Venting Scared I'll change my mind regarding CTB.

[kilowatt]

I'm fully aware no one, including myself, has to CTB, but I became pretty commited to it and my plans, yet theres a little something holding me back. Not the wish to live, not the fear of facing such a violent death, but the fear of missing beautiful life experiences. Sometimes I sit there and think ''Oh, wouldn't it be so nice to plan a vacantion with my girlfriend next june?''. Wrong. I won't be there next june, according to my plans. I won't even be there next year. But at the same time I know driving into another deep spiral of depression would only lead me to not think straight anymore and just do something bad on impulse that would damage me for the rest of my life. So, even if I magically change my plans radically and choose to live, I won't have a better view on life, a better personal life, a better family life etc. It's just endless pain. Thou at times I just want to run through it just so I can enjoy a single day or 2.
My plans to CTB are not because I'm living a life too rough or don't have the bare necessities, I'm just so overly drained of living. All the mental and physical abuse only made me realize it will never end, unless I take matters into my own hands.
These thoughts are honestly painful because I planned this for just so long and I truly think I found the perfect time but yet again I might just back off for nothing. I can't believe I still seek a beautiful life and nice memories yet I can't even decide how much longer I plan to be alive on. Any ideas on how to drive these thoughts away? Deep inside I know those experiences wouldn't help me get ahold of my life or improve it, but I just crave having a few memorable times before I go. I don't really have the possibility to do much within a month, especially because the weather is pretty bad here in Europe so I can't just travel as I wish.

 

[twatingthroughlife]

I get you. I want to die all the time but I still have things I want to do and I don't know why it matters so much to me. But my bipolar always forces me back into depression. I will always be like this and I'll be in pain forever, so I know what I have to do. But I just simply can't. It sucks.

Thankfully I have a plan and I'll just probably go through with it when I'm desperate enough. It's just a matter of time.

 

[ngmi]

It sounds like you've got some cognitive dissonance going. You're scared of missing out on life, but you also think there's no chance of life ever getting better?

I don't know you beyond this post so I'm just taking a guess here, but it sounds to me like you might have finally found a bit of stability and comfort in this life -- you just haven't had time to realize it yet. The option to CTB will always be there when you need it later. For now, you could put those plans on hold and look for those good experiences in life first. Once you've either had your good times or given up searching, then you can still retire. I'm sure your girlfriend would appreciate having a few more months with you, too.

 

[wheezle42]

I think a lot of us go through something similar, and it's OK. You made plans, things evolved, maybe you stick to the plan or not. Death will always be there if you need it. Don't be too hard on yourself if you don't go through. It's OK to want to spend a bit more time with what seems to be someone you love <3