otomedissection
a boring life with feelings too frail to touch
- Jun 19, 2026
- 45
I know I'm 90% just talking out of my ass right now because I'm in a bad place at the moment, but maybe writing out my "just in case" plan will somehow help. I know I shouldn't put timers on myself as it only places me under more pressure, but I'm somewhat considering CTB after I turn 30 next year if things don't improve for me.
I'm working so hard to feel normal and just function like a normal person, but nothing helps. I've been on over 12 different meditations, been doing therapy, been doing EDMR, been getting spravato treatments, but I still just feel like a slightly more numb version of myself. I'm technically "successful" in the way that I have a graduate degree and a job, but that doesn't mean shit other than that I'm able to at least afford some things. I'm just so alone that it's almost embarrassing, and going into my 30's still so emotionally fragile just isn't something I want to do. Everyone says I'm loved, but I don't feel loved. I don't think people would be happy to see me go, but I don't think it'd be all that devastating for them either.
So, just in case…4/30/27 is a date I'm considering. The very end of my birthday month. As for method, I'd have no idea. Getting my hands on SN seems feasible, or even just screwing around with no regard to my safety and having some kind of tragic accident (not where anyone else could be involved of course). Like I said, I'm mostly talking out of my ass and thinking of ways to CTB is nothing new to me, but actually writing down a date and potential method feels somewhat cathartic. I just hate living and feeling constantly judged by everyone.
I'm working so hard to feel normal and just function like a normal person, but nothing helps. I've been on over 12 different meditations, been doing therapy, been doing EDMR, been getting spravato treatments, but I still just feel like a slightly more numb version of myself. I'm technically "successful" in the way that I have a graduate degree and a job, but that doesn't mean shit other than that I'm able to at least afford some things. I'm just so alone that it's almost embarrassing, and going into my 30's still so emotionally fragile just isn't something I want to do. Everyone says I'm loved, but I don't feel loved. I don't think people would be happy to see me go, but I don't think it'd be all that devastating for them either.
So, just in case…4/30/27 is a date I'm considering. The very end of my birthday month. As for method, I'd have no idea. Getting my hands on SN seems feasible, or even just screwing around with no regard to my safety and having some kind of tragic accident (not where anyone else could be involved of course). Like I said, I'm mostly talking out of my ass and thinking of ways to CTB is nothing new to me, but actually writing down a date and potential method feels somewhat cathartic. I just hate living and feeling constantly judged by everyone.
