Venting Resent my loved ones for loving me

[waitingforthehappy]

Turning 40.
Recently survived an attempt.

Husband got mother to move in so I am rarely alone. She is keeping me alive, but making me more miserable (which seems to be the pro-lifer attitude - stay alive even if you are miserable ugh.)

Since I got out of the psych ward after my last attempt, my ideation has only gotten stronger.

It's clear how much pain my husband and mother have experienced due to my attempt. They are both very angry. And their anger comes at me. I suspect they are both worried and scared as well.

Another attempt, particularly a successful one, would extraordinarily add to their pain.

While I would like to end my pain, I do not wish to do so at the cost of them.

I have resolved to keep myself alive to avoid hurting them. I have resolved to wait for my natural death.

But I am miserable in this decision. I think about ctb all the time. Even though I am afraid of death and afraid of what might come after. As in, what if the afterlife has more pain. What if even death is not the end of pain?

There is also the possibility that I won't succeed in my next attempt and end up with internal damage like a hole in the stomach.

I am ready for ctb despite my fears. But holding on for the sake of mother and husband. I am hurting all the time. I have grown to resent them for loving me as their "love" is tying me down and forcing me to stay in my unhappy life.

I have all kinds of ridiculous fantasies. My current favorite is telling them that I have cancer, and then ctbing so they think it's the cancer and not being suicidal.

I pray for a terminal illness, yet my body remains stubbornly healthy while my mind is constantly hurting.

I research how to make myself terminally ill. Doesn't seem like terminal illness is a real option.

Sorry to rant. Want to ctb. Need to vent.

 

[little helpers]

Turning 40.
Recently survived an attempt.

Husband got mother to move in so I am rarely alone. She is keeping me alive, but making me more miserable (which seems to be the pro-lifer attitude - stay alive even if you are miserable ugh.)

Since I got out of the psych ward after my last attempt, my ideation has only gotten stronger.

It's clear how much pain my husband and mother have experienced due to my attempt. They are both very angry. And their anger comes at me. I suspect they are both worried and scared as well.

Another attempt, particularly a successful one, would extraordinarily add to their pain.

While I would like to end my pain, I do not wish to do so at the cost of them.

I have resolved to keep myself alive to avoid hurting them. I have resolved to wait for my natural death.

But I am miserable in this decision. I think about ctb all the time. Even though I am afraid of death and afraid of what might come after. As in, what if the afterlife has more pain. What if even death is not the end of pain?

There is also the possibility that I won't succeed in my next attempt and end up with internal damage like a hole in the stomach.

I am ready for ctb despite my fears. But holding on for the sake of mother and husband. I am hurting all the time. I have grown to resent them for loving me as their "love" is tying me down and forcing me to stay in my unhappy life.

I have all kinds of ridiculous fantasies. My current favorite is telling them that I have cancer, and then ctbing so they think it's the cancer and not being suicidal.

I pray for a terminal illness, yet my body remains stubbornly healthy while my mind is constantly hurting.

I research how to make myself terminally ill. Doesn't seem like terminal illness is a real option.

Sorry to rant. Want to ctb. Need to vent.

there's too many ways they'll be able to face the hurt, honestly. of course my emotions' still talking when I see goodbye posts, from those with currently active or now-locked accounts. I think about the people I've interacted with here, how I'd feel if I were to learn, one day, that they're gone. man, it would be a lot. but I can grieve this and, not really "move on" or whatever, but go on. cuz it would torture me to see people who, again not really who's suffering, but who's become jailed in this cage they call life, having nowhere to go, in life or to death.

mentality plays a big role. therapists are selling mentalities to us each day whether it's for our good or our harm, so your family can also grab some.

it's like how my mom can't fucking take it that I'm an addict. well, if you stop demonizing me in your head you'd be much more at peace. now I really wanna say it's her problem that she can't, cuz I put those whole bags of trauma aside and got super patient with her to talk 'bout this, for months. facts and feelings. then at a point I just knew I can't change people if they don't want change. I gotta "want change, live life, get sober" but she can't want no change? sorry, that's really her own shit now. so she gotta deal with it her own ways. unfortunately that just means bouts of rage and constant shaming at me. yeah, "she is making me alive, but more miserable."

I thought about something like this - if I could "miraculously" bring someone who I know ctb'ed back to life, knowing they'd still be in the immense suffering prior to their sucide, at least for a very good while, will I want it?

I'm a huge Elliott Smith person. I've seen a person on here who was also that. Elliott handle, Elliott profile pic, signature was "sweet adeline". man, I'd smile at these words every time I see 'em, name of the song and the fan site. now they're both gone. one was at last month. do I bring either one of these Elliotts back to life?

no. please, no, little helpers. it's just apparent that knife-in-chest was too much for one's consciousness to bear. what doesn't stop people from the pain of death, is that of life.

people cannot accept another's suicide (not that we're begging for whose acceptance), becuz they haven't got time to process it, or they used the time badly when they could. it sounds nuts to me if I were to wake up one day learning that either Elliott was revived through some modern medicine fuckery. I'd prolly even yell at the freaking TV wishing he could just remain dead. or say Ian Curtis. please, I wish his epilepsy torture was actually over then.

and again that's because *I* would have no time to process this piece of alien information. I could, if given time.

it's all object permanence. after a while you just accept that, no questions asked. facts are always acceptable. history stays history. it belongs there.

and maybe they should know that reviving a fully-committed person from suicide only results in them doing it again. they're only traumatizing themselves, *and* that person, even more.

in that long, prolonged, process.

 

[Callie Arcale]

It's like that with people who love you deeply. You cannot do anything without causing them joy or sadness. They are never indifferent.

I find myself in a similar situation, so I understand your sentiments.

 

[FuneralCry]

I can imagine it must be painful to be in this situation. I do understand not wanting to cause pain to others, but I believe we all have a right to exit at a time of our own choosing, and others should respect that. Nobody should be in a position where they feel like they are forced to live. Whatever happens, I wish you the best. I'm sorry you are going through this.