Leonard_Bangley39
I am a rock. I am an island
- Nov 6, 2025
- 323
I have an idea of what's wrong with me and i want to get better and become normal but i don't know how. I can't get therapy because i don't have any health insurance and cant qualify for financial assistance for sessions. While i think maybe therapy could help, my last experience with therapy didnt achieve much, and i dont have many savings right now and dont think adding more financial strain to myself would make me feel better.
Ive been taking Zoloft (Sertraline) for over 2 weeks now and dont feel any benefits, just drowsy. i still get depressive and suicidal thoughts regularly. I would go see more doctors to try and get prescribed different medications but like i said earlier, no insurance. i also don't have a primary care doctor or clinic because i only moved here about half a year ago and didn't have insurance. i wasn't happy when i found i had to pay $125 just to check in for my appointment.
From general introspection and talking with friends online and on here, my biggest issues are my self image. I just hate myself. im always envious and at the same time feel like i don't deserve to be happy or have nice things. When i see couples being happy together in media, irl, or in friend groups, i get an intense lonely feeling. i feel envious, i want to find love and a genuine relationship so bad but i don't know where to even begin. on top of it all, no matter what i do, i feel like I'm always not deserving of a relationship because my life isn't in order enough or I'm not emotionally mature enough to have another person in my life.
ill make excuses in my head like "i need my own place with no roommates." "i need a better paying job, girls don't want to date a broke guy." "i need to get my license and get a car, girls don't wanna date a guy who can't drive." it feels like I'll never be stable enough to find love. and on top of all that, i can't help but blame myself for everything. whenever anything at all happens, no matter how small, it feels like the world itself is going to fall apart. my landlord got on me cause i got ants in my bathroom cause i wasn't cleaning it often and there was lots of hair and dust everywhere.
Thinking rationally, it's not a big deal. i just need to set up ant traps and clean my room more often and it's all fixed. no problem. but in the moment, i just feel like a big piece of shit. anytime i make any mistake, i never forgive myself for it. no matter what. i feel guilty, i feel pathetic, i feel like a failure, i feel like a horrible person, i feel like a piece of shit. every single mistake is a failure that reflects on me. it's my fault. it's something that i should've known and done differently.
im terrible at socializing too. growing up, anytime i went out with friends or family, or went to any gathering or event, i would have fun and enjoy myself. but then afterwards i would learn that everyone thought i was being really rude or offensive or annoying, when in the moment i never felt i was being that way nor did i ever mean it. over and over, to the point where it feels like every single extended interaction i have is an opportunity for people to get offended and hate me, i feel like i never know what to do it say because I'm constantly scared that the totally innocuous thing im thinking of doing will end up blowing up into a massive problem.
even in just small interactions, like speaking to the cashier at a store or giving a stranger directions after they asked feel awkward. i wanted to say that im not super socially anxious and that i can ask the cashier for extra ketchup packets perfectly fine, but thinking about it some more i find that i actually do stuff like that all the time. like just sitting in a waiting room for an hour twiddling my thumbs because i don't want to go up and ask the receptionist when my appointment is or where i should go. if it's stuff i know, i can do it just fine. but new stuff that i don't really know how it works i always hesitate and just idle around.
i hate small talk too, especially when I'm out in public and a stranger just really feels chatting up a storm. almost every conversation just feels like a chore that i have to sit through, especially the small talk like i just mentioned. i don't want to be rude by telling them i don't wanna talk so i just sit there and "uh huh" a million times. and my responses always feel awkward too. i don't stutter much, but ill jumble my words and it'll feel awkward. also half the time i just can't hear for shit and it's like a guessing game of figuring out what the person even said.
i constantly feel like I'm a bad person. like I'm evil, or emotionally immature, or rude. all it takes is the slightest (for lack of a better word) trigger to spark a depressive and self loathing episode lasting potentially the entire day. im watching a YouTube video and one of the people in it starts talking about their love life like dating in highschool? i then feel like shit because all i can think about afterwards is how i never had any romantic relationships in highschool and feel like i never will. im listening to a podcast where they read a story about a cringy, horny teenager and they talk about the kid just thinking with his dick and not actually caring about the girl he's crushing on? i then feel like shit because it reminds me of times i acted like a dumb horny teenager and i constantly feel like i never grew up and i accuse myself of still being like that and it makes me feel like an awful person and makes me hate myself more. my sister talks about experiences she had hanging out with friends during college? i then feel like shit because i never had any long lasting friendships that extended outside just work or school, and i also never got to experience the "young college life" and it makes me feel like i missed out on a huge part of my life that I'll never have another chance to experience and that makes me feel pathetic and like a failure and worthless which makes me hate myself more and more.
it's always one of two things. it's either a mistake i made or am scared i might make that makes me feel like an evil person, or an experience i never had or am failing to achieve that makes me feel like a pathetic failure and less of a person. both of which making me hate myself constantly.
i try to distract myself but no matter what i do, once that train of thought starts it cant be stopped. everything else just becomes background noise and the thoughts dominate my entire mind. music, podcasts, YouTube, tv, manga, nothing can distract me because i either can't focus enough on that specific thing to forget or it has things that cause me to think of it more.
i really want to get better, but i just don't know how. like i said, therapy could possibly work if i found the right therapist and stayed going for long enough, but therapy is expensive and I'm broke with no insurance. medications might help, but the one I'm currently taking so far isn't doing anything and getting a doctor's appointment to get different prescriptions is difficult. people always just tell me that i need to stop comparing myself to others and just let myself be happy, but i already know that. i don't know how to stop it. i cant just be like "oh yeah, i shouldn't do that." and just turn it off easily as flipping a switch from on to off. everything over the course of my entire life has been engrained into my brain, into the way my mind works. its like trying to dam a river with playdough
what should, or can i do?
Ive been taking Zoloft (Sertraline) for over 2 weeks now and dont feel any benefits, just drowsy. i still get depressive and suicidal thoughts regularly. I would go see more doctors to try and get prescribed different medications but like i said earlier, no insurance. i also don't have a primary care doctor or clinic because i only moved here about half a year ago and didn't have insurance. i wasn't happy when i found i had to pay $125 just to check in for my appointment.
From general introspection and talking with friends online and on here, my biggest issues are my self image. I just hate myself. im always envious and at the same time feel like i don't deserve to be happy or have nice things. When i see couples being happy together in media, irl, or in friend groups, i get an intense lonely feeling. i feel envious, i want to find love and a genuine relationship so bad but i don't know where to even begin. on top of it all, no matter what i do, i feel like I'm always not deserving of a relationship because my life isn't in order enough or I'm not emotionally mature enough to have another person in my life.
ill make excuses in my head like "i need my own place with no roommates." "i need a better paying job, girls don't want to date a broke guy." "i need to get my license and get a car, girls don't wanna date a guy who can't drive." it feels like I'll never be stable enough to find love. and on top of all that, i can't help but blame myself for everything. whenever anything at all happens, no matter how small, it feels like the world itself is going to fall apart. my landlord got on me cause i got ants in my bathroom cause i wasn't cleaning it often and there was lots of hair and dust everywhere.
Thinking rationally, it's not a big deal. i just need to set up ant traps and clean my room more often and it's all fixed. no problem. but in the moment, i just feel like a big piece of shit. anytime i make any mistake, i never forgive myself for it. no matter what. i feel guilty, i feel pathetic, i feel like a failure, i feel like a horrible person, i feel like a piece of shit. every single mistake is a failure that reflects on me. it's my fault. it's something that i should've known and done differently.
im terrible at socializing too. growing up, anytime i went out with friends or family, or went to any gathering or event, i would have fun and enjoy myself. but then afterwards i would learn that everyone thought i was being really rude or offensive or annoying, when in the moment i never felt i was being that way nor did i ever mean it. over and over, to the point where it feels like every single extended interaction i have is an opportunity for people to get offended and hate me, i feel like i never know what to do it say because I'm constantly scared that the totally innocuous thing im thinking of doing will end up blowing up into a massive problem.
even in just small interactions, like speaking to the cashier at a store or giving a stranger directions after they asked feel awkward. i wanted to say that im not super socially anxious and that i can ask the cashier for extra ketchup packets perfectly fine, but thinking about it some more i find that i actually do stuff like that all the time. like just sitting in a waiting room for an hour twiddling my thumbs because i don't want to go up and ask the receptionist when my appointment is or where i should go. if it's stuff i know, i can do it just fine. but new stuff that i don't really know how it works i always hesitate and just idle around.
i hate small talk too, especially when I'm out in public and a stranger just really feels chatting up a storm. almost every conversation just feels like a chore that i have to sit through, especially the small talk like i just mentioned. i don't want to be rude by telling them i don't wanna talk so i just sit there and "uh huh" a million times. and my responses always feel awkward too. i don't stutter much, but ill jumble my words and it'll feel awkward. also half the time i just can't hear for shit and it's like a guessing game of figuring out what the person even said.
i constantly feel like I'm a bad person. like I'm evil, or emotionally immature, or rude. all it takes is the slightest (for lack of a better word) trigger to spark a depressive and self loathing episode lasting potentially the entire day. im watching a YouTube video and one of the people in it starts talking about their love life like dating in highschool? i then feel like shit because all i can think about afterwards is how i never had any romantic relationships in highschool and feel like i never will. im listening to a podcast where they read a story about a cringy, horny teenager and they talk about the kid just thinking with his dick and not actually caring about the girl he's crushing on? i then feel like shit because it reminds me of times i acted like a dumb horny teenager and i constantly feel like i never grew up and i accuse myself of still being like that and it makes me feel like an awful person and makes me hate myself more. my sister talks about experiences she had hanging out with friends during college? i then feel like shit because i never had any long lasting friendships that extended outside just work or school, and i also never got to experience the "young college life" and it makes me feel like i missed out on a huge part of my life that I'll never have another chance to experience and that makes me feel pathetic and like a failure and worthless which makes me hate myself more and more.
it's always one of two things. it's either a mistake i made or am scared i might make that makes me feel like an evil person, or an experience i never had or am failing to achieve that makes me feel like a pathetic failure and less of a person. both of which making me hate myself constantly.
i try to distract myself but no matter what i do, once that train of thought starts it cant be stopped. everything else just becomes background noise and the thoughts dominate my entire mind. music, podcasts, YouTube, tv, manga, nothing can distract me because i either can't focus enough on that specific thing to forget or it has things that cause me to think of it more.
i really want to get better, but i just don't know how. like i said, therapy could possibly work if i found the right therapist and stayed going for long enough, but therapy is expensive and I'm broke with no insurance. medications might help, but the one I'm currently taking so far isn't doing anything and getting a doctor's appointment to get different prescriptions is difficult. people always just tell me that i need to stop comparing myself to others and just let myself be happy, but i already know that. i don't know how to stop it. i cant just be like "oh yeah, i shouldn't do that." and just turn it off easily as flipping a switch from on to off. everything over the course of my entire life has been engrained into my brain, into the way my mind works. its like trying to dam a river with playdough
what should, or can i do?
