there is no room for failure. That I have to act fast and be successful in order to provide. I feel as if I'm a parent with enormous responsibilities to carry on their children. And I'm only 22.
I have no room for venting, all my feelings are hidden away and camouflaged with a fake smile. Why? Because I would only be reminded about how other people have it worse, and I agree (especially after reading some users posts, for that I apologise to you all. Forgive me if you come across this thread.) Mental health is pretty much overlooked in my family "just be happy! Don't be a lazy ass!!!"
Previously my thoughts were aligned with that idea, I want to help my family, I want to make their lives easier however I feel like I'm never enough. I ghosted everyone to focus on them, I have no friends, no person to talk with in order to detach from my home environment. We all need breaks right?
I'm constantly being reminded that my efforts are equal to 0, that I'm not enough, that I need to push harder and that life isn't easy so I must be strong, especially because I have all the means to achieve my goals.
I can't become rich overnight, I need time to focus on my studies, to find a proper job, and to climb the ladder.
It seems that I don't have the privilege of time. The risk of failure is my death sentence. Living with perfectionism demands had a toll on my mental health, proof was my first attempt at ctb when I was only 12.
I don't feel comfortable yet talking about my family, we went through a lot of traumatic experiences and that's also why I feel incredibly guilty feeling the way that I feel.
I love them, too much. I always told myself even while I was sane that I don't care about myself and I could die right away as long as they are happy.
When I was 12 I never cared about my appearance and that pissed them off. I was depressed, overweight, so I pushed forward and changed my habits to please them. Once I became fit and had a good regime they were very proud and kept showing off to other relatives "look how beautiful and smart she is".
Now I'm here, having suicidal thoughts. Started sh again, just pushing it through until I figure out the best time to leave. I'm struggling to look after myself, the only thing I do is tidying up my house because if I don't that would lead to suspicion.
If I have messy hair or a tired face, I use my studies as an excuse, so that I can deal with.
I hate myself, I'm once again sabotaging what I achieved with my efforts alone. I feel selfish, they were right when they continuously called me selfish. Maybe I am some kind of narcissist, I never believed that because I'm empathic but who knows at this stage.
I'm at this point where I doubt everything, my own thoughts, my own feelings. I feel like I went batshit crazy. Sorry, I don't want to offend anyone, I'm trying to put out here my feelings and maybe find some insight from any of you.
I'm sure that there's something wrong with my brain's physiology. I highly doubt normal people would think about stabbing themselves during an argument in front of their loved ones. Or is that just an intrusive thought? See? I'm fucking doubting everything.
No, I can't afford therapy, and even if I did I would have to be secretive.
This is killing me.
I find myself going into circles; last year during summer I was at my best
I was working out, eating healthy, I was socialising, I read books, I was working and loved doing it, I was motivated to evolve and become the best version of myself, I was taking care of myself (skincare, nails, nice outfits.. you name it).
I made a list of goals to complete (which I did, some things were accomplished even without taking action which was the thing that surprised me the most). I was thrilled to start uni again and I told myself that this year would be different.
I was happy and content with myself. It seems though, that state was only temporary.
The pressure built up. I was reminded of my family's needs, that I have big responsibilities, that there is no room for failure. That I have to act fast and be successful in order to provide. I feel as if I'm a parent with enormous responsibilities to carry on their children. And I'm only 22.
I have no room for venting, all my feelings are hidden away and camouflaged with a fake smile. Why? Because I would only be reminded about how other people have it worse, and I agree (especially after reading some users posts, for that I apologise to you all. Forgive me if you come across this thread.) Mental health is pretty much overlooked in my family "just be happy! Don't be a lazy ass!!!"
Previously my thoughts were aligned with that idea, I want to help my family, I want to make their lives easier however I feel like I'm never enough. I ghosted everyone to focus on them, I have no friends, no person to talk with in order to detach from my home environment. We all need breaks right?
I'm constantly being reminded that my efforts are equal to 0, that I'm not enough, that I need to push harder and that life isn't easy so I must be strong, especially because I have all the means to achieve my goals.
I can't become rich overnight, I need time to focus on my studies, to find a proper job, and to climb the ladder.
It seems that I don't have the privilege of time. The risk of failure is my death sentence. Living with perfectionism demands had a toll on my mental health, proof was my first attempt at ctb when I was only 12.
I don't feel comfortable yet talking about my family, we went through a lot of traumatic experiences and that's also why I feel incredibly guilty feeling the way that I feel.
I love them, too much. I always told myself even while I was sane that I don't care about myself and I could die right away as long as they are happy.
When I was 12 I never cared about my appearance and that pissed them off. I was depressed, overweight, so I pushed forward and changed my habits to please them. Once I became fit and had a good regime they were very proud and kept showing off to other relatives "look how beautiful and smart she is".
Now I'm here, having suicidal thoughts. Started sh again, just pushing it through until I figure out the best time to leave. I'm struggling to look after myself, the only thing I do is tidying up my house because if I don't that would lead to suspicion.
If I have messy hair or a tired face, I use my studies as an excuse, so that I can deal with.
I hate myself, I'm once again sabotaging what I achieved with my efforts alone. I feel selfish, they were right when they continuously called me selfish. Maybe I am some kind of narcissist, I never believed that because I'm empathic but who knows at this stage.
I'm at this point where I doubt everything, my own thoughts, my own feelings. I feel like I went batshit crazy. Sorry, I don't want to offend anyone, I'm trying to put out here my feelings and maybe find some insight from any of you.
I'm sure that there's something wrong with my brain's physiology. I highly doubt normal people would think about stabbing themselves during an argument in front of their loved ones. Or is that just an intrusive thought? See? I'm fucking doubting everything.
No, I can't afford therapy, and even if I did I would have to be secretive.
This is killing me.
