Resource Self Harm Support Thread

[AndrewWood'sDeath]

I used to self-harm by restricting food and therefore developed anorexia. It felt so good restricting food because I feel like I'm punishiing myself for all the bad I've done. I still do it sometimes. I just never tell anyone about it anymore because the last time some former friends knew about it they guilted me for having anorexia. Looks like i can never do anything right. I lost those friends, I stressed them out too much. I'm too much. lol sorry for rambling, it's just that my last day alive is coming very quickly and my regrets are flooding me

I hope you can find some peace in your remaining days don't feel regret for other people judging you instead of supporting you. And if you really feel you made mistakes well of course we all do its okay you have done what you can in, at least you tried and as someone else who is constantly finding ways to punish themselves I understand this is impossible but I'll be hoping for you that you find a little reprieve from the self abuse in your remaining day and someway to accept yourself just a tiny bit.

Also its rare to find people who will love us at our worst and I think most or all people will face that fight sometimes. Really at our darkest we either stay broken and stay alone or don't have human relationships again until we are no longer at our worst, its sad but so it goes.

 

[completely-done]

I hope you can find some peace in your remaining days don't feel regret for other people judging you instead of supporting you. And if you really feel you made mistakes well of course we all do its okay you have done what you can in, at least you tried and as someone else who is constantly finding ways to punish themselves I understand this is impossible but I'll be hoping for you that you find a little reprieve from the self abuse in your remaining day and someway to accept yourself just a tiny bit.

Also its rare to find people who will love us at our worst and I think most or all people will face that fight sometimes. Really at our darkest we either stay broken and stay alone or don't have human relationships again until we are no longer at our worst, its sad but so it goes.

Thank you for your understanding. It's true, people don't love me at my worst. It seems like other people's worst is less worse than my worse, I'm really just too much and will never be accepted. I really want to be loved and I will never be loved, I don't want to continue to face the disappointment that I am lol.

I will try to give myself a break on my last week alive, although I don't think I can completely let go of my regrets. I will carry them to my grave. But that's okay, I guess I'm just meant to be carrier of grief and sadness, and I'm okay with it.

You're so kind, thank you for your words

 

[Mr. Squiggles]

hello.

it takes some effort to write my first post here but i can't sleep anymore if meds don't kick in and the urge to harm is getting a bit overwhelming these nights, so i might as well give it a shot.

i first started cutting with 14ish; had burnout with 17 and started putting out cigarettes on my hand. stopped for about a decade, with some exceptions, but when i started trauma-therapy a few years ago it all came crashing down hard.
back then i cut myself with a blade i heated on a candle and it felt so incredibly good i got addicted to it. that year i covered my left arm with increasingly large burns and when the relief was less and less i went for my face instead.

i miss talking with someone about these things. someone that understands, i mean. doctors don't.
whenever i look in a mirror i want to give in to that demon and finish what i started.

these things won't leave me be but i like painting about it.

thanks for reading this

 

[Soulless Angel]

hello.

it takes some effort to write my first post here but i can't sleep anymore if meds don't kick in and the urge to harm is getting a bit overwhelming these nights, so i might as well give it a shot.

i first started cutting with 14ish; had burnout with 17 and started putting out cigarettes on my hand. stopped for about a decade, with some exceptions, but when i started trauma-therapy a few years ago it all came crashing down hard.
back then i cut myself with a blade i heated on a candle and it felt so incredibly good i got addicted to it. that year i covered my left arm with increasingly large burns and when the relief was less and less i went for my face instead.

i miss talking with someone about these things. someone that understands, i mean. doctors don't.
whenever i look in a mirror i want to give in to that demon and finish what i started.

these things won't leave me be but i like painting about it.

thanks for reading this

No judgement in this place, just understanding and empathy, docs suck balls anyway
I am sorry to read you are in this place though, its one of the worst to be,

 

[Myl]

Been a while since I cut myself last, probably around 2 months ago.

I have always off and on been cutting myself since I was 17, nothing too bad at the start I didn't even cut into fat or fascia until I was 19.
I remember when I cut myself just in a side street impulsively with glass and like 30 people walked by me before someone stopped and called the police lmao.
I have been dragged to hospital for it so many times and even warded a few times when I shouldn't have been just for cutting myself whilst denying any suicide ideation.
In total I have had around 400 stitches.

There's a lot of huge scars all over my thighs and arms.
I wish I had more deeper scars, my body isn't ruined enough.
I wish I could cut again but I don't have the energy and only one old blade and I don't want to go outside ever again.

 

[Acopia]

Hey guys,
Can someone please help me? I used to be part of a SH forum online - I think it's the only one to exist.. but I've been off for a few months and I can't for the life of me remember what the site was called
Can someone please DM me the site's name I'd be forever grateful!
Peace,
-A

 

[t0rmented]

I started cutting when I was 13, at first as a distraction. But I slowly became addicted to it. I convinced myself that this was how I should be punished.
At first I used crappy kitchen knives but they were very dull and didn't do much. I moved on to pulling apart the little razor blades in cartridge razors and using those, until I decided to steal boxcutters and utility blades from then on.
I've been sent to a ward a few times for it. 'friends' and 'family' would say my arms look ugly. though I don't really care anymore.
I want to leave this world peacefully and end my pain.

 

[Mistake of Nature]

I'm in a million pieces. I'm all apart. Please help me die. I'm drunk and crying. Why couldnt I have a good life?

Spoiler: TW: Fresh burns and cuts along with some scars

Spoiler: cut in progress

Should I keep going? I hate this. I need help.

Spoiler: finished cut

I'm done now. I hate myself.

 

[ambivalent.]

I started self-harming at 12. I learned about it in the psych unit, after a suicide attempt. The first time I got stitches, 120, I was 16. I ended up in residential care for 5 months or so. Over the past twenty years, my mental health has fluctuated. When I feel worse, cutting has been one of the ways I have coped. I cut because my emotions feel too big for my body and spirit- like I might explode or die. It is a release, like an automatic shut down of a malfunctioning computer. It also diverts me from suicide and enables me to physically show what I am experiencing internally. I'm ritualistic in my method. Historically, I cut quickly, bandaged myself, and then headed to the ED to get repaired. Right now, that process takes a whole day, which is a significant deterrent- a good thing for me. I don't *want* to cut. I just want to feel better….

I'm in a million pieces. I'm all apart. Please help me die. I'm drunk and crying. Why couldnt I have a good life?

Spoiler: TW: Fresh burns and cuts along with some scars

View attachment 87476View attachment 87475

Spoiler: cut in progress

View attachment 87477Should I keep going? I hate this. I need help.

Spoiler: finished cut

View attachment 87485I'm done now. I hate myself.

Hey. You are in so much pain. I hope you got some help tending to those injuries, and have someone or some way to be comforted. You are worthy of compassion.

I started cutting when I was 13, at first as a distraction. But I slowly became addicted to it. I convinced myself that this was how I should be punished.
At first I used crappy kitchen knives but they were very dull and didn't do much. I moved on to pulling apart the little razor blades in cartridge razors and using those, until I decided to steal boxcutters and utility blades from then on.
I've been sent to a ward a few times for it. 'friends' and 'family' would say my arms look ugly. though I don't really care anymore.
I want to leave this world peacefully and end my pain.

I use broken up shaving razors too, and have also been admitted for my injuries a couple of times. I have a gorgeous tattoo covering up the scars on my arms now. Legs are a different story. Sending care your way.

 

[sadstuffie]

today i noticed that my scars are healing really well & this probs sounds crazy, but i am so upset about it. i really wanna make them worse, thinking about starting again. im disgusting im sorry idk what's wrong with me.

 

[Soulless Angel]

today i noticed that my scars are healing really well & this probs sounds crazy, but i am so upset about it. i really wanna make them worse, thinking about starting again. im disgusting im sorry idk what's wrong with me.

You are not disgusting, you are healing, I have day's I look at my scars and I wish I could tear them open, but then I realise its a mark of moving forward, Stay strong, how long since you last sh?

 

[clown_17]

Spoiler: Sh picture tw

been a very shitty day

 

[symphony]

I first self-harmed by scratching myself shortly after I fell into my most recent depressive episode a few years ago. I quickly turned to regular cutting. I fell out the habit for several months because I went to residential, but I've relapsed recently, and I've been cutting more than I was the first time around. On the plus side, I guess it's worth something that I'm also using better first-aid and sanitation practices now.

But really, sh is the only coping mechanism I have that's guaranteed to work, and work well. Sometimes I cut when the suicidal thoughts get too strong and I'm worried I can't make it any other way. Sure, I may want to leave this world eventually, but I'm not ready yet, and cutting meets that need for me.

The shittiest part is, I was brave enough to talk about it in therapy recently, and even though I'm a legal adult and everything, the therapist told me she "needed" to break my trust and tell my parents...

 

[notaboutangels]

Tried cutting at 10 but it didn't work, tried and did cat scratches at 11. I have my worst cuts from age 13 that quote on quote look like a tiger scratched me instead of a cat on my thigh. I was also told I should have gotten stitches for them. Usually just cat scratches except for one on my upper arm I think I also shouldn't gotten stitches for. I also hit and scratch myself. I used to starve myself as punishment when my eating disorder was worse.

 

[wutever]

I've always enjoyed watching cuts heal, as if my emotional pain was healing along side the physical injury.

One time I stabbed myself in the leg with scissors though, not expecting it to actually penetrate my skin. I let go of them in shock that I had done that. They stuck in my leg. I was drunk with my best friend.(early pandemic, had just found out my daughters father cheated on me while I was pregnant.)
We were both horrified at the time, and I felt so guilty, but we laugh about my initial reaction "HOLY FUCK ITS STUCK." now. We both have really dark humor. Self harm is very serious though. I'm not making light.

 

[wutever]

Okay, so an hour after posting I feel like I need to further clairify, as this is a serious thread.

It was on impulse, and I felt terrible for exposing her to that. She of course was like WHAT THE FUCK, but the next morning we rehashed it and we laughed over myself being dumbfounded by the immediate consequence of the action.

I wasn't meaning to make SH a joke or anything, but you guys can 100% giggle at me. I love you all. Finding humor in the dark spots keeps me here for now.

 

[aludnelac]

have a lot of scars all over my legs now, they're starting to gravitate to other places at this point; i used to cut my wrists as a teenager, and i think in general i've been self-harming since i was 12 or 13.. sometimes it's hard to fight, because things from inside my head push me there, but other times it just feels like the only thing i have left that i can decide and do on my own.. but when you cut them too deep, you start limping around and feel like a wounded creature, while you tend to your wounds.. it's kind of a comforting feeling, but takes unnecessary energy out of those that have little to spare in the first place.. i think the effort of it has lost some of its appeal as doing increasingly basic things becomes more difficult for me

i guess i also have been often palming and hitting my head pretty hard to the point that i get headaches and become lightheaded the next day, but this really only happens when i'm losing touch with reality and trying to fight that.

 

[Oneiron]

How do you guys deal with the resulting scars? I am going to lose my job because of the scars, as it is absolutely inappropriate for the team as well as for customers to work with me. I feel that i am permanently marked with a sign that leads people think i'm a psychopath

 

[icetea15]

That's my last self-harm. I'm doing it actually very professional and everything is sterile. I staple the wound when necessary and take care of it every day.
I just saw this thread, damn why didn't I discover it earlier! My both legs are full of scars and on the left on is "SUIZID" written in scars. Besides that my left arm is full of letters of my name and and some cute tattoos like "I'm fine" and the typical ";". It's interesting seeing how far some people go, I thought I was overdoing it.

 

[Treeline589]

I used to self harm all the time and have many scars. I stopped for about 3 years. Just found out my therapist is terminating me- back to the self harm I go

 

[Hyd999]

Wanted to die and i saw mace at my local store so i purchased it. Figured id use it if i have a stronger urge to die instead of actually killing myself. Few days later maced myself in the face.

It was a distraction.

 

[sealbabies]

It seems so silly and pointless now (just as far as me and the way I think). Just irritation, and some shame I've been going in circles for over 15 years.
Everyone in my life looks down on me for them ofc.

 

[bloodfallsfirst]

I'm too tired to drag myself to buy Exacto knife blades, but I had some fun with a shaving razor a couple days ago. Pity that I actually do need to shave my hairy body, or I could try again. Exacto blades hurt less and go deeper; I have to twist the shaving razor to get any real blood.

 

[symphony]

I read someone else talking about carving words. Once a few years ago I cut the word "WORTHLESS" onto my upper thigh. For better or for worse, the cuts were pretty shallow, much less deep than I normally cut, and you can't make it out anymore.

 

[plough22]

I use to cut my arm, scratch my side temple creating blood, hit my head against a wall, slap myself, all because I couldn't handle my emotional, what was thrown at me, I couldn't believe it and still don't but I don't SH, I still have the feeling a too but I ride that wave. Sometimes in future I may relapse, even I might get totally push and CTB and find peace

 

[myopybyproxy]

Wanted to die and i saw mace at my local store so i purchased it. Figured id use it if i have a stronger urge to die instead of actually killing myself. Few days later maced myself in the face.

It was a distraction.

Were your eyes all right? Did you have them open when you maced yourself?

I sometimes get the urge to spray liquid air in my face - would lead to blindness and permanent disfigurement. The garden variety self harm urges I can handle. But that one scared me. Good thing I don't have any liquid air around.

Love intrusive thoughts about stabbing my eyes out. It plays on my worst fear - to become disabled or lose any functionality (cognitive, mobility, senses, etc).

 

[Hyd999]

The fist time i did it they were closed. The second time i wanted to feel alot of pain so i did it with eyes open.

Eyes are fine. No damage other then burning. Running water over my face barley did anything, i got a bit of relief from sitting infront of a fan tho.

I would never do it with liquid air cus that will not kill you but will cause you alot of perminant damage and alot more suffering. Unlike the mace which suffering is gone after an hour at most

 

[Heartaches]

(TW for grooming)

I began self-harming at age 14 I think, I learned about it through the internet and had a classmate who would openly talk to me about self-harming for fun, almost in a flaunting way.

I decided to do it because I'd get extremely distressed with school, family life, friendships and had a very poor opinion of myself, especially with my body. I've had anger issues since I was young and I rarely confront anyone cause I don't like causing problems, so if I got extremely angry at someone or something I'd direct it to myself. On top of my poor self-image and anger issues, I was groomed by many men online from age 12/13 till I was almost 18, they made me take the blame for everything and as a way to internalize my trauma, I recurred to self-harming. There's more stuff that has gone in my life but those are the basics.

Cutting was the first thing I did but since then I've tried other things such as smoking, self-induced vomiting, hitting myself, breaking things, cutting my hair and one time, while I was having a mental breakdown, I ate some hand sanitizer. I used to myself on the wrists/forearm but since it's so noticeable nowadays I do it on my legs, they're easier to hide from classmates, school faculty and family. This year I started to make myself vomit, but I don't like doing it as often as I'd like to because it causes me great pain in my ears, so I just do it from time to time. I used to smoke in my house cause I was lazy to go outside but everyone in my family noticed the smell and would constantly shame me for doing it, so I've stopped; I've tried to put a cigar or lighter onto my skin but haven't been able to due to instinct.

Haven't cut in 4 weeks but lately I've been feeling awful and very anxious to go back to school, so I wanna try and cut myself a little. My cuts are baby-like/surface level and it makes me angry they aren't as deep, I want to try to make them deeper but I doubt they can be as deep as what others have shown, I'm very sensitive and I don't have any knowledge on how to sew and clean cuts, so I'd rather not screw with it. I don't use anything fancy, just cutter and school scissors.​

 

[Krieger]

I used to punch myself, cut myself, and burn myself with dry ice. One time I cut a chunk off my arm in class.

 

[StrangePossum]

I started cutting myself at age 14, did it for a few months, but then stopped. It was a way to cope at the time, but gradually I stopped because I didn't want anyone to find out, it felt too risky. Only one person ever noticed, a friend saw the cuts on my arm and asked me what happened. I just said that "I fell" and left it at that. I've done it a few times over the years since then, but never regularly. It just never seemed to work as well as before.

I've been thinking of starting again though, mainly because I feel worse than I have in years and need some sort of outlet. Often it feels like the pain in my mind wants to escape somehow, and I guess self harm might be a way to do that? I'm worried about scars, but I never went very deep before so hopefully I won't need to this time. I used to have very faint scars but they've all faded by now. I see it as kind of a harm reduction thing -- at least it's better than killing myself, right? I think I will mainly stick to my legs this time. I'm sad that I can't cut my arms, because that was always the most satisfying place to cut, but I think it's too risky for now, since summer is coming soon.