Venting sciatic's recoverylog

[sciatic214899]

15-July-2026 // entry 1

hi. i think i am an empty person. because of this emptiness, i attempted suicide a few weeks ago. i want to try being less empty.

i will write about my attempted recovery here, if that is okay with you.

today i sent a reply to a volunteer organization. i did not check my email otherwise. that is not good.

i felt well enough to chop vegetables for spaghetti. it was alright.

I took my meds, washed the dishes, brushed my teeth, showered, drank a bit of water. this is good.

i found my old tweezers and spent four hours picking my hair. that is probably not good. i am unsure

a friend called. i cried, and i laughed, and i cried.

my current obsession is a 300+ hour long playthrough of a video game. when I finish watching i will give myself permission to begin a new obsession

i have noticed myself browsing imageboards from my teenage years. it may be a form of self harm. i hope imageboards will not be the next weeks long obsession, as i want to do things that enrich my life.

i see a new therapist tomorrow; there are emails. i dislike emails. i hope i become brave enough to check them soon.

i am grateful to my friends and family for their support, and i hope tomorrow will be better. thank you for reading. have a good day

 

[sciatic214899]

16-July // entry 2



i brushed my teeth, but i forgot my medication (took it now yay) and did not check my emails. indeed, i spent eight hours browsing an imageboard i hate. regrettable.

i cried after hurting my best friend. regrettable. im also not going to speak to her again, because im deeply afraid

i think i will focus on myself from now on.

therapy intake was today, and DBT is so much more structured than any therapy I've done before. i think i will like it very much. if i can do it ...

volunteer orientation tomorrow. they left a voicemail on my phone and i was too scared to reply. i truly hate the stereotype of "afraid to ask for takeout over the phone" but it is true ... my fear of communications and portals and voicemails and emails is debilitating and pathetic. i long to overcome it to be the best sciatic metastatic layabout i can be

okay. thank you for reading. thank you to my family who pays for my therapy and my food and housing and my boyfriend who loves me very much and my friend for being here for me even though i am unkind to her and will never speak to her again. blessings + goodnight and good morning and good afternoon to all

 

[sciatic214899]

my best friend is a power-user of this site, but she'll never see this diary because she's never going to open the recovery forums plain and simple
volunteering went well today, even though i had a perfectly preventable meltdown in the morning when i realized i had forgotten to rsvp. i enjoy being in the presence of other people
it is wonderful to realize you can make conversation with strangers and you can say hello and you can ask about people's jobs and days and tattoos and schooling
people shouldn't ask about mine though that's haram
i sincerely hate emails! i sincerely hate getting out of bed i sincerely hate everything.
my father wants me to volunteer for a month then start applying for jobs at the hospital. i think that's insane considering i have been useless in bed for years. i do not think one month of volunteering will fix me
also i am supposed to leave this house in under six months. i do not want another job at this time
that is discussion for later
my therapist had asked me to come up with goals for therapy. i had not thought of any, but some for today are

- re-engage in creative and intellectual interests
- maintain in-person friendships
- stop being addicted to gacha and other evil things i cannot describe here
- get over executive dysfunction/avoidance/procrastination
- actually move lol

better goals than "stop being empty", don't you think?
anxious about something else i cannot describe here, but if it happens im sure ill describe it too
yay thank you for reading my internet diary. i am excited to get to a point where i have like 50 entries in this thing and one can compare my first entries to my last entries
or perhaps i will have relapsed by then, or abandoned this project. who knows!

 

[(UN)COMMON SENSE]

View attachment 205200
my best friend is a power-user of this site, but she'll never see this diary because she's never going to open the recovery forums plain and simple
volunteering went well today, even though i had a perfectly preventable meltdown in the morning when i realized i had forgotten to rsvp. i enjoy being in the presence of other people
it is wonderful to realize you can make conversation with strangers and you can say hello and you can ask about people's jobs and days and tattoos and schooling
people shouldn't ask about mine though that's haram
i sincerely hate emails! i sincerely hate getting out of bed i sincerely hate everything.
my father wants me to volunteer for a month then start applying for jobs at the hospital. i think that's insane considering i have been useless in bed for years. i do not think one month of volunteering will fix me
also i am supposed to leave this house in under six months. i do not want another job at this time
that is discussion for later
my therapist had asked me to come up with goals for therapy. i had not thought of any, but some for today are

- re-engage in creative and intellectual interests
- maintain in-person friendships
- stop being addicted to gacha and other evil things i cannot describe here
- get over executive dysfunction/avoidance/procrastination
- actually move lol

better goals than "stop being empty", don't you think?
anxious about something else i cannot describe here, but if it happens im sure ill describe it too
yay thank you for reading my internet diary. i am excited to get to a point where i have like 50 entries in this thing and one can compare my first entries to my last entries
or perhaps i will have relapsed by then, or abandoned this project. who knows!

Congratulation on your 3rd post, I'm rooting for you! I isolate myself so much too, it hurts seeing others out being happy when I don't feel like I belong most of the time. But like you said, the rare times nowadays I find myself around someone I know does make me feel better. And almost hopeful sometimes. I also hate emails too, I get so much anxiety and dread. I totally get how you feel there lol.
Hopefully we'll see more of your updates :)

 

[sciatic214899]

Congratulation on your 3rd post, I'm rooting for you! I isolate myself so much too, it hurts seeing others out being happy when I don't feel like I belong most of the time. But like you said, the rare times nowadays I find myself around someone I know does make me feel better. And almost hopeful sometimes. I also hate emails too, I get so much anxiety and dread. I totally get how you feel there lol.
Hopefully we'll see more of your updates :)

Thank you so much uncommon sense. I hope you do get to spend time with people you enjoy soon.


entry 4 // 7-18

my father is home from work on the weekends, so i don't leave my room (except to shower brush teeth etc). i have water, so i did take my medication. but no food unfortunately. on weekends we sleep as much as possible because we are a coward and layabout!

the thing i was terrified about ended up occurring. it was far less scary than id feared, but far less impactful than id hoped. i have nightmares about it: dead bodies in my room, dead bodies in my fridge, dead bodies underneath my bed, dead bodies who tell me it's my fault for their death when i tried to do everything i could until the end

isn't it ironic? i am a month out from my own suicide attempt, have attempted more times than i remember, but i have so much anxiety about death i find myself waking up in tears

it's no issue. tomorrow will be kinder to me, and to you all as well.

 

[sciatic214899]

entry 5



today was weekend, as such we remain in bed and do not eat
site blocking worked to prevent me from using the most dastardly and evil compulsion-sites
i can't bring myself to uninstall tiktok however
3h on tiktok, 5h on [evil app]. how unemployed of me!
more of what i was terrified about occurred. i am going to hell one day, but that day isn't today
im also speaking to my friend again. she's in the punishment dimension, as always, and nothing can be done on my end except provide support
ha

but i did take my meds.

tldr nothing happened nothing ever happens. tldr thank you for reading

 

[sciatic214899]

entry 6

not much recovering is happening in this recoverylog. i am dreading yet another volunteer orientation tomorrow

the most significant thing that's happened to me is having finished my big fucking let's play that's been keeping me sane since February. i had hoped that once I finished I could do other things with my time, like clean my room, do my laundry, exercise, art, writing, music, reading any of the books on my todo list, watching films, but no. i lay in disappointed distress for a few hours then immediately found someone else's subpar let's play. if i lived in the matrix i surely would take the blue pill

i took my meds. i lay out my volunteer clothing. i ate popcorn and sent a text to my therapist and pastor (after multiple prompts to do so orz). i flossed. i blocked my best friend (again).

my screentime was 7.5 hours youtube, 3h tiktok, 1.5h evil game that shall not be named, 14h overall. my phone is a full time job

tea L dee are: tomorrow is going to be better. if you're reading this you're now aware of your posture, and that the world is a better place with u in it. yay!

 

[sciatic214899]

entry 7

now today went well. im skipping yesterday because i was too sleepy to write after orientation
it went so well in fact that i feel quite bad posting about it on a forum called sanctioned-suicide dot com
today was orientation two!!
i feel awkward with people. i have difficulty maintaining eye contact, i make strange jokes, im never aware of any useful information (restaurants in the area. popular music. sports.) but apparently im just fine at this volunteer opportunity
i spoke to lots of people. my fellow volunteers, patients, everyone... i learned so much about them. i had fun. im starting a conversation about sunscreen for no reason other than i want to have fun. im asking this girl about her sketchbook and tryna see how she felt about the end of BNHA and [gacha app].
i wanted to say "im good with the lounge but i need more training on transport," to my trainer. but she cut me off when i said "im good" and said "yes. you're good. you're great." and i enjoyed that significantly
a girl came up to me and asked to sit with me to eat. i ate with her and picked her brain for thirty minutes. teenagers are scary, but they're people too!
she wants to be a pediatric nurse, or a pediatrician. she went to a school I dropped out of, she's using a scholarship i once failed the conditions of. we commiserated over the flaws of the scholarship office and financial aid office, and when she had to leave i wished her well
i was honest with her about my story, my age (you don't look 24, she told me. what do you think a 24 year old looks like bae)

i may be stinky and stupid and kind of evil and pathetic but i had fun today and that's ok

yahooooo thank you for reading! im like the cat in the photo running down a hallway!!!

 

[sciatic214899]

very short entry because im sleepy
entry 8.
skipped yesterday because i was sleepy then, too

therapy happened. i cried in it, and discussed my gacha app. i don't think my therapist has ever heard of [censored] but hey, now she knows. she'll also have to learn how imageboards work at one point or another

messaged best friend briefly today to wish her well. i probably have had time to speak to her, i just don't want to?
i volunteered for the first time today! it was alright. i was allowed to watch a video and listen to music, so it was overall a better use of my time than watching videos and listening to music in bed
i left my water bottle out and used the bathroom. it was stolen four minutes later. walked all over the hospital, asked janitorial services and security and lost and found. nada. my girlfriend bought the bottle for me as a recovery gift a few months ago. it was expensive, useful, and i am no longer employed
when i told her i lost it, she said she'd be happy to buy me another one. i truly don't deserve her
i am quite functional on medication for 3ish hours. afterwards, i simply want to lie in bed and sleep away the nausea. like now. i want to sleep.
haven't thought about killing or hurting myself i think in over a week. this is a bit scary. i haven't had that in over half a decade. im sure it's just because i am in a position of privilege and ease, which will probably change soon

again feel so odd speaking about a good day on the suicide forum. what if the secret was simply to not be in school or work for a while, take meds daily, do dbt, and volunteer? isn't it a little embarrassing that the depression ive attempted suicide because of four or five times could be allayed by this?

idunno....

if you're reading this, you have been reminded about your medication, water, and posture. have a good rest of your day, and thank you dearly for reading!!

 

[Redacted24]

Thank you for sharing, Sciatic!

I always look forward to seeing your updates, even though sometimes they are telling about difficult things. But, you're persevering and doing what you can, and that's terrific.

To me that's kinda inspirational. I've been adrift at sea in a leaky boat, slowly sinking, waiting for the darn thing to just give out so I can be done.

Your story, your words, make me feel encouragement that maybe if I try, even if it's hard, maybe I can reach safety again.

Really, thank you for having the courage to share your journey.

I'm sorry about your water bottle, it's really nice your friend understands and will help.

Someone in my office building lost theirs - they left it on the water fountain in the hall. And then it was gone. They posted a big sign with a photo asking for it to be returned.

And then someone else posted a sign with a meme in support. By a few days later the wall near the fountain was covered in memes! It was funny to see.

Then I guess management took them down.

And then memes started showing up saying "RIP meme wall"

I don't know if they got their bottle back. But the anonymous outpouring of support might have helped them feel a bit better.

Keep doing what you're doing. Keep pressing.
I believe in you!
R

 

[sciatic214899]

Hello Redacted! I've been thinking of your reply all day... Thank you for reading and leaving reactions on every post. I believe in you too. I know you can reach safety, and I know kindness will find you soon

Your story about the water bottle is wonderful, I appreciate you sharing it with me. Even if the bottle was never recovered, I'm sure that person's week was made by the support.


entry 9

it's the weekend, but i ate food... waow. total metastatic layabout Victory. i ate two meals, decided to wash my sheets for no reason, washed out my old nasty ugly water bottle (it is 64oz. it thumps when it hits a wall. i have stubbed my toes against it before. too big!!) and picked up my drawing tablet for the first time in a while

im very very rusty. i had an idea i wanted to paint last week, but got distracted on my phone instead of drawing a single line. today i was more persistent. we logged 30m. not the study i wanted to draw... just doodles, unfortunately. i hope to get unrusty enough to create the art id like to make soon. more pertinently i hope i don't get too excited and set my expectations so high that i begin to feel shame again

feel unusually good today! so good that im downloading a video game i used to love

haven't had the energy to actually sit up and play a game in over a year. will tell you how it goes tomorrow

when you read this, know you're loved, ok? if by no one, then you're loved by me. thank u and see u tomorrow!

 

[(UN)COMMON SENSE]

Your updates make me happy, I hope you're well.