reporting live from the forest

[eggsausagerice]

i am scared, sweaty, and have a sock over my neck. the circumstances should be perfect for my ctb. my head just feels like it's going to explode and pop off my head, though. it genuinely feels unbearable. maybe i'm just fucked. i know the only way i can hang properly is by seeing it through, but it literally hurts so much. i guess that's kind of the point. all the research and knot tying in the world won't make hanging or ctb painful. i could always try again later, but i don't want to. i hate the idea that i can't go through with it, even though that's silly. it feels fucked up to think about going back home, showering, and lying down in my comfy bed.

 

[alwaysalone]

So sorry it's not working. It does fwwl like such a let down and weird when your plans don't work out.

 

[flightless bird]

wish you all the best. don't try to ctb if you're not ready. when you are, you'll know it and you won't hesitate.

ps: i, too, was deep in the woods, miles from civilization, with my SN drink in hand, and i just couldn't do it.

 

[ChainedCrow]

im wishing u good luck and hope u will feel the relieve from the pain and peace u are looking for. If u dont go through it im wishing u have a good sleep no matter how fucked up, painful and silly it sounds. No one will judge you no matter what u decide, wish u all the best.
Much love

 

[Rynalia]

The final moments where you're at the finish line is horrendous. SI is at full throttle and the fact that your mind might be racing everywhere hyper fixating on every little thing is the absolute WORST. I feel you.

You said it yourself, there's always another day. It sucks, it hurts, and it feels like a devastating loss... But it really isn't ever easy to take the last step.

But as said above, when it's time, it'll happen... Just like that.

 

[Kalista]

leave well

 

[gottacheckout]

I've backed away a few times. A lot of us here have. When the time is right, and it still may be tonight, you will know it. Your brain will push through the si or the si won't be there.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm sorry you have to go through this.
Whatever you gonna decide to do I wish you all the best and good luck! We're here for you

 

[Wolf Girl]

There's no shame in aborting an attempt that's causing you suffering for too long to tolerate. The option is still there for another time..

 

[eggsausagerice]

i went back home because i saw an animal wolf thing HAHAHA. i got so scared. it ran away when it saw my flashlight. maybe i can go to a hotel next time, but that'll cost me a pretty penny. it's never going to be fair for me to do it in my house. i wish i could've just gone through with it, but i guess that it's not going to be the first time i do this.

 

[Rynalia]

Sorry it didn't go as you planned monet, but glad you're safe from other stuff at least.

CTB or being completely safe and sound is far better than being injured for some reason out of your control. At least in my opinion.

 

[ChainedCrow]

The most important thing that no dog or wolf attacked you and you are safe, catch some sleep u deserve it. Its good to have you for even a little while longer on the site :)
Much love

 

[darksouls]

I am so sorry you are suffering so much
sending you hugs and love

 

[gottacheckout]

I'm glad you are home safe and sound. When the time is right you will know it.

 

[lifeisbutadream]

Been there done that. More than once. :(

 

[Linda]

The odds are that you saw a dog, not a wolf. Dogs are common. Wolves are rare.

If you are goinng to make another attempt at this you need to plan it carefully. If you succeed in cutting off the blood supply to the brain, by compressing the carotid arteries sufficiently, you will lose consciousness in a few seconds. If not, you will die by strangulation, which is considerably more unpleasant.

 

[eggsausagerice]

i am scared, sweaty, and have a sock over my neck. the circumstances should be perfect for my ctb. my head just feels like it's going to explode and pop off my head, though. it genuinely feels unbearable. maybe i'm just fucked. i know the only way i can hang properly is by seeing it through, but it literally hurts so much. i guess that's kind of the point. all the research and knot tying in the world won't make hanging or ctb painful. i could always try again later, but i don't want to. i hate the idea that i can't go through with it, even though that's silly. it feels fucked up to think about going back home, showering, and lying down in my comfy bed

i want to try again tonight. i'll do it somewhere in my neighborhood so that i don't buy an uber. i just want to succeed. i don't want to practice partial in my room because it just hurts my neck a lot so i need to do full suspension with a tree. i'll continue today like normal.

 

[Worndown]

i am scared, sweaty, and have a sock over my neck. the circumstances should be perfect for my ctb. my head just feels like it's going to explode and pop off my head, though. it genuinely feels unbearable. maybe i'm just fucked. i know the only way i can hang properly is by seeing it through, but it literally hurts so much. i guess that's kind of the point. all the research and knot tying in the world won't make hanging or ctb painful. i could always try again later, but i don't want to. i hate the idea that i can't go through with it, even though that's silly. it feels fucked up to think about going back home, showering, and lying down in my comfy bed.

May I ask about your setup?
Rope type and size?
Knot used?
Feet not touching ground?
How long until you gave up?

 

[eggsausagerice]

May I ask about your setup?
Rope type and size?
Knot used?
Feet not touching ground?
How long until you gave up?

you'll bully me for it lol.

i used a bowline knot for the anchor point and noose knot with a stopper for the noose. was doing partial by kneeling since my feet kept touching the ground when i was trying to do full suspension. felt like i couldn't stop stepping back on the stool. i didn't last very long doing partial (but couldn't tell how long i went, maybe a minute) before my head started hurting a lot and i got up. i changed positions a few times to try and see if i could do it without my head hurting. i was probably in the wrong position and not compressing my carotid enough. i know partial fails pretty often because of that. i had tied my rope to a tree trunk since i couldn't find a low enough tree branch to swing my rope over. i figure if i kept going i would've just suffocated myself instead of went unconscious, which would've sucked.

 

[YandereMikuMistress]

This sounds awful,, in whatever you decide to do I can only wish you best because either way living and dying is painful,, but I hope you find the outcome you're truly looking for, please and I'm with you in whatever you decide just makes sure you do what you yourself want what you need for you, and that doesn't mean you don't need to seek death even if this time didn't go through,, I don't want to take away from your pain anyway this is the most difficult step unfortunately, and I know I'm late to this but I still wanted to leave this message here anyway, "your" desires will be met in whatever way, but I can't lie I tried hanging aswell once and it really is a visceral feeling the struggle is no easy feat, and btw homura X madoka cosplay ¿ Kidding but Ive got a homura cosplay fit, not that I've ever worn it anywhere but I love your PFP MADOKA!!



That's you.

 

[CumbriaCTB]

I can relate to the whole "why am I doing this instead of just lying down in bed?" feeling. If you have any doubts or your SI is too strong, it's best not to go through with a CTB attempt - you did the right thing here.

There's always tomorrow if you still feel like doing it then.

 

[Worndown]

No bullying.
Please check the threads. You ended up trying partial and found why it is very difficult for most.
Seek another location that can better serve your needs.
After that, investigate your knot options.

Everything benefits from a little planning. This is no different.

Ask if/when you have questions.

 

[evanescent_eva]

I'm sorry things didn't work out for you last night, monet. I know how shitty a failed attempt can feel, and it's not silly to hate the idea that you couldn't go through with it (or if it is, then I'm pretty silly too). Hope your day wasn't too stressful, and wishing you a lot of care tonight, no matter how things turn out.