Sabotaging recovery with drugs

[Cloud Busting]

Life is so boring, monotonous, empty, and stressful without drugs.

The system is rigged. Capitalism is enslaving us. Life is full of inconvenience and pain. I'm always riddled with anxiety and doubts about myself.

On drugs, I'm sexy. Everything is interesting. I love the world.

The problem is on drugs, I do stupid things. I go on benders and lose my mind. I trade gifts and items from the work storage room for drugs. I hang around shady people who steal my shit and fuck up my car, but they give me drugs so why not. I smoke drugs in my car. I abandon all healthy hobbies. I have horrible comedowns. I come into work high and raise eyebrows. But when I'm high, none of it matters cuz I feel great.

I know deep down, a life of trading shit from work and dumpsters, or what I earn as cash back on credit isn't a life worth living. Doing cam work (I haven't yet but have deeply considered it and likely would if I continued using) wouldn't be worth it. It's a temporary chase with no long term rewards.

Life itself is just so boring and I feel like im just distracting myself from the meaningless of it all. It never feels as good as drugs. It's the only distraction that makes me forget I'm distracting myself.

I hope I can find a way to feel whole and confident without drugs. I hate who I am on drugs. But it feels good man. Nothing else compares.

Maybe it's worth fucking my entire life up just to feel good because I'll die anyway so why not? But I know that will never be fulfilling long term.

Will I ever feel fulfilled?

 

[CuriosityAndCat]

Addiction is going to get in the way, but you sound like you know that already. System, capitalism, life, anxiety, doubts and the like aren't related or necessary.
That hole that feels like any kind of meaning is missing is standard depression. You probably figured that out already. If it's felt that way for 2+ years probably dysthymia.
Normally you get happiness and fulfilment from the everyday interactions from people and pets, hobbies, experiences, and the like.
You might be able to get that feeling back with medication. Consider therapy or a support group for help with addiction before you just throw everything to the wind.

 

[Cloud Busting]

Addiction is going to get in the way, but you sound like you know that already. System, capitalism, life, anxiety, doubts and the like aren't related or necessary.
That hole that feels like any kind of meaning is missing is standard depression. You probably figured that out already. If it's felt that way for 2+ years probably dysthymia.
Normally you get happiness and fulfilment from the everyday interactions from people and pets, hobbies, experiences, and the like.
You might be able to get that feeling back with medication. Consider therapy or a support group for help with addiction before you just throw everything to the wind.

I'm not sure I'm really an addict. I dabbled a couple years ago but got clean when stuff was getting out of hand. I've slipped up a few times since but nothing consistent till only 2-3 months ago, and I've already been sober for a week with no help (aside from friends and my bf supporting me in my decision.) It doesn't feel like I've really used for long enough to qualify, plus I stopped after getting $1500 stolen (well I used two times after that, one of those times with the people who stole from me ) It's my pattern to quit when the consequences are too much, when I'm pretty sure the hallmark of addiction is inability to quit despite consequences.

I just know that everything is an illusion. Cats, church, spirituality, sex, food, nature, it's all a distraction from the futility of life. And none of it feels nearly as good as drugs. According to my therapist I am no longer in a depressive episode but my stress and coping skills aren't great. I have bpd. Maybe that's where the emptiness comes from?

I don't want the stigma of addiction on my file so I would only say so if forced (e.g. court ordered.) I take anti depressants and they do nothing. I am gonna start going to meetings tho, as much as I don't want to

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I think getting some peer support is the way to go, though know the standard framework for substance use peer support probably doesn't really resonate with you.

 

[Cloud Busting]

I think getting some peer support is the way to go, though know the standard framework for substance use peer support probably doesn't really resonate with you.

What makes you think it doesn't resonate with me?

 

[LaVieEnRose]

What makes you think it doesn't resonate with me?

The spiritual elements. You don't seem like someone they'd jive with that well. But I could be wrong.

 

[Cloud Busting]

The spiritual elements. You don't seem like someone they'd jive with that well. But I could be wrong.

I'm going to a meeting on Wednesday and I'm really not looking forward to it because of that. I don't even really feel like I belong in them cuz I'm not like a full blown addict. However I don't even care. I just wanna gain camaraderie with people who are trying to get their lives together.

I def am not about the powerlessness and higher power shit. I wish I had these meetings in my area instead.

I love the idea of being lost in a substance rather than powerless. That makes more sense to me and doesn't sound as hopeless either.

 

[CuriosityAndCat]

I'm not sure I'm really an addict. I dabbled a couple years ago but got clean when stuff was getting out of hand. I've slipped up a few times since but nothing consistent till only 2-3 months ago, and I've already been sober for a week with no help (aside from friends and my bf supporting me in my decision.) It doesn't feel like I've really used for long enough to qualify, plus I stopped after getting $1500 stolen (well I used two times after that, one of those times with the people who stole from me ) It's my pattern to quit when the consequences are too much, when I'm pretty sure the hallmark of addiction is inability to quit despite consequences.

I just know that everything is an illusion. Cats, church, spirituality, sex, food, nature, it's all a distraction from the futility of life. And none of it feels nearly as good as drugs. According to my therapist I am no longer in a depressive episode but my stress and coping skills aren't great. I have bpd. Maybe that's where the emptiness comes from?

I don't want the stigma of addiction on my file so I would only say so if forced (e.g. court ordered.) I take anti depressants and they do nothing. I am gonna start going to meetings tho, as much as I don't want to

This is the same cat btw as the discord.

If you're not able to feel fulfillment from the things you listed, that's depression. Those are the things that make life worth living. If you're unable to feel that, life would be meaningless and futile. You still have classic depression symptoms. The depression is probably getting better so keep working at it.

All of that is typical with addiction. It's not black and white. There's shades of grey. You're not a foregone addict. Consider the problems you've had and you've thought about camming to feed it. Yet you still feel drawn to drugs.

Congrats btw on joining a program and being aware enough to avoid rock bottom. You should still prob see a therapist who deals with addiction to develop coping mechanisms to deal with the triggers that will slip you up.

What file btw? My psychologist told me patients could confess to murder and it's protected bc they're not an immediate threat to themselves or anyone as the person is already dead.

Talk with a psychiatrist. You may find medications that can get you back to life feeling meaningful without being high or the shadiness of your alternative pharmacists.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I'm going to a meeting on Wednesday and I'm really not looking forward to it because of that. I don't even really feel like I belong in them cuz I'm not like a full blown addict. However I don't even care. I just wanna gain camaraderie with people who are trying to get their lives together.

I def am not about the powerlessness and higher power shit. I wish I had these meetings in my area instead.

I love the idea of being lost in a substance rather than powerless. That makes more sense to me and doesn't sound as hopeless either.

I think there is an online Satanic Temple community; I know someone who participates in it, so I could ask for some info!

 

[FitsTime]

Life is so boring, monotonous, empty, and stressful without drugs.

The system is rigged. Capitalism is enslaving us. Life is full of inconvenience and pain. I'm always riddled with anxiety and doubts about myself.

On drugs, I'm sexy. Everything is interesting. I love the world.

The problem is on drugs, I do stupid things. I go on benders and lose my mind. I trade gifts and items from the work storage room for drugs. I hang around shady people who steal my shit and fuck up my car, but they give me drugs so why not. I smoke drugs in my car. I abandon all healthy hobbies. I have horrible comedowns. I come into work high and raise eyebrows. But when I'm high, none of it matters cuz I feel great.

I know deep down, a life of trading shit from work and dumpsters, or what I earn as cash back on credit isn't a life worth living. Doing cam work (I haven't yet but have deeply considered it and likely would if I continued using) wouldn't be worth it. It's a temporary chase with no long term rewards.

Life itself is just so boring and I feel like im just distracting myself from the meaningless of it all. It never feels as good as drugs. It's the only distraction that makes me forget I'm distracting myself.

I hope I can find a way to feel whole and confident without drugs. I hate who I am on drugs. But it feels good man. Nothing else compares.

Maybe it's worth fucking my entire life up just to feel good because I'll die anyway so why not? But I know that will never be fulfilling long term.

Will I ever feel fulfilled?

I did the same my whole life. It is because we don't have a decent purpouse or because something hurt us badly in the past, we could not become who we wanted to be and we are just hanging around with no purpouse. At least, this is my case. I'm only happy on drugs and maybe I'm also searching for death, i really don't care much about what s happening to me anymore. I saw things that really had a bad impact on me, so i just really don't care. But i had Dreams when i was young, is this dirty environment and bad People around me that made me forget that.

 

[Cloud Busting]

This is the same cat btw as the discord.

Hello!

If you're not able to feel fulfillment from the things you listed, that's depression. Those are the things that make life worth living. If you're unable to feel that, life would be meaningless and futile. You still have classic depression symptoms. The depression is probably getting better so keep working at it.

I was exiting a depressive episode right before I relapsed. Perhaps I'm still experiencing the effects. Also consider that my DOC can induce depression upon cessation. That may be why I'm struggling with anhedonia right now. If the later scenario is the case, my depression should fade over time with self care.

From my (very limited) understanding of Theravada Buddhism, emptiness (sunyata) is perceived when one senses the lack of a permanent essence of things. It's seen as a state that can lead to non-attachment and acceptance of the non-self.

It's a perspective on meaninglessness I'm trying to adopt. Drugs are my desire to chase certain expectations and longings. I'm trying to let that go and just embrace things as they happen and remember things are always changing. If nothing is real and merely based on subjective interpretation, there's no sense in sweating the small stuff.

All of that is typical with addiction. It's not black and white. There's shades of grey. You're not a foregone addict. Consider the problems you've had and you've thought about camming to feed it. Yet you still feel drawn to drugs.

Feeling drawn to drugs doesn't mean I have to do them. I haven't since I posted.

Congrats btw on joining a program and being aware enough to avoid rock bottom. You should still prob see a therapist who deals with addiction to develop coping mechanisms to deal with the triggers that will slip you up.

Thank you!

I'm uncomfortable seeking the opinion of a professional due to the illegality and stigma behind my substance abuse. I'm looking into peer support as an alternative. Meetings are one example. I agree that identifying triggers and developing coping skills to prevent slip-ups is key to long term maintenance. It's something I'm working on implementing.

I credit my boyfriend for helping me become self aware. He's pointed out all the risks and red flags he's been noticing about my use. I recognize I've yet to hit rock bottom and want to climb out before I do. My situation sucks enough.

What file btw? My psychologist told me patients could confess to murder and it's protected bc they're not an immediate threat to themselves or anyone as the person is already dead.

Hippa laws (I'm us based) do provide protections, but a diagnosis of "substance abuse disorder" would be documented on a medical file and available to (the limited few) who have access. I don't want to risk that.

Kids in the youth home I work for have substance abuse histories on their file. I have to keep it confidential, but I have the right to access them. Just an example. It may not get reported to the police but certain social/health care works can access my medical records when relevant.

Talk with a psychiatrist. You may find medications that can get you back to life feeling meaningful without being high or the shadiness of your alternative pharmacists.

I do have a psychiatrist. Not only is she booked up for months, anti-depressants don't seem to do much for me. I'm hoping to get off Effexor in the future. The only psych meds I've ever thought were worth taking were anti-anxiety meds.

The shadiness of the illegal drug trade is exactly why I don't support the drug war. It is a public health issue; not a moral one.

Thank you for your input.

@LaVieEnRose

Please pm me if you get any information!

@FitsTime I relate to so much of what you said. I hope you can find a way to heal from your pain without having to escape it with drugs. It's a tough boat to sail.



Rereading my original post is wild. I was jonsing hardcore. Shit still sucks, but each day gets a little easier.

 

[CuriosityAndCat]

Hello!



I was exiting a depressive episode right before I relapsed. Perhaps I'm still experiencing the effects. Also consider that my DOC can induce depression upon cessation. That may be why I'm struggling with anhedonia right now. If the later scenario is the case, my depression should fade over time with self care.

From my (very limited) understanding of Theravada Buddhism, emptiness (sunyata) is perceived when one senses the lack of a permanent essence of things. It's seen as a state that can lead to non-attachment and acceptance of the non-self.

It's a perspective on meaninglessness I'm trying to adopt. Drugs are my desire to chase certain expectations and longings. I'm trying to let that go and just embrace things as they happen and remember things are always changing. If nothing is real and merely based on subjective interpretation, there's no sense in sweating the small stuff.




Feeling drawn to drugs doesn't mean I have to do them. I haven't since I posted.



Thank you!

I'm uncomfortable seeking the opinion of a professional due to the illegality and stigma behind my substance abuse. I'm looking into peer support as an alternative. Meetings are one example. I agree that identifying triggers and developing coping skills to prevent slip-ups is key to long term maintenance. It's something I'm working on implementing.

I credit my boyfriend for helping me become self aware. He's pointed out all the risks and red flags he's been noticing about my use. I recognize I've yet to hit rock bottom and want to climb out before I do. My situation sucks enough.



Hippa laws (I'm us based) do provide protections, but a diagnosis of "substance abuse disorder" would be documented on a medical file and available to (the limited few) who have access. I don't want to risk that.

Kids in the youth home I work for have substance abuse histories on their file. I have to keep it confidential, but I have the right to access them. Just an example. It may not get reported to the police but certain social/health care works can access my medical records when relevant.




I do have a psychiatrist. Not only is she booked up for months, anti-depressants don't seem to do much for me. I'm hoping to get off Effexor in the future. The only psych meds I've ever thought were worth taking were anti-anxiety meds.

The shadiness of the illegal drug trade is exactly why I don't support the drug war. It is a public health issue; not a moral one.

Thank you for your input.

@LaVieEnRose

Please pm me if you get any information!

@FitsTime I relate to so much of what you said. I hope you can find a way to heal from your pain without having to escape it with drugs. It's a tough boat to sail.



Rereading my original post is wild. I was jonsing hardcore. Shit still sucks, but each day gets a little easier.

Awesome! I didn't know you were into spirituality. My situation improved with it. Would love to hear about your journey!

Hope your anhedonia and depression pass soon.

I like effexor and desvenlafaxine. They kicked me out of depression quickly. Also stopped feeling like I had a hole in me and part of me was missing, and I had no purpose. Hopefully it's just as effective for you.

I'm in US as well. I did not know about the hipaa rules related to substance abuse .

The tone in your writing changed in your reply. You sound calm and confident. Impermanence of self is wild.

 

[Cloud Busting]

Awesome! I didn't know you were into spirituality. My situation improved with it. Would love to hear about your journey!

I would love to hear about yours!

My spirituality journey is fairly new. I deconverted from Christianity and lived a secular life for over a decade, but I've gained a newfound interest. I don't know if I'd ever convert to Buddhism, but many of the principles click so I've been studying it more. I was attending a Unitarian Universalist church, but I got too busy getting high.

I need to get back into it, as it has been helpful for me as well.

I like effexor and desvenlafaxine. They kicked me out of depression quickly. Also stopped feeling like I had a hole in me and part of me was missing, and I had no purpose. Hopefully it's just as effective for you.

I've been on Effexor since July and I don't find it helpful. Glad it works for you at least.

I'm in US as well. I did not know about the hipaa rules related to substance abuse .

Well they are youths, so their caregivers can have access to their files. As a legal adult it will be kept private, but I don't like the idea of future doctors reading substance abuse disorder on my file.

I no longer care. I told my therapist I fell asleep at work because I had been drinking and he already suspected that, so he wouldn't be surprised if I told him I do hard drugs I imagine. My bf thinks I should tell him. My therapist himself thinks I'm shaming myself more so than anyone else.

He's the perfect person to tell. I have to address everything if I want to recover. Plus I'm not perfect. Fine, I'm an addict. The only people worth being around are those who won't hold that against me. I'll schedule appointment tomorrow. I haven't been to therapy in a month. You have to come clean to get clean.

Awesome! I didn't know you were into spirituality. My situation improved with it. Would love to hear about your journey!

Hope your anhedonia and depression pass soon.

I like effexor and desvenlafaxine. They kicked me out of depression quickly. Also stopped feeling like I had a hole in me and part of me was missing, and I had no purpose. Hopefully it's just as effective for you.

I'm in US as well. I did not know about the hipaa rules related to substance abuse .

The tone in your writing changed in your reply. You sound calm and confident. Impermanence of self is wild.

I'm over the worst of my withdrawal I believe. I had a very rough day yesterday, which I think is because I hung out with someone I used to use with. Plus I've been working a lot. I'm tired.

Impermanence is wild! Everything is constantly changing, so you have to let go of your ideals and just take things as they come, moment to moment.

Thanks for the support cat!

 

[CuriosityAndCat]

I would love to hear about yours!

My spirituality journey is fairly new. I deconverted from Christianity and lived a secular life for over a decade, but I've gained a newfound interest. I don't know if I'd ever convert to Buddhism, but many of the principles click so I've been studying it more. I was attending a Unitarian Universalist church, but I got too busy getting high.

I need to get back into it, as it has been helpful for me as well.


I've been on Effexor since July and I don't find it helpful. Glad it works for you at least.


Well they are youths, so their caregivers can have access to their files. As a legal adult it will be kept private, but I don't like the idea of future doctors reading substance abuse disorder on my file.

I no longer care. I told my therapist I fell asleep at work because I had been drinking and he already suspected that, so he wouldn't be surprised if I told him I do hard drugs I imagine. My bf thinks I should tell him. My therapist himself thinks I'm shaming myself more so than anyone else.

He's the perfect person to tell. I have to address everything if I want to recover. Plus I'm not perfect. Fine, I'm an addict. The only people worth being around are those who won't hold that against me. I'll schedule appointment tomorrow. I haven't been to therapy in a month. You have to come clean to get clean.



I'm over the worst of my withdrawal I believe. I had a very rough day yesterday, which I think is because I hung out with someone I used to use with. Plus I've been working a lot. I'm tired.

Impermanence is wild! Everything is constantly changing, so you have to let go of your ideals and just take things as they come, moment to moment.

Thanks for the support cat!

I'm Atheist Hindu. Meditation and pranayama helped a lot for several years with panic attacks, nightmares and flashbacks. I was told I had ADHD, but it was CPTSD. It's been an issue since I can remember so I didn't know my issues were not normal. Lot of the ideas around mindfulness and happiness helped with breaking beliefs, regrets, and anxiety during therapy. It also really helped with stopping being angry at myself and accepting myself as good enough.

Nice! There's things you just feel shameful or anxious to talk about. I felt relief after I got home. Yea, it's not worth being around people who make you feel bad, harm you, or negatively influence you. Still it's really hard to break off from them .

I created a discord for PTSD after you mentioned finding a group. I think finding people who have same issues as me and getting angry providing support could be a big help.