Venting relapsing

[heisenberg]

tw ed/sh

i think the one thing that makes me most upset about having bpd is that this disorder is caused by other people. other people in my life who have neglected me, abused me, abandoned me, that left me the way i am. i didn't deserve any of that. i didn't deserve to never get physical affection from my parents. i didn't deserve to be told "don't say anything and go to your room" when i was visibly upset. i didn't deserve to have my parents get mad at me when i told them how i felt. i didn't deserve to have my own mother call me stupid after the one and only time SHE asked ME how i felt. i didn't deserve to be left alone when i struggled. i didn't deserve to be told i'm just "lazy." i didn't deserve for my mom to laugh in my face when she saw my sh scars and said, "are you cutting again." i didn't deserve for my mom to "joke that she could slap my ed out of me." i didn't deserve for my mom to leave smiling and giggling after she dropped me off in the psych hospital and never came to visit me or call me. this all happened when i was 7-17. why would anyone do this to their child? why did i deserve that? why wasn't i ever helped? why did everyone just leave me alone? all i wanted was for someone to be there for me, but no one ever came. no one ever cared how i felt until i tried to ctb. even after that my parents gave up again after i "recovered." no one ever cared about me. none of this is my fault but everyone is able to resume their lives like nothing ever happened but i'm left like this. i've felt entirely unwanted and worthless all my life by people who are supposed to care about me. my family would walk away from me when i'd cry. no one ever came to check on me. i am the timid stray dog on the side of the road going up to people, just wanting to be cared for and saying, "okay, one more time" and it never ends the way i want it to. i wish i could be there for my younger self and tell her she didn't deserve any of that. i wish i could hold her and hug her and comfort her. i wish i could just sit and listen to her more than anything. but she'll never know how any of that feels. she lives inside me. i'm so sorry you were failed by so many people.

just needed to get stuff of my mind, kudos if you made it to the end of this.

 

[halleyscomet]

i completely understand. i think most mental illness/personality disorders are caused by trauma (other people's actions) more than medical professionals would like to admit.

everyone wants to have a view that the world is good, because how are we meant to live otherwise? admitting everything is shit and nothing can be changed is hard to live with.

no one deserves to be neglected, but we still are. all we can do is apologise to ourselves and pray it gives us a sense of justice but it doesn't.

it's an awful thing to go through and i can relate, all we can hope for is for things to get better i suppose even if it's not likely.

i send you and your younger self my love, you've been through a lot and you don't deserve to burden this pain. <3