Venting Scared to die after last attempt, still want to die

[AngelTears]

I failed an attempt around 1 or 2 months ago and it was horrifying. I miscalculated my the dose and it was the worst thing I could've done... I had heart failure and I started hallucinating, feeling like I was being punished for all the times I tried to kill myself and felt I was going to hell (grew up in a christian-ish household).

Now I'm scared of suicide but I don't want to keep on living. I lost all of the people I cared for... Silly because most of them were just very selfish, but one wasn't... It's just that being accustomed to being fucked over so much gives you a warped sense of reality. But now it truly feels like I have nothing, only a shadow of the little things I should have appreciated.

I need to die soon. I don't want to make it past December. I wish I could do it right now, I CAN do it right now. I have everything I need except the courage. I feel that of I don't go alone it'll be easier. But who am I kidding...

I'm so ruined. I wish I had died last December... It would have saved me so much heartache... so so much... or at least, I wish I hadn't made the friends I did... It hurts that I still think about them and that I would still likely forgive them for leaving... I just still don't understand...

I need to go...

I don't care what happens, I need to die. I don't want to be here anymore.

 

[lassie]

I failed an attempt around 1 or 2 months ago and it was horrifying. I miscalculated my the dose and it was the worst thing I could've done... I had heart failure and I started hallucinating, feeling like I was being punished for all the times I tried to kill myself and felt I was going to hell (grew up in a christian-ish household).

that experience sounds torturous; i'm sorry you had to suffer through it. have you regained your strength yet? i imagine it took a toll on your body.

 

[AngelTears]

that experience sounds torturous; i'm sorry you had to suffer through it. have you regained your strength yet? i imagine it took a toll on your body.

It was really bad ngl.. my heart felt like it was going to implode and my blood felt like a thick syrup. Everything feels stranger now tbh and I just feel like I'm apathetic most of the time, more than before. I hate this :/

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand just wanting to be gone, I also just wish to cease existing, all I personally hope for is to never suffer again, but anyway I hope that you find freedom from suffering.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I hope you find peace soon