I've been meaning to make this post for awhile. As I suspected and knew, I've back in a better place. If not mentally, at least in mood.
However, in my former post I noted how I can't keep doing this, and it still stands. I always get high, and then come back down. That's why recently I've been doing my best to temper my highest moods. I'm not trying to make myself unhappy, in fact I revel in my happiness when it's here. It's moreso because if I allow myself to be too happy, when things hit the fan, as life does. It makes the blow less hard.
I think the driving reasons for me to not want to be here is expectations and reality. I always had dreams about where and how my life would be -- who I would be, and it's been devastating to see those images not match up. For a big shining example, I always saw myself as a kind, caring person. Well, I'm not, I've been cruel, toxic, rude -- I know not everyone isn't without flaws. Everyone makes mistakes, whatever platoes you can make. But I've felt I crossed lines I can't come back from. Sure in my mind I can make excuses -- at least I haven't done the worst thing humanity can do, murder, rape, genocide, etc. But I've ruin and shattered my image of self, and today I had the revelation that I can't touch/reach out much anymore. I feel diseased, and I -- when I compare myself to my peers, feel worse than them.
The only person in my life that I feel closer to, is my bff. Yet even then, there are times I notice that I'm lower. I guess I should stop thinking in hiarchies. But it's not about being being better or worse than someone. I guess for me, it's about worth? For a lack of a better term. I used to think I was making a difference. Yes, I am self-righteous, less so now than then. I notice now how I blame shift and project A LOT. Mostly because again, who I say I am, and who I am, and who I want to be -- so vastly far apart. Everything I wanted to strive for, being an advocate, being a loving and kind person. All of it are things other people do better -- and in my mind I can't wrap around how I can even begin.
To illustrate my point, when I read bell hooks, "Men, Masculinity, & Love" I saw so much of myself I thought I was looking into a mirror when she described herself, at the beginning. Yet as I read on through the book, her concept and appllication of love was out of my leauge. I wish I could ask her how she walked, or in my case, how she would even tumble to that sort of position.
I think that's why I so want to end it. I can't commit to better, I can't meet even my own expectations. Overall, I empathize the saying "more trouble than it's worth."
P.s. I also struggle to care about anyone else's pain except my own.
However, in my former post I noted how I can't keep doing this, and it still stands. I always get high, and then come back down. That's why recently I've been doing my best to temper my highest moods. I'm not trying to make myself unhappy, in fact I revel in my happiness when it's here. It's moreso because if I allow myself to be too happy, when things hit the fan, as life does. It makes the blow less hard.
I think the driving reasons for me to not want to be here is expectations and reality. I always had dreams about where and how my life would be -- who I would be, and it's been devastating to see those images not match up. For a big shining example, I always saw myself as a kind, caring person. Well, I'm not, I've been cruel, toxic, rude -- I know not everyone isn't without flaws. Everyone makes mistakes, whatever platoes you can make. But I've felt I crossed lines I can't come back from. Sure in my mind I can make excuses -- at least I haven't done the worst thing humanity can do, murder, rape, genocide, etc. But I've ruin and shattered my image of self, and today I had the revelation that I can't touch/reach out much anymore. I feel diseased, and I -- when I compare myself to my peers, feel worse than them.
The only person in my life that I feel closer to, is my bff. Yet even then, there are times I notice that I'm lower. I guess I should stop thinking in hiarchies. But it's not about being being better or worse than someone. I guess for me, it's about worth? For a lack of a better term. I used to think I was making a difference. Yes, I am self-righteous, less so now than then. I notice now how I blame shift and project A LOT. Mostly because again, who I say I am, and who I am, and who I want to be -- so vastly far apart. Everything I wanted to strive for, being an advocate, being a loving and kind person. All of it are things other people do better -- and in my mind I can't wrap around how I can even begin.
To illustrate my point, when I read bell hooks, "Men, Masculinity, & Love" I saw so much of myself I thought I was looking into a mirror when she described herself, at the beginning. Yet as I read on through the book, her concept and appllication of love was out of my leauge. I wish I could ask her how she walked, or in my case, how she would even tumble to that sort of position.
I think that's why I so want to end it. I can't commit to better, I can't meet even my own expectations. Overall, I empathize the saying "more trouble than it's worth."
P.s. I also struggle to care about anyone else's pain except my own.
