Ruminating about reactions to CTB

[brokenreceptor]

Last summer my boyfriend and I were on a drive and the topic turned to his high school friends. He mentioned that his friend's brother killed himself. Hung himself in his university dorm room and that that was how he was found. He said "that has to be nightmare fuel." And it made me go quiet and I think about that moment a lot. I think about going that way even though as a teenager I hated the thought of it. Taking pills wasn't enough (well, I didn't take enough) and I feel like I need something more proactive. But at the same, the thought of doing that to my boyfriend upsets me. Of giving him nightmare fuel. But at the same time, I know things will only get worse. I feel happy with him, he kind of makes me feel like all the upset and trauma I went through has been recompensated by meeting this boy who makes me feel this way. But I still want to die. I'm so tired of therapy and meds and stupid made up shitbag slogans to repeat in order to lie to myself to lull myself into a false belief that I'm "normal" now. I wasn't even supposed to be born. My dead mother wanted to abort me and now I've outlived her. My life feels so stupidly pathetically senseless and working towards something feels pointless.