Venting Rotting and Anxiety

[SoulWhisperer]

It's summer, I hate summer. I hate the heat, having to stay home and see my family, having to go on forced vacations and whatnot. However one upside is that I can rot in peace for 3 months before education comes back biting my ass. And trust me, exams ARE stressing. I'm constantly doing homework, reviewing notes, studying shit and stressing over anything just to get straight As or Fs as there's no middle ground for me, I either kill it or kill myself with exams. But this post ain't about exams.

Just one final year and I'll graduate, if I pass the final examination, after failing my first one in a previous school several years ago. Another and my final year of this, then? Then?? Then I'll be basically served on a silver platter to CTB. I feel like life has invited me to CTB with all my problems.

I've been spending last 3 weeks doing this:
Wake up 10 AM, eat breakfast, play games or till 12 PM, eat lunch, play games until 7 PM, eat dinner, play games and chat until 2 AM.

I play games, watch netflix, code random shit and eat. That's my life. And I know I won't be able to stay like this forever, so I got a lingering anxiety destroying me. My physical health will worse and that also depresses me. I feel unsafe and I am unwanted, I got no place to go and that terrorises me. I'm basically done, so I'm "enjoying" those same days until my end.

Oh and I managed to get my mother to do something to help me get a therapist, although I have a HEAVY feeling it won't be useful for shit. My goals are the following with it:
- Try to get a diagnosis so I can stop being paranoid and feeling like what I feel is "made up"
- Try to hand my family to "justice" by being honest about what happened to me.
Although I have no faith in this system at all, so it'll probably be a loss of time that will backfire and that's it.

I have just 300 bucks, the only way to make my CTB a little bit more "sweet" is by fleeing the country, doing stupid shit for a week and then conclude my life at the end of the week.

I feel so afraid I'm afraid of even dying at this point, I'm afraid of everything and everything gives me anxiety. It may not look like it but I swear on anything that the fear I feel towards my life is IMMACULATE.

I'm an hopeless fuck. Fuck.

 

[Beavisandbutthead]

I wish you all the best

 

[enjoytheride]

Hi! I am sorry that you feel stuck and depressed. I know this feeling all too well.

From what you describe, it seems like you are living in a closed circuit - same routine, same thoughts and feelings. I wonder, is there anything you can do to break the cycle? For instance, doing some volunteering, getting a part-time job, going out with friends or family? I know all this could sound easier said than done.

I think good things could be waiting for you further upstream, so don't despair. I like to think that one must sometimes go through hell in order to reach the place where they would like to be, maybe something like in Dante's Inferno.

Having one year left until you finish your studies is surely a good thing. Finishing your studies will open doors and perspectives for your life. Don't worry about grades. If the choice is between burning out totally or having average grades, go for the average grades. Don't let the perfect be enemy of the good.

By the way, do you code as a hobby, for your assignments or as work? What kind of stuff do you code?

 

[bankai]

God I hate the stress of exams so much. It's been a long time since I graduated college, but I still have nightmares about appearing for exams

One recurring nightmare I have is appearing for the exams as everyone else is leaving the examination hall.


The other nightmare is sitting and taking the exam without any clothes on lol.