Scared of 30

[missporcelain]

Can anyone out there relate to the innate, crippling fear of turning a new age? In June, I will be 30, and I have been in a crisis. Please tell me how to use prescriptions (I use benzos and have Oxy from 2022) to go. I do not say that lightly. Life's highs are very high, but the lows are unbearable. The lows outweigh the highs, death is coming for everyone, and I don't know if I actually want to grow older. All my friends are married and/or have kids.

I feel like I lost the memo. And I feel so lost, stuck, and crippled by anxiety and intrusive thoughts. A therapist I saw several years ago suggested I likely struggle with OCD…and the rumination and obsessions and thoughts make me feel like a prisoner to my own self. My love life is awful (three relationships and a lot of dating later and I am so burned out…dating feels nearly impossible) and always ends badly - this gets to me the most - I had to move back in with my parents due to nocturnal seizures. Work was cut in half, and I have not been financially where I need to be to live independently again.

And I turn 30 in two months. I don't think I want to live to see it. I really don't. I don't want to be 30, and something about leaving the world forever 29 seems so much better.

I feel lile such a failure. I work really hard for things, think I'm making good and healthy strides, but the plot twists feel like a curse. I don't know what I keep doing wrong, why I attract the chaos I do, but I've been in a really manic headspace…and now that the mania is dying down and I'm faced with reality, a lot of existential questions, and a depression difficult to articulate, I want to know my options. I just don't know if I can make it to 30. It sounds stupid, but life is so heavy on my shoulders, all the decisions and choices are up to me, and the overwhelm and panic I feel as my birthday gets closer makes me long for the grave.

 

[TAW122]

I had the same thing back in 2019, when I was 29, and I dread every time there is another year, another year alive to suffer and experience sentience that I don't want to experience... However, I coped and tolerated bullshit itself (and lived through the pandemic). Now in the year 2026, I will be 36 later this year, and I am planning for my own personal demise by my own hand on my own terms, sooner than later.. Of course, sentience and life itself can be unpredictable and even when I made my decision, I am not going to rush it or attempt haphazardly until I'm as close to absolute certainty (near 100%) that I am ready, prepared, and also confidently know I can follow through, no half-assed attempts, or anything that leads to failure..

I hope you find the peace you are looking for..

 

[ireallywasnttogopls]

i can heavily relate

 

[Red.one]

I feel the same. Have some time to 30 but I still feel like I'm 24. I'm workings with teens and tweens. Sometimes they ask me if I have kids - I'm always like... Does my cats count? Sometimes they think I'm like 21... Every single time I'm confused.
I think that everyone goes with what they are - some people feels like they are 40+ when they are 20. Some gives you "forever young" vibes. You're just one of them ig? Me too, so high 5?

 

[tipoftheRGB]

I relate to this a huge amount. I turn 30 in 6 months and I have failed in life due to making too many mistakes and bad choices which seemed like good choices at the time. I had a mental breakdown at 26 and I am now a long term unemployed NEET living with my dad who dgaf about me and I haven't left the house in 3.5 years. I've lost most of my friends and some of those friends were such amazing people. And I have distanced from the few friends I have left and they all have people they love more than me whereas for me, they are the only friends I have. And yes they are all married and about to have kids. I have no hobbies and no social life and I have no idea who I am, what I like or what city to live in or move to. I have never had a relationship and now I'm upset that I have missed my chance for love, happiness and a normal life, especially as a woman. I also missed my chance to have a relationship with a guy I really wanted to be with due to my own psychological issues and now he is gone - settled down with a younger, prettier, better version of me. I dread 30 so much. I also feel like I missed the memo that everyone else seemed to get. The thought of 30 feels like an intense pit of fear and despair. I obsess, ruminate and cry hysterically for most of my day every day. Personally I am going to try and make it to 30 although idk whether I will actually make it. I think ctb at 30 is acceptable and justifiable and thats why leaving the world at 30 seems less tragic and romantic almost than dying at 29 imo although maybe we feel that way because we are 29 and not older idk. But I get you and feel similarly to you. Whatever you choose makes sense and I wish you the best with it.

 

[Supplicium]

Guys... same as you all. Pushing the 30.
I completely relate to everything that was commented here.

What do we do?

 

[tipoftheRGB]

Guys... same as you all. Pushing the 30.
I completely relate to everything that was commented here.

What do we do?

The best thing I can think of rn is to keep trying until 30 and then debate whether to ctb or not at 30. But I don't know whether I will stick to this plan. And I think I will try to pretend to everyone else I am completely fine although idk whether I will manage. I'm also trying not to think about what I could have had in life if I'd made better choices, less mistakes or had better luck and I'm trying to stop ruminating and obsessing and thinking about the past but its really hard. But we don't have a time machine so what else can we do?