Venting Self-hatred is a curse

[RottenSoul]

Hello everyone, this is my first post here, i wanted to write down some realizations i had about self hatred. Everyone else (my therapist and my "close friends") just try to tell me that i am a valuable person but it never works, it never works because self hatred is a deep rooted cancer inside ones soul (at least that's how i feel about it). Self hatred is not something you can disassemble easily with logic because it's not based around logic. My brain has already decided that i am a piece of garbage and is constantly looking for ways to prove it to me. No matter how much logic you put into trying to prove it wrong the self hatred always wins because it hurts so much that it feels real. The anxiety, the racing thoughts of your inner critic, the self loathing, it hurts so much that logic can not fight it because it's based in emotion and if it feels so real then it must be real. It's so hard when my whole teenage years i grew up thinking i was the guy nobody cared about. Not unlikable, just someone who existed without participating. An observer watching other people have friends, romantic partners, a life, while i was there just existing with people occasionally talking to me to see if i was fine, but they didn't care about me. If i disappeared nobody would notice, at least that's how i felt and no person can tell me otherwise, that was my reality, my absolute truth.

Self hatred is also a self fulfilling prophecy. If i am too busy living inside my own head and in my thoughts i am never truly there. My body might be present but my mind is not, thus i seem distant or shy or not interested. They don't know it's because i hate myself they think that i am just a bit anxious and they don't understand why. Therefore i remain a person always on the sidelines, even if am am outside with other people i don't feel like i belong with them, like an alien guest in their already established group. Never on the main plans of anyone, never invited anywhere for who i am. I am also autistic but this is not because of my autism, i don't fit with other autistic people either, even with them i feel distant and not belonging there. The difference lies not in the autism but in the self-loathing. I know autistic people who are completely alone, others who are not, others who are way weirder than i am but they are okay with it. That's why they can be themselves, their true selves, and be satisfied with who they are, because you can never truly be yourself when you hate yourself, you always try hide what you hate.

After that i realized that i will never be able to be truly happy around other people in general. Because when i am with other people i always compare myself to them, feel inferior to them and feel like i always have to seem likable because else they will leave me. Who would want to be with a boring, self loathing piece of garbage like me? Being with other people is not enjoyable, it feels like a task, a task where i have to hide who i am, where i force myself to talk else i will be ditched and be left alone again. The only moments when i don't feel like a subhuman is when i am alone, who is there to compare yourself to when you are alone? You will always be the worthiest among the bunch.

That's why no matter what i do or what i achieve i will always feel like a piece of garbage. All the academic achievements i made and all the groups of people i have available to go out if want to are just temporary reliefs from the one absolute truth that has already been decided and rooted deep inside my mind: I hate myself. That's why i will always be an observer of life among the participants, the unworthy among the worthy.

Sorry about the long post, i just wanted to write what i was thinking these past few and see if anyone else can relate. Maybe this can be a realization that in the end helps me find if and how tore out of my soul this curse that's called self hatred.

 

[Cyc]

That's why no matter what i do or what i achieve i will always feel like a piece of garbage. All the academic achievements i made and all the groups of people i have available to go out if want to are just temporary reliefs from the one absolute truth that has already been decided and rooted deep inside my mind: I hate myself. That's why i will always be an observer of life among the participants, the unworthy among the worthy.

This is the most relatable part imo. I feel like I can't get rid of my self hatred no matter how much I try

 

[Dinorun]

I relate to what you wrote so so much. im tired of always reaching the conclusion that I'm less than, less worthy, less smart or talented, less deserving of love, and i have mountains of memories and experiences that support those claims, and being left out by "friends" its like a vicious cycle

I also noticed that I remember every fuck up, every lose, every cringe in 4k while every achievement or anything i do acomplish and im proud of is forgotten and disappears pretty much that same second.

I dont know if you will relate but i think I experience the world is through tinted glasses that i just cannot take off, they make me
see and project things that are not necessarily there and that people think about me stuff that are not necessarily true
and it doesnt matter how much good stuff and if i get praise, I can't internalize it the way other people do my brain just ejects it immediately
Maybe part of it is also being addicted to the loser mindset idk.

I think was over for me the second i was born into a household with abusive parent who would scream and threaten and manipulate me and my mother everyday

only thing that helps me is just focusing on myself and the hobbies that makes me happy, i try to reject the thoughts and mindset when it attacks me
like you are worthless - so what? you will fail those tests- so what? ill figure it out ive been through harder things
you are alone you have no friends and you will be like that forever - so what? im doing what makes me happy, i have many more years to save and go for trips around the globe and so many things to see, im healthy etc

ironically when you start thinking only on yourself and what makes you happy, and dress how ever you want beacuse you dont have to impress anyone anymore etc people pick up on it as confidence? and gravitate a bit towards you idk it wont solve anything but its nice to chat with someone every so often


good luck wishing for all of us to figure this **** out and

 

[RottenSoul]

This is the most relatable part imo. I feel like I can't get rid of my self hatred no matter how much I try

I am sorry to hear that you relate to this. It's such a horrible thing to carry, the worst thing is that it feels like it can't change. Sometimes i am afraid that i will always be unhappy no matter what i do because of this. The only thing i can say is that life is so absurd, like you just do stuff that have no point, anything. That's the thing that keeps me alive right now. Learning something, playing a video game, watching an anime or even exercising. They are all things that can keep someone awaiting to experience or to achieve something or they can maybe let you feel a bit better about yourself. Sometimes it's worth to exist just for the fun of it, it's good i think to create purpose out of thin air, everything is so absurd anyway.

I relate to what you wrote so so much. im tired of always reaching the conclusion that I'm less than, less worthy, less smart or talented, less deserving of love, and i have mountains of memories and experiences that support those claims, and being left out by "friends" its like a vicious cycle

I also noticed that I remember every fuck up, every lose, every cringe in 4k while every achievement or anything i do acomplish and im proud of is forgotten and disappears pretty much that same second.

I dont know if you will relate but i think I experience the world is through tinted glasses that i just cannot take off, they make me
see and project things that are not necessarily there and that people think about me stuff that are not necessarily true
and it doesnt matter how much good stuff and if i get praise, I can't internalize it the way other people do my brain just ejects it immediately
Maybe part of it is also being addicted to the loser mindset idk.

I think was over for me the second i was born into a household with abusive parent who would scream and threaten and manipulate me and my mother everyday

only thing that helps me is just focusing on myself and the hobbies that makes me happy, i try to reject the thoughts and mindset when it attacks me
like you are worthless - so what? you will fail those tests- so what? ill figure it out ive been through harder things
you are alone you have no friends and you will be like that forever - so what? im doing what makes me happy, i have many more years to save and go for trips around the globe and so many things to see, im healthy etc

ironically when you start thinking only on yourself and what makes you happy, and dress how ever you want beacuse you dont have to impress anyone anymore etc people pick up on it as confidence? and gravitate a bit towards you idk it wont solve anything but its nice to chat with someone every so often


good luck wishing for all of us to figure this **** out andI think you get the point here.

I am sorry you went through that with the abusive household although it's not like my household was much better. I live in a country where people go live on their own much later than most countries and family is a pretty big thing. The thing is my grandma has gone paranoid lately and doesn't want to pay the electricity bill of the basement is spend most of my time and threatening me and my parents that the power is gonna be cut (yes i am 19 and spending a lot of my time in my parents basement, it's really nice and quiet lol). Anyway enough about me. You can see what i wrote to Cyc. That's how i also deal with life a lot of the time. Life is so absurd that you just do stuff that have no point really. One way to go through is basically what you described and just create artificial meaning, it's basically what people call goals but it can even more basic. Sometimes i feel like i want to be alive just to listen to music or play another video game because it's fun. Absurdity might sound like a heavy word but it is so fun, i think some people might call this optimistic nihilism but i prefer the term absurdity.

 

[metfan647]

I relate to a lot of this.

What is the fix? Positive affirmations in the mirror every morning? Do they still peddle this?

 

[tomame]

it is a curse .. but it can also be quite humbling .. or at least was the case for me, before, being quite arrogant- Life experiences as of lately have taken all my confidence leaving me a shell of my former self and drowning in desperation and self hatred

 

[pascagalias]

Self hatred is also a self fulfilling prophecy.

That's so true. It makes me backslide into bad habits, which then leads to more self hatred, ...

What is the fix?

Short-term solutions for me are any activities, that break negative thoughts: Drawing or scribbling, listening to music i like, running.

But I am also in therapy, which is helping me a lot. For example to stop adopting judgements of other people and society. (Which is tricky, because some of these already feel like my own. But they are just the echo in my mind of something I read or someone told me.)

Sometimes I wish I was less sensitive, and wouldn't care so much about what other people think. But I am, so these issues made me very cautious with other people. There are very few that I feel I can trust. But at least there are some.

 

[metfan647]

That's so true. It makes me backslide into bad habits, which then leads to more self hatred, ...


Short-term solutions for me are any activities, that break negative thoughts: Drawing or scribbling, listening to music i like, running.

But I am also in therapy, which is helping me a lot. For example to stop adopting judgements of other people and society. (Which is tricky, because some of these already feel like my own. But they are just the echo in my mind of something I read or someone told me.)

Sometimes I wish I was less sensitive, and wouldn't care so much about what other people think. But I am, so these issues made me very cautious with other people. There are very few that I feel I can trust. But at least there are some.

I'm glad you're finding therapy useful. I've just been referred in the last few days. Hopefully I can benefit too. It's worth a shot.

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

I have struggled with this my whole life. I think fostering humility and gratitude will help.

 

[pelicanportal]

Recently had the revelation that self-hatred/ugliness is the source of all of my issues, I would be fine if I could stop it. I was planning to lock into it if I can find a therapist. Is there really no fucking method beyond sticking a "you are beautiful" note on your mirror? Have psychologists made zero fucking progress on it??

 

[Dinorun]

Recently had the revelation that self-hatred/ugliness is the source of all of my issues, I would be fine if I could stop it. I was planning to lock into it if I can find a therapist. Is there really no fucking method beyond sticking a "you are beautiful" note on your mirror? Have psychologists made zero fucking progress on it??

stick the note on the mirror, take care and put effort into yourself, catch yourself when you project insecurities on yourself and realize what you think others think of you is not what they actually think, get some achievements, lock in on your studdies or whatever. volunteer, do your hobbies that make you smile, stay active and do sports. try to have some existential realizations that were all just stuck on a rock spinnig around in the middle of space and how absurd life is and why would you spend your limited time with those thoughts. others turn to religion and decide that everything they been through are tests from god so its good beacuse it surves purpose. try to find friend someone who understands how tough and confusing and lost life is. or 100x better a friendgroup that fullfills you
inspect people who got delt a much worse cards and how they can be happy and how lucky you are. write everything in your mind in the journal and everything you are thankful for. go trauma dump on some poor psychotherapist, they dont have anything to tell you that will actually help you but you still feel lighter after it. take trips, get outside your box. try not to indulge in self distructing behaviords and giving in into your vices like doom scrolling alcohol drugs laziness have your pick.




>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

from my understanding and what im doing, is all the stuff above repeatedly and then stay hopeful your brain sees all that work and decides maybe im not so bad just a person who been through things but so what, its trying its best and maybe your brain stops attacking you constantly atleast that what helped me a little.

maybe when you are that busy all day your mind has less time to sit and tear itself into shreds and remind itself of every bad and truma from the last xx years.
didnt stop the thoughts that i am not supposed to be in this world but it helps
hopefully it works better to others

 

[orpheus_]

It's so hard when my whole teenage years i grew up thinking i was the guy nobody cared about. Not unlikable, just someone who existed without participating. An observer watching other people have friends, romantic partners, a life, while i was there just existing with people occasionally talking to me to see if i was fine, but they didn't care about me. If i disappeared nobody would notice, at least that's how i felt and no person can tell me otherwise, that was my reality, my absolute truth.

If i am too busy living inside my own head and in my thoughts i am never truly there. My body might be present but my mind is not, thus i seem distant or shy or not interested. They don't know it's because i hate myself they think that i am just a bit anxious and they don't understand why. Therefore i remain a person always on the sidelines, even if am am outside with other people i don't feel like i belong with them, like an alien guest in their already established group. Never on the main plans of anyone, never invited anywhere for who i am.

I could have literally written this.
The only close relationship I have honestly only exists because I sacrificed myself for them and they had nobody else who would do so much. Also because of their emotional issues but that's another story. Anyway I feel like I'm incapable of participating in anything socially. I feel like watching life from behind a glass wall most of the time, I always back off because I think I shouldn't take other people's time tbh.

Though I guess I got over some of the self hatred I used to have. As a kid/teen I would literally despise myself and do everything to make myself suffer thinking I deserved it. Now I just mostly see myself in a neutral way though I feel like this self hatred is more internalized, like in theory I don't think of myself badly yet when I confront any life situation it changes drastically. At least I don't back off from life *completely* now even though something always tells me to do it.

I guess what kind of helped me get over it partially was finding hobbies, just doing things because I enjoyed them, not because "I had to be good", and over time I found things I felt like I was good at, accidentally. I was always interested in creative activities, mostly writing. I found that finishing a story made me feel somehow proud of myself, like "damn I actually made something", also other people appreciated it which did help me believe I'm not a 100% piece of garbage.

The only thing i can say is that life is so absurd, like you just do stuff that have no point, anything.

I also hold a similar view on life, in the end everything's meaningless, we can just be here to have some fun (and maybe support others who are in this shithole called life with us), maybe build some meaning for ourselves. Seeing reality as meaningless is what allows me to worry less about people's views on me and my overall "worth" as a person, but it's a double edged sword. I either fall into "nothing matters, why bother doing anything anyway" or I start actually caring about reality and decide I'm a terrible person who only bothers everyone and is bad at everything tbh. I guess there must be the third way, but for now I'm just trying to stay in that grey zone between the two extremes.

To be honest forcing self-love does nothing for me, or sometimes does the opposite even. It just feels fake. The more helpful approach, I think, is just "self-neutrality". Okay, I exist, I perceive reality, this is the body and brain I randomly got and it's (most likely) the only chance I got to experience life. I'm trying to act according to what I think of as morally good. I'm not the one to judge myself, because I can't be objective anyway. Does this approach always work? OF COURSE NOT, but it's, I feel, much more achievable than loving yourself forcefully.

Also, contrary to my expectations, therapy did help a bit. Though I was never forcefully made to "love myself", really (I would NOT keep working with a therapist who would insist on that tbh). I mean, what actually helped was just talking through some of the experiences that made me feel like I was worse than others, like being left out in social situations and stuff. In theory I knew that these situations probably contributed to how much I hated myself and had no strong feelings about them, "just memories that stay in the past, that's it". I guess discussing them and finding reasons why they went a certain way made me subconsciously realize that it was not about me being a piece of garbage, but either random circumstances or identifiable mistakes that I can avoid in the future.

Also one thing that (unexpectedly) helped me were ssri medications. Like how the fuck. But somehow when I started taking them I started being less hateful towards myself than I ever was?? Kind of scary how those little pills that were only supposed to make me less tired and more functional, actually influenced my perception of myself. I mean, I'm not complaining.

It's sad how many people have a similar problem. The worst thing about self-hate is that it gets into people so deep that you can't just "think yourself out of it", and I know that what I wrote here will not fix your lives but idk maybe someone can get anything good out of it. I hope things can get better for all of you guys