Seeking Advice

[eternalbliss22]

I'm really not good at expressing myself. I find myself imploding, following a repeating pattern. Only difference this time is I'm finally have things heading into the right direction. Breaking free of external hostilities, having people put faith in me giving me chance. I've been completely broken a few years ago & dealt with external hostilities. By that I mean harassment, bullying, forced to quit or self destruct fired, or just booted by a liar. So focused on dying. I got hit by a tornado, which should've sent over the edge, literally. I think since work was going the way it was & a peace offering from a neighbor, although I'm struggling with his continued gaslight. I've been using losing my house that is draining my soul as a rallying of will to putting my life right. Couple of months later I guess the honeymoon is over. With some things going right is also bringing out some anger & frustration that's bottled up. I'm so used to the downward spiral from being beaten down I'm naturally drifting that way. My question is how do you release all that anger, frustration when you'll never be able to properly address it? I've had so much wrong done to me. I've also lashed out & done wrong. I will forever be punished while nothing will ever be done about people that wronged me. I know I shouldn't focus on that but how can I not? I decided to start taking a longer route to & from work to avoid a trigger. I will keep falling into the same old pattern if I can't break the cycle.

 

[eternalbliss22]

I've voiced my distain for the christian faith. There's one christian concept I wish to explore & that's forgiveness. To truly be free of anger you can't have resentment. You can get so wrapped up in what you've feel wronged by. So easy to lump a group over what a few have done. You lose track over what you've gained. What others have...I'm not sure how to word it. I guess mindset is where I'm going.

 

[eternalbliss22]

I know I will always fail, falter, let down those who put faith in me. As long as i hold on to resentment, I will never succeed, never improve at work or in life. I had an eye opener for me today. I knew I had resentment towards certain people in my life, but didn't realize how much emotions it brought out. I believe in not judging a group by what a few had done. I'm a hypocrite, cause I've been doing that with the christian religion. I've had a few overbearing & obnoxious zealots ones harassing me & more. I definitely have loads of resentment to relatives, but good reasons for that.

 

[eternalbliss22]

I really want to move past this last decade, whole life really. Lose all resentment, find my place in this world. Sad fact is, I don't even know who I am. Been trying to fake it till I make it, but I can't shake the feeling that someone or some people are pulling strings. Fishing for information by having people prod me with questions. I've been trying to ignore it, trying to act as if it would just go away. New guy starts at work, nice guy, very likable. He's connected to much of my past, jobs, communities. At first I tried behaving the way I'm expected to. Resentment starts making say things that I hoped upset the powers that be. One of my biggest flaws is wanting to buck back against those who try imposing their will on me. Yesterday it brought out some strong emotions that I mentioned previously. Today however, the guy made references to something that he shouldn't be privy to. It just points towards what I feared. I've been in complete turmoil finally achieving peace at work only for it all to be a ploy to make feel comfortable, let my guard down, fall into a trap to be fired with everything being on me. I do believe several people there are be genuine. It just after all the bull shit, it's what I've come to expect. It's hard to shake. After the comment, which happens to be one of my ctb plans, I know I will always be targeted. Again it all comes back to death. There's a wrecked car on the interstate shoulder. Today I aimed for it only to pull away at the last second. I can't keep on living by trying to find the exit door. I can't keep on living while having a target on my back. I can't keep on living. Those on this site that says how easy it to partially hang are full of shit. It can feel like getting punched in the throat, nothing like trying to gasp for air while hanging. I've been all up & down the roller coaster & I'm wanting off. It feels like there's a conspiracy to imprison me in this area so my tormentors can have their fun. Till death does release me

 

[Dot]

Am afrd tht d/ nt hve n.e advce t/ gve othr thn findng a decnt therpst t/ hlp procss sme of tht angr

Methds lke journlng or evn findng a wll-discplnd martl art mght hlp

Othrwse jst wantd 2 lt u knw tht ur psts r nt b-ing ignord

 

[eternalbliss22]

Am afrd tht d/ nt hve n.e advce t/ gve othr thn findng a decnt therpst t/ hlp procss sme of tht angr

Methds lke journlng or evn findng a wll-discplnd martl art mght hlp

Othrwse jst wantd 2 lt u knw tht ur psts r nt b-ing ignord

TY, I never thought about it or cared if anyone saw it. For some reason you made me cry.
All the crap I'm dealing with & i find myself stuck on a work thing. I don't know if I'm being tested or do I need to speak up. It honestly looks like some bad acting. Thinking it's a test is really upsetting to me. After all the bull shit games played on me I really don't want anything to do with another. No matter the reason. I'm given a job I didn't ask for or was consulted about beforehand. That doesn't bother me, it's something I've got experience with & can excel while returning to my old(younger) self. Also, I like to be the go to guy, whatever needed. I'm trying to walk the tight rope, trying to balance between what I can do & what's expected, but I'm really not comfortable right now having to make that decision. I'm failing at fighting my battles. How can be expected or even be in the right fighting someone else's. On top of it feeling made up?

 

[eternalbliss22]

I just need to face reality. Holding onto resentment has cost me everything once again. I must relocate far away from this state. Relocating is no insurance or sure fix. New scenery, no constant reminders. Either way i know I have no place here. There will always be someone doing something or me looking so hard to see what going to go that I make it. It's just how my luck goes, as I'm reaching the turning point I need I have to start all over with myself only to blame. I've failed

 

[eternalbliss22]

People have made their feelings known to me. It only confirms i have no place in this world. I only have two choices relocate or death. Honestly, death is the least frightening one, the final solution that it always come back to. I don't know which I'll wind up with but either is preferable than where I'm at. M fear of of death route is I'm afraid that I matter so little that my cats will starve before someone finds the body. Being eaten is comforting, cycle of life. Hopefully this is my final goodbye till death does release me.

 

[eternalbliss22]

I guess it's a short goodbye. I've been contemplating death vs relocation. Then I started & still reading an article on forgiveness. I've always had an issue with it. Why should I forgive someone who wronged me? Why can't they earn it? The author talks about forgiveness isn't about them, it's you, letting go of the resentment. I get that now. I think I can to some. For example, I made a bad decision 8 years ago & there was an interesting take on an intervention that I'm still struggling with the after effects. Not only the psychological damage they did but in the long run ineffective since I was allowed to quit. True change requires a voluntary decision & when you know your being forced. I don't want to compare it to a person being physically rated, but it's mental raping. Second time, same result but less threatening more humiliation, more mental raping. Third times the charm. This time I know you know so there's the big rebellious fuck you everyone. Try something & o fight back. Yeah, real healthy behavior. At the time i could justify it al, but now looking back i know that even though I succeeded in what I wanted to i ultimately failed. I'm confident I'm done with that chapter since I was allowed to quit. It's amazing how your views, your takes on things change once your given a chance. If your not quick enough changing then the failure is so much more devastating. The big question on resentment is how to process while ongoing. Hypothetically speaking you're being accused of seeing conspiracies & being paranoid by people, aka the mob, creating scenarios, with bad acting & repeating lines, constantly fishing for information, judging you on your response, having staged scenes where they're poking fun while they're pulling the shit themselves. This is some of the hypocrisy of humanity. We all have it in us. I should be mad & trashing them. I can't blame them, I wouldn't want me around either.

 

[eternalbliss22]

I received a text message the other day that is harassment tied to a past mistake. I blocked it, but there will always be more. In the process of changing numbers partly for that reason & cutting some final ties. For me that's some months long process since that number is tied to so much. There's some things I'm coping with, but this is jut a reminder that it only ends with my death. It's difficult to envision a future when you can't leave the past. Relocation is no solution when it follows so easily.

 

[eternalbliss22]

I just need to take what I've learned to build upon. Most importantly I need to shut myself off. That's where I get into trouble is by trying to participate in society. Disassociate myself from everyone and all emotions.

 

[eternalbliss22]

It always comes back to death. No matter what I do, harassment or games will always follow. Society has made it known I'm not wanted. Those your supposed to turn to for help will not help me. Multiple occasions the sheriff's department has turned their backs. Red cross ignored a couple of reach ours, churches only help in order to grow congregation, relatives haven't been there ever & not wanted now. I have to protect & serve myself so I believe it gives me the right to park in their spot at wally world, should be a handicap spot anyway. Why should off duty cops take up spots in front of door while physically impaired have to walk farther? Another unhealthy habit, but I'm not ready to forgive law enforcement. I can't begin to properly express their betrayal & how it's affected me. No matter what I try, it always comes back to death. Rather it be this site or a hotline, I know when the bus arrives to not think, no notifications, just get on the bus & go. Until then I'd rather not deal with another human

 

[eternalbliss22]

I wish people would just be upfront. I'm so confused about work. So much was going right, then one comment about one of my ctb plans, the one involving high speed into a pole. That was my oldest brothers first suicide attempt 2 weeks after killing another brother. I miss both of them. One comment & a harassing text message has caused me to question everything. I'm not sure if they still want me, ever wanted me or what. The way they ended the shift last Friday really sent me into turmoil, second guessing not only where I fit in but idk. It really fucked me up. I spent the weekend debating death or relocation. I don't know what they want. I'm whirling so much trying to figure it all out. What's their motive? Do they want me? I can only stay until they boot me. I know if they do boot me then I will have to give up everything & relocate. There's nothing for me here if they do. I've been working on forgiveness & I think there's some i can, but after yesterday I know it'll be a long time & will probably need help to forgive law enforcement. I plan on staying where I work until they boot me, but the uncertainty is literally killing me. Death would be so much better.

 

[eternalbliss22]

I've been disassociating myself at work, but the problem is in doing so my performance suffers. I put so much into trying to do the most i can. I will challenge myself, push myself. When I disassociate myself i lose that driving force. No matter how hard I try i can't maintain my performance without that drive. I can't afford that drive with all the uncertainty. No matter what I do I'm doomed to fail. People, most people, don't understand what the pressure of constantly being watched, under scrutiny, people just waiting for you to fail along with being the sideshow for everyone to laugh at. All this for almost a decade has taken a huge toll on me. I find myself giving up on lots of different things, important things. I haven't had running water in months cause so tired of fixing & replacing pumps. I do & don't wish I had of reproduced. I don't wish my bloodline on anyone, but I could've left everything to someone. As it stands, the county that forsaken me can deal with it. Eternal oblivion is comforting

 

[eternalbliss22]

I think I saw a predator at my workplace a couple weeks ago. I've had so many games played on me to catch a reaction that I've been afraid to say something. He's been used to try to get a reaction from multiple before. They would bring him around to show him the line I was running & he would give me flashes of anger on his face. I knew what they were up to. The 2 of us would clash a bit out of frustration. I actually liked the guy & never would of thought it. He's no longer there too, so as far as work goes he's no concern. When the E lady came & got him, he was following her. There was something about his facial expression & body language that instantly gave me the "Peter tingles". For the nongeeks, that's spider sense. I did keep an eye on them because of that. How do I know it wasn't another game to gage my reaction? If it was a game then he's an incredible actor. I don't know if it's on camera or not, so l don't want to look crazy or a troublemaker. What if I'm right though?

 

[eternalbliss22]

This one is a lesson challenge I'm exploring. Sit down, reach & calm meditative like state. Reflect, but lose all attachments, stay objective & watch a replay of past actions from a third person pov. How does that "movie" make you feel?

 

[eternalbliss22]

So much of our own behavior comes from our environment. All the turmoil i went through, the ridicule all so called in the name of love. It's tainted me. All the abuse I received from my parents, my siblings (that includes abandonment) stored in. I saw the potential in myself in my preteens to repeat the cycle when some of it got unleashed on a possible niece. It left an effect on me at an early age. I've had a few of those moments unfortunately. You regret it happening & you can't change it. You can only learn & improve. I decided early to not have kids, so the cycle ended with me. I am glad I was able to admit it to her. It's one of too many life pivoting events.

 

[eternalbliss22]

I know what I have to do. It is inevitable, the only conclusion.

 

[Redacted24]

I have faith in you. You've been through so much already, so desperately much. And you have tried, are trying, so very hard to give yourself grace. To find the strength inside.

Forgive and let go? And like AAR suggest, "right back what is wrong and move along?"

 

[eternalbliss22]

I'm realizing quite a bit. From mental abuse from my father that I didn't realize was happening. Someone asked the other day why you wouldn't leave if you're being abused. As a kid I can say because you have no choice. As an adult I have trouble understanding why you wouldn't leave or take some kind of legal action. From the mental side it's completely different. The hold it has or worse when you don't even know it's happening.
I'm also realizing that my current employer, the employer that got me my current employer, & a tornado is the best thing to happen for me. I'm realizing how hard it is to change habitual or instinctive behavior. A lesson i learned from work. I don't mean to brag but I'm also realizing that I'm bragging. I don't know have much to brag about. Don't have the looks, the body, social skills, or ambition. I do have my IQ. I'm ranked as a genius. I used to do logic problems. At 3 I was doing 500 piece puzzles by myself. 1000 piece before 5. Cooked my first egg at 18 months. I learn new tasks fast, gaining efficiency quickly. I also enjoy learning, i guess it's the success of being able to. For all that learning ability, i learned a line & was on a steady incline in efficiency. Only problem is i was working backwards. I only worked it for a week so easy fix right? I mean all I have to do is turn right & not left, simple. I struggled so hard, got so frustrated, humiliated, humbled. I overcame it, but i had to try something unusual conditioning. The problem is caused by how i operate myself. I don't know what's it's like for others. I have felt like multiple times throughout my past that my brain operates on a different wavelength, to say. Once I learn a task it goes on autopilot. A better analogy would be to use computer terminology. I have a foreground or conscience mind & the background or subconscious. I can do multiple tasks & pay attention to my surroundings within a certain distance. There will be times my subconscious will catch something that my conscience mind misses since it's being focused. The warning bells will sound, metaphorically & I'll stop & have to search or investigate what's wrong. A good example & also with current employer, I was relieving another coworker for break. When I was loading something was off after investigating he forgot a layer in a previous segment. I'm also realizing why I admire & look up to my assistant manager so much. Mostly due to two instances. On one i was doing a simple task. I was shown wrong how to do it. When she noticed, she didn't run to my supervisor & use the chain of command & she didn't get on me either. She took time out of her day for one of the peons. She showed me the correct way & explained why it had to be. I also saw how skilled & efficient she is. I respect that so much into a superior. You can be an excellent leader without being able to do the work, but if you can you're elevated in my eyes. The fact she took the time out of her day & regularly works with the night crew & took so much interest in my transition from turning left to to right & learning a new line where again I saw her skill & I can keep going. I kinda look towards her as a mentor. With my current & the employer that got me there. There's been some rough patches on both them & me, but it's all leading me to where I need to be. It does put a huge weight on me, the fear of failing them. The tornado i was relieved of a burden, given a chance for redemption. Work has given me the opportunity & guidance & support. I'm coming around but overcoming habitual & instinctive behavior. I don't know how to balance disassociating myself to work through with socializing to appease others. Or process the games. I respect upfront & respond so much better to it.