Self harm myself and hate myself but still love to live

[OnnanokoNiNaritai]

So i know that this post is nothing compared to what is ussualy seen and posted here but i think this is the best place where i can share this kind of toughts and emotions.
Recently i have had some problems whit my now ex boyfriend and it was some reaally dark times and i still cant belive in what he did. After this happening i got really demoralized and demotivated to do many of the things i used to enjoy in life, but now, even tough stuff about him still happens and even worse things have hit me trough the corse of my life i feel happier than ever. I feel super happy but extreamly unstable because i love living life and at the same time i cut myself, in a moment im super happy and in the other i go downwards as quick as i come upwards, having existencial crisis and SH episodes that can get really extreme.

Im saying all this to tell you that even though terrible shit is happening to me, for some reason im the happiest i have ever been, im also having trouble whit tons of friendships and im in one of the lower states of my life together whit the recent death of one of my friends but i still feel.... Happy?
Its also really weird to describe that i feel happy but i also feel sad at the same time. I feel so positive and always try to help everyone arround me but suddenly things hit me and i start crying and cutting myself.

I feel like i dont have the right to be sad at all cuz of this things because there are people out there dying in wars, starving to death or even going trough so much that dying feels like their only option, meanwhile im here, whitout the need to think if i will have something to eat tomorrow, if i will have a place to stay when i come back home or if i will wake up the next day and have my rights of being who i wish taken away, yet i still cut myself and feel sad sometimes.

Is it normal to feel this way or am i being afected by my own dysphoria into thinking what im going trough is not that serious?

Anyways take care everyone and have an amazing day, if u need help or have a similar problem u can talk to me and i will do my best to help.

 

[SuicIdiot]

I relate to this a lot. Like, an insane amount.

I've spent a lot of my life using suicide and self harm as somewhat of a safety. Dealing with lots of abandonment and feeling like a burden. I felt like my fixation on dying was a constant… and it was stuff I could control. (Usually, every now and then it would get out of control and I'd end up in the psych ward.)

But as the years have gone by, some therapy has actually helped. And good things are happening. And I think part of it is terrifying and subconsciously I'm self sabotaging by going to that peaceful space of suicidal ideation.

I'm realllllly good at faking it. Sometimes to the point where I start to believe it too. But my mood is highly dependent on my surroundings, and the cycles are steep. It's hard to explain. When there's these intense thoughts of self harm but also so many good things.

Idk if that's what you mean or if that helps much. But your post makes me feel less alone. So thank you for that.

 

[OnnanokoNiNaritai]

Thank you, thats really cute and yes it is what i meant. I hope u keep going and manage to solve your life properly.
It makes me feel so so so good that it made u feel better.
If u feel lonely i can give u my discord, insta or number :)
Take care, stay strong and keep going, cuz the only way to happiness is foward