VileMagnolia
I want to know what God knows - Ethel Cain
- Jan 5, 2026
- 9
Few nights ago, I relapsed on cutting after 4 months clean. Not only that, I self harmed so badly this time that I reached fascia (I've never even hit fat until this). It was scary, I had to get stitches, and it was certainly embarrassing to have to visit my ER again.
I keep going back and forth. Sometimes, I feel a desire to keep going and crawl out of my self pity, and other times I just feel fundamentally incompatible with life itself. My feelings are a mixture of dissatisfaction with the world, and also dissatisfaction with how I function in the world. I can't act normal or reasonable, I can only react rashly. Too often I respond to people with either suffocating amounts of love or irrational cruelty and disdain.
I have an intense obsession with angst and emotion. I wallow in it. I don't think I can be helped. I can only help myself and I don't want to. I no longer want to continue being such a complicated liability. I tend to be too much for everyone around me. Catching the bus seems most merciful for myself and everyone else. Rash decisions remain off the table for now. But my ideation remains.
I keep going back and forth. Sometimes, I feel a desire to keep going and crawl out of my self pity, and other times I just feel fundamentally incompatible with life itself. My feelings are a mixture of dissatisfaction with the world, and also dissatisfaction with how I function in the world. I can't act normal or reasonable, I can only react rashly. Too often I respond to people with either suffocating amounts of love or irrational cruelty and disdain.
I have an intense obsession with angst and emotion. I wallow in it. I don't think I can be helped. I can only help myself and I don't want to. I no longer want to continue being such a complicated liability. I tend to be too much for everyone around me. Catching the bus seems most merciful for myself and everyone else. Rash decisions remain off the table for now. But my ideation remains.
