Story Road to Self-Care and Recovery Update

[lionetta12]

Hi everyone,

I wrote around a month ago about how I'm trying to recover again one last time, as I've tried to for 13 years now. I wanted to make a small update now on the road ahead and what I've done since then. Sorry for long text, tried to keep it as short and coherent as possible.

I broke my big toe sadly 2 days after deciding to try to give life another chance, which definantly made it difficult to focus on hope and optimism with all the pain and lousy treatment I got by the emergency services. I've pretty much been stuck inside for the past 3 weeks due to this since they put a cast on my entire foot and it's been rainy, snowy and icy where I live so wasn't easy to go anywhere but the store when I really needed food. I've been wheelchair bound for 1 entire year prior recently so I thought this would not be very different from that, althought that was a different kind of nightmare.

I was patient and everything was somewhat going well for the first 2 weeks now but the last week was tough and made me almost relapse into suicidal ideation again and my PTSD memories and flashbacks got pretty bad during this weekend.

I had my follow-up xray and check up yesterday and I got the cast removed, I'm now allowed to walk again and to wear shoes, but told to take it easy since I have pain and it's not healed still, it wont be fully healed for another 3-6 weeks.

Anyway, being stuck inside for 3 weeks kind of almost made me go nuts, I did everything I could to try and pass the time like looking into my new religion and figuring out what to do when my foot and toe is all good again. But now I feel better and a little relief, I got my freedom, optimism and independance back.

I bought a lot of new clothes that are appropiate and nice for religious events and volunteering. I'm trying to plan my new baptisation. I've decided to get one facial filler to improve my face, I've tried them once before under my eyes with «tear through» and it didn't really make me feel any different so I spent a lot of time analysing and reflecting these weeks on what is it that I truly need to improve since none of my friends or exes would give me an answer, but now I realised what I need to enhance. I'm getting ready to get some vaccines that I should have had a while ago, I'm demanding my doctor to give me some bone density tests to check if there's something wrong with my bones or not so I don't end up in a broken bone situation any time soon again hopefully or so I can get treatment for what seems to be overly fragile bones, if it is the case.

I'm trying to focus a lot on self-care and what's best for me mentally, physically and health wise. I'm also considering changing my name to what I want it to be to take control of my own life again. I want to improve most aspects of myself and I hope that will help me recover someday. It's going to be expensive, and that's what freaks me out a little, because I'm very anxious with money spending, but I have to do this for my own sake and to try and stay alive, so I guess the investment is worth it in the long run hopefully. It's not like I have anything or anyone else to spend money on anymore either since I cut out all the people who used and abused me for money. I'm looking forward to being able to being a better version of myself and to go seek out my new religion and the new societial groups I'm joining and to travel again once I can walk more, right now I'm stuck on 2000 steps before my toe gives in due to the pain, but I hope I'll be back to normal in 3 more weeks.

 

[Ultracheese]

I'm sorry you've been struggling so much, both physically and mentally. I'm proud of you for persevering and working on taking care of yourself. I hope your plans to change your name if you decide to go through with it, are successful.

 

[Regen]

You fought your way through these three weeks very well. I know from your other posts how much you suffer sometimes, so it was with great joy that I read your hopeful text. You decide which wolf you feed - the positive or the negative. I keep my fingers crossed for you!

 

[toro]

youre doing so good considering the circumstances!!! i hope the next update is an even bigger improvement, we're all rooting for you!!!

 

[Againstthewind]

I know what it's like to be in hospital and be stuck there for quite a while when you have something wrong with you physically, it can make you go mad, and you feel like your getting cabin fever. That in itself though does make you appreciate the simpler things in life.

But I think you're doing a good job, and I am glad you have plans and goals which are going to make you feel so much better.

 

[Pluto]

Your strength is superhuman! Sending you all my blessings.

I'd be very curious to learn about the religion you have discovered. I spent most of today listening to talks by a Catholic nun named Bernadette Roberts who has given me a whole new perspective on a religion I previously rejected since childhood. It's great that you've found something that works for you.

 

[lionetta12]

I'm sorry you've been struggling so much, both physically and mentally. I'm proud of you for persevering and working on taking care of yourself. I hope your plans to change your name if you decide to go through with it, are successful.

Thank you so much for your kind words and support, I've started to walk more now on my broken toe and reached 3500 steps. I got the face filler done today. The lidocaine numbing cream tasted awful and made my entire mouth and throat go numb, but I like the results so far, I feel a lot better about my face now and more confident. It was weird to leave the clinic because I was feeling as if I had just done something I'm not allowed to do, but then I realised I'm single and free now, I can do whatever I want finally without fearing judgement or being scared of losing someone I love. It was a nice feeling. I got my papers in the mail today that officially confirm my membership in the right-to-die movement in my country too. Spent the rest of the day preparing for all the other things I want to do as part of my road to recovering and sorting out doctors appointments.

You fought your way through these three weeks very well. I know from your other posts how much you suffer sometimes, so it was with great joy that I read your hopeful text. You decide which wolf you feed - the positive or the negative. I keep my fingers crossed for you!

Thank you for reading my previous posts and this one. I feel hopeful and optimistic right now and the pain I have physically isnt too bad anymore, I'm just continuing to do things that might keep my mind off of the negative and away from falling back into suicidal thinking.

youre doing so good considering the circumstances!!! i hope the next update is an even bigger improvement, we're all rooting for you!!!

Thank you for the cheering and rooting, I look forward to giving a better update once I've hopefully achieved more of what I've set out to do in these upcoming weeks.

I know what it's like to be in hospital and be stuck there for quite a while when you have something wrong with you physically, it can make you go mad, and you feel like your getting cabin fever. That in itself though does make you appreciate the simpler things in life.

But I think you're doing a good job, and I am glad you have plans and goals which are going to make you feel so much better.

Yea, it was around 6 hours of waiting and the waiting room didn't allow any food or beverages in there, and didn't want to risk leaving and missing my appointment so was starving and I got dehydrated during the wait. There werent enough seats either because the ER was over filled and not enough doctors on duty. Thank you for the reassurance and for sharing your experience with hospitals. It's nice to know that someone can relate to how it's like at times.

Your strength is superhuman! Sending you all my blessings.

I'd be very curious to learn about the religion you have discovered. I spent most of today listening to talks by a Catholic nun named Bernadette Roberts who has given me a whole new perspective on a religion I previously rejected since childhood. It's great that you've found something that works for you.

Thank you for the blessing, I want to send you my blessings too. That's interesting, I havent heard of her before I don't think, but it's nice if that helps and that you got a new perspective on things. I rejected religion in general at around age 8 I think, after having been very religious up until then with praying and going to church and so on. I lost all my faith in it when my life never got better and continiously just got worse and I didn't feel like my prayers and the biblical way I was living ever got me anywhere. But I'm going to make a new try now and I feel as if that's the right thing for me to do, I felt like I've had some sort of awekening in mid January and that's why I feel strongly about it now suddenly.