SoulWhisperer
Severe Medical Phobia « MtF »
- Nov 13, 2023
- 549
It's summer, I hate summer. I hate the heat, having to stay home and see my family, having to go on forced vacations and whatnot. However one upside is that I can rot in peace for 3 months before education comes back biting my ass. And trust me, exams ARE stressing. I'm constantly doing homework, reviewing notes, studying shit and stressing over anything just to get straight As or Fs as there's no middle ground for me, I either kill it or kill myself with exams. But this post ain't about exams.
Just one final year and I'll graduate, if I pass the final examination, after failing my first one in a previous school several years ago. Another and my final year of this, then? Then?? Then I'll be basically served on a silver platter to CTB. I feel like life has invited me to CTB with all my problems.
I've been spending last 3 weeks doing this:
Wake up 10 AM, eat breakfast, play games or till 12 PM, eat lunch, play games until 7 PM, eat dinner, play games and chat until 2 AM.
I play games, watch netflix, code random shit and eat. That's my life. And I know I won't be able to stay like this forever, so I got a lingering anxiety destroying me. My physical health will worse and that also depresses me. I feel unsafe and I am unwanted, I got no place to go and that terrorises me. I'm basically done, so I'm "enjoying" those same days until my end.
Oh and I managed to get my mother to do something to help me get a therapist, although I have a HEAVY feeling it won't be useful for shit. My goals are the following with it:
- Try to get a diagnosis so I can stop being paranoid and feeling like what I feel is "made up"
- Try to hand my family to "justice" by being honest about what happened to me.
Although I have no faith in this system at all, so it'll probably be a loss of time that will backfire and that's it.
I have just 300 bucks, the only way to make my CTB a little bit more "sweet" is by fleeing the country, doing stupid shit for a week and then conclude my life at the end of the week.
I feel so afraid I'm afraid of even dying at this point, I'm afraid of everything and everything gives me anxiety. It may not look like it but I swear on anything that the fear I feel towards my life is IMMACULATE.
I'm an hopeless fuck. Fuck.
Just one final year and I'll graduate, if I pass the final examination, after failing my first one in a previous school several years ago. Another and my final year of this, then? Then?? Then I'll be basically served on a silver platter to CTB. I feel like life has invited me to CTB with all my problems.
I've been spending last 3 weeks doing this:
Wake up 10 AM, eat breakfast, play games or till 12 PM, eat lunch, play games until 7 PM, eat dinner, play games and chat until 2 AM.
I play games, watch netflix, code random shit and eat. That's my life. And I know I won't be able to stay like this forever, so I got a lingering anxiety destroying me. My physical health will worse and that also depresses me. I feel unsafe and I am unwanted, I got no place to go and that terrorises me. I'm basically done, so I'm "enjoying" those same days until my end.
Oh and I managed to get my mother to do something to help me get a therapist, although I have a HEAVY feeling it won't be useful for shit. My goals are the following with it:
- Try to get a diagnosis so I can stop being paranoid and feeling like what I feel is "made up"
- Try to hand my family to "justice" by being honest about what happened to me.
Although I have no faith in this system at all, so it'll probably be a loss of time that will backfire and that's it.
I have just 300 bucks, the only way to make my CTB a little bit more "sweet" is by fleeing the country, doing stupid shit for a week and then conclude my life at the end of the week.
I feel so afraid I'm afraid of even dying at this point, I'm afraid of everything and everything gives me anxiety. It may not look like it but I swear on anything that the fear I feel towards my life is IMMACULATE.
I'm an hopeless fuck. Fuck.
