feeling conflicted

[vanillacakeyyy]

i don't want to go, death still scares me despite being agonistic or atheist but i don't know how much longer i can endure living like this. i am in my early twenties but i still feel like there's something wrong with me, i cannot recall the last time i could go a week without crying feeling like i am a complete failure not only as a woman, but a person. i feel pathetic for still having dreams and passions knowing they may never come true. i am not a student and not employed after sending in hundreds of applications so i am unable to still be a functioning adult after all of these years. i feel so evil for not being able to feel happiness for others, it's like my heart became this gigantic void but my only online friends will still think im just a sweet girl with self image issues. has anyone else able to escape from this way of living or at least learn how to cope with it? this is my first post here so i really apologize if this is awkward and too long

 

[Redacted24]

Hi, first of all, welcome to the community.

I'm sorry that you are in a place in life that you found us, but in the time I've been here I have only found kindness and empathy from the community members - and I'm always amazed at how many talented, interesting, and nice members there are.

The site may be a little confusing to navigate at first, don't hesitate to ask questions! Just be sure to review the site rules though.

I'm sure others will share their thoughts, but for me...I came here 2+ years ago looking for ways to exit. I didn't know then that the reason I felt so badly about myself, so alone and empty, was because of domestic violence.

I'm working through that still. But don't live with my abuser anymore. So, I'm trying to see if the hurt can be undone or at least managed.

This site... the people on this site... helped me realize that I'm not alone in these feelings. I felt heard here. And others' stories resonated with me. It's, really powerful to not feel isolated and alone.

So instead of ending it all in 2024, here I am still. Being encouraged by others that are trying to make it through.

I don't know if this is helpful, I'm sorry if not.
But there are others struggling.
And we can get strength and support from them, and from any professional help too.

See you around, and welcome again.
R