nails
wait i'm goated
- Feb 12, 2023
- 516
i will keep trying until i am dead, and i WILL die lololol i have to. either tonight or tomorrow, maybe tomorrow morning, it will be over. it has to end.
thisnis embarrassing and shameful. i have failed so mant attempts recently. tbf so many are impulsive and half-assed, some were non-methods (od
). i just failekd one and i feel so shitty. i am relying on opportunity and that's random. i have never been good at anything, not even dying. it's not even the si that's stopping me anymore i'm just retarded and wake up and vomit or i break something in the process or i get caught or stopped by someone. i think i'm still at <10 actual attempts, i know many others have a lot mroe than that. i am still embarrassed. it never gets easier. maybe i did die and now i'm in hell. the build up and the action itself remain awful each time. i am extremely anxious each time, if anythjng it gets worse each time. why am i not used to it now? i still can't even breathe when i am about to do it. despite what i might have said before, i really dont want to die. i have felt so much dread befoee these attempts and i am feeling it before this one as well. i want to lvie bht it's not working. it's painful and nothign is helping. i don't want to die, especially not alone like this but i have to. i want to feel somethign other than these extrmeely negative emotions before dying but it wont change because the situation is too bad. i feel so much anger towards everything amd wveryone. i want everyone to feel like shit when i die, bht they won't. i don't think there's a single person who will be upset at all. i am forgotten so easily. all of my friends who left and are living better lives with better people, knowing how much i am suffering. why aren't they the ones suffering? i guess i fucked up but i am not sure what i even did, they just left. why do i have to be the one left all confused and isolated while they get to enjoy things? i have nothing now, they all know that. that's not fair. whenever i vented about this situation to strangers, they'd insult my old friends and call them fake or bad people. that always upset me and i always defended them, even if i was angry. i still don't want to call them bad people, i feel like they aren't. i just thjnk everything is unfair. i want them to suffer as well, but they won't. why am i the only one killing myself? why am i the only one isolated and havign consrant panic attacks? why do they get to live happily with new friends and relationships while i suffer alone, reminiscing on our friendship nonstop? why cant they even jsut have a conversation with me? no one on this planet has ever cared about me, i'm not even real to anyone. i am just some npc to everyone i have ever met. a fucking conversation would be enough to ease my unbearable suffering, bht that doesn't mean anyrhjng. the simplest task that could genuinely change my life for the better is not even in the question for them because i am so worthless. i guess death is uneventful and unimportant as a whole, but i thought i'd be an exception for at least one person, especially someone i saw as a friend. as always, i never mean anything to anyone, even if they mean the world to me. it's the same thing every time. they want me to die, they shouldmve just said it. i would feel better.
this is so stupid. if i have to die, i at least want to feel a little peaceful. nothingn in this life can be fair. before doijg it, i just feel so upset and i want to scream and cry. i jsut want to complain about everyhtint, but i don't even have anyone to whine to. if i did, i probably wouldnt be killign myself now. i want to feel peace, i don't want to feel so overwhelmed that i complain about the shit ive been complaining about for a year now. but i guess peace is reserved for people who are acrually dead.
i'm so tired and my head hurts so bad. i really really dont want to die, i want to try some more, but i always regret livingn more.
thisnis embarrassing and shameful. i have failed so mant attempts recently. tbf so many are impulsive and half-assed, some were non-methods (od
). i just failekd one and i feel so shitty. i am relying on opportunity and that's random. i have never been good at anything, not even dying. it's not even the si that's stopping me anymore i'm just retarded and wake up and vomit or i break something in the process or i get caught or stopped by someone. i think i'm still at <10 actual attempts, i know many others have a lot mroe than that. i am still embarrassed. it never gets easier. maybe i did die and now i'm in hell. the build up and the action itself remain awful each time. i am extremely anxious each time, if anythjng it gets worse each time. why am i not used to it now? i still can't even breathe when i am about to do it. despite what i might have said before, i really dont want to die. i have felt so much dread befoee these attempts and i am feeling it before this one as well. i want to lvie bht it's not working. it's painful and nothign is helping. i don't want to die, especially not alone like this but i have to. i want to feel somethign other than these extrmeely negative emotions before dying but it wont change because the situation is too bad. i feel so much anger towards everything amd wveryone. i want everyone to feel like shit when i die, bht they won't. i don't think there's a single person who will be upset at all. i am forgotten so easily. all of my friends who left and are living better lives with better people, knowing how much i am suffering. why aren't they the ones suffering? i guess i fucked up but i am not sure what i even did, they just left. why do i have to be the one left all confused and isolated while they get to enjoy things? i have nothing now, they all know that. that's not fair. whenever i vented about this situation to strangers, they'd insult my old friends and call them fake or bad people. that always upset me and i always defended them, even if i was angry. i still don't want to call them bad people, i feel like they aren't. i just thjnk everything is unfair. i want them to suffer as well, but they won't. why am i the only one killing myself? why am i the only one isolated and havign consrant panic attacks? why do they get to live happily with new friends and relationships while i suffer alone, reminiscing on our friendship nonstop? why cant they even jsut have a conversation with me? no one on this planet has ever cared about me, i'm not even real to anyone. i am just some npc to everyone i have ever met. a fucking conversation would be enough to ease my unbearable suffering, bht that doesn't mean anyrhjng. the simplest task that could genuinely change my life for the better is not even in the question for them because i am so worthless. i guess death is uneventful and unimportant as a whole, but i thought i'd be an exception for at least one person, especially someone i saw as a friend. as always, i never mean anything to anyone, even if they mean the world to me. it's the same thing every time. they want me to die, they shouldmve just said it. i would feel better.this is so stupid. if i have to die, i at least want to feel a little peaceful. nothingn in this life can be fair. before doijg it, i just feel so upset and i want to scream and cry. i jsut want to complain about everyhtint, but i don't even have anyone to whine to. if i did, i probably wouldnt be killign myself now. i want to feel peace, i don't want to feel so overwhelmed that i complain about the shit ive been complaining about for a year now. but i guess peace is reserved for people who are acrually dead.
i'm so tired and my head hurts so bad. i really really dont want to die, i want to try some more, but i always regret livingn more.
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