Help relief, but also access/shopping/doctors

[Concorde]

Skip to the end for the help I need shopping.

I'm so relieved kinda. I've known this was the only right answer since I was 10. And since then, almost everything has made that clearer. And even on the best day of my life—maybe especially that day—I remembered I don't belong here, that this planet and I do not like each other, and that it was the most appropriate day to leave. But I was stupid and hopeful.

Here's what I know:

• It's time to go, and it has been since I was way too young
• Every time I look back on the other times in my life where I felt this way, even when I'm not so uncomfortable, I always know that this is the choice I should have made long ago, many times over
• I must not create a playlist because that's a great way for me to postpone and because it implies that the last day should be more important than how I feel then or than how I feel now.
• I must not set a specific date. It will happen when I have enough items to make it happen
• Sometimes doing research is uncomfortable and discouraging. I can postpone the research as often as I want. Soon it will be more uncomfortable and discouraging to avoid it
• Being here is an indignity

The help I need shopping:

• I was close to making a purchase online this evening but then they said my state doesn't allow shipping here. Fuckers. So close.
• God. And then the anti nausea stuff seems nearly impossible to make happen. Fuck. Just let me go, please.

Anyway. I would love some help/DMs. Thank you.
And when I consider that I live near places where people jump, I remember I'm always too afraid.

But whenever the day comes when I have what I need to do this, I will feel relief, joy, and power in a way I never have before. I'll want to go right away. But not so fast that I don't take a couple days to enjoy seeing how close the end is.