Self Sabotage? Tell Me Your Stories?

[Dead Ghost]

I self sabotage in so many ways.

Self harm, both explicitly and not. I don't take care of my health - have diabetes, don't bother watching what I eat. Currently struggling with vision issues and have no plans to make an appointment, even though it could threaten my sight in one eye.

I don't reach out to friends or family. I stopped going to therapy almost a year ago. I only sometimes take my meds. I have such a hard time concentrating and I think I'm losing my sense of self but I don't even have the focus to dwell on that.

And most of the time, I don't care about any of it. If any bad luck happens by my inaction, well, that's one more step towards my departure, right?

And yet, sometimes, fleetingly, I have moments of clarity. Sometimes, I'm overwhelmed by how happy a show makes me, or how pretty the sky is, and the feeling is so unfamiliar now that it makes me pause, just for a moment. It makes me want to improve myself, to regain myself. ...but, then I sabotage again, out of fear, or apathy, or anger, and I'm back where I started.

And why does this happen to us? Sometimes it even makes me feel good when I despise myself by not taking care of me, it's as if the fact of hurting myself relieves me for a few moments from everything that happens to me.
I don't solve anything, so why do we do it?

//

I això per què ens passa? de vegades inclòs em fa sentir bé quan em menyspreo no cuidant de mi, es com si el fet de fer-me mal m'alleugis per uns moments de tot el que em passa.
No soluciono res, així que, per què ho fem?

 

[hamvil]

In so many ways.

- i challenged several authority figure in my former job just for the fun of it
- i push the boundaries on several social networks until I finally snapped and posted an hateful tweet that ruined my life
- pushed away so many friends that I lost count
- i have been abusive with a woman that I love (however she probably used me as well)
- i have abused verbally my wife
- i have a porn addiction that is pushing me toward more and more extreme stuff
- i am abusing social networks with anonymous profile probably because I want to get caught
- i am making some risky activity regarding sex

 

[Teddybear]

I can't handle the feeling of being stuck in one place or the frustration that comes from failure. It catapults me straight back the boarding school my mother stuck me in, when she grew tired of my "suicide threats"

That place was located in the most conservative country side. The locals despised us boarding school kids anyway, because most of us were there as "troubled youth" and I - on top of that - was the only colored child in the whole damn county.

Every day was living hell - a never ending cacaphony of racism, brutallity and abuse - and my mother made sure I had to stay there until I turned 18.

So now *any* situation where I feel like there is no escape throws me back there within an instant. I feel like a trapped, caged animal and react with aggression inside and out.

When I get this feeling I do terrible things to myself and on a few occasions I was just seconds away from doing terrible stuff to some fool who thought that to be right moment to provoke me.

I got this infinite rage burning inside of me and it makes me be a terrible person at times.
I hate to admit it, but when I was a young man I thought "mass murderer" could be a valid job choice for me.

 

[hamvil]

I can't handle the feeling of being stuck in one place or the frustration that comes from failure. It catapults me straight back the boarding school my mother stuck me in, when she grew tired of my "suicide threats"

That place was located in the most conservative country side. The locals despised us boarding school kids anyway, because most of us were there as "troubled youth" and I - on top of that - was the only colored child in the whole damn county.

Every day was living hell - a never ending cacaphony of racism, brutallity and abuse - and my mother made sure I had to stay there until I turned 18.

So now *any* situation where I feel like there is no escape throws me back there within an instant. I feel like a trapped, caged animal and react with aggression inside and out.

When I get this feeling I do terrible things to myself and on a few occasions I was just seconds away from doing terrible stuff to some fool who thought that to be right moment to provoke me.

I got this infinite rage burning inside of me and it makes me be a terrible person at times.
I hate to admit it, but when I was a young man I thought "mass murderer" could be a valid job choice for me.

I feel a lot of rage inside myself as well. Not sure if it is the same to you but I tend to escalate every little situation. I tend to get aggressive, insult people and make threats. Even in this moment I am trying to plan how I can get into a fight with a person that wronged me because I want to tell her a lot of bad stuff.

 

[Teddybear]

I feel a lot of rage inside myself as well. Not sure if it is the same to you but I tend to escalate every little situation. I tend to get aggressive, insult people and make threats. Even in this moment I am trying to plan how I can get into a fight with a person that wronged me because I want to tell her a lot of bad stuff.

I am very binary in that aspect, which people often mistake. I try to avoid fights wherever I can, but pushed beyond a certain threshold a switch gets turned in my head and I go from "peace" to "kill!" in under 2 seconds.

I often marble at the fact that I haven't killed anyone - yet.

 

[hamvil]

I am very binary in that aspect, which people often mistake. I try to avoid fights wherever I can, but pushed beyond a certain threshold a switch gets turned in my head and I go from "peace" to "kill!" in under 2 seconds.

I often marble at the fact that I haven't killed anyone - yet.

That is better. I tend to consider myself a good person, a loving partner. I truly cared for some people but then when I receive even little wrongings i tend to explode and turn sadistic. I lost the woman of my life to this and all my friends. I realise I have this issue but I cannot control it.

 

[Teddybear]

That is better. I tend to consider myself a good person, a loving partner. I truly cared for some people but then when I receive even little wrongings i tend to explode and turn sadistic. I lost the woman of my life to this and all my friends. I realise I have this issue but I cannot control it.

I always chose the kind of women that would not stop to bitch and scream and yell at me until things got physical.

For me that was "normal" in a relationship - never knew otherwise. :(

 

[Apathetic]

Currently doing my masters, and working on my thesis. Have written about 0 words and it's due next week. So hopefully once I fail that, I'll have the proper motivation to CTB.

 

[Arrow]

My entire life is a story of self-sabotage. There is no one "story" I could tell you to illustrate the point. 99% of the twenty years of my life so far have been wasted completely for no reason, simply because of laziness and fear.