Venting Relapsing into self hatred

[C:/]

I've been alright for a couple months! I was doing better and not having as many thoughts of ctb. Until tonight. My week was just full of mixed feelings and confusion. I got lectured by my parents for not being motivated and seeming like I'm bored in life. Their solution? Man up. That's all it was. It seems like everyday at this point I am constantly fighting a uphill battle. I can't have a single thought without myself questioning it. The amount of anxiety I have over little things cripples my ability to take action. My parents said that I should get off of my meds and start working out, so I have cancelled my medication for my ADD and my antidepressants. They say I am just lazy, probably what I am anyways. After evaluating my life today, I have come to the conclusion of my entire existence. I'm a 18 year old loser that has potential but is incapable because of his own incompetence. I am unable to get a decent grade in a literature class, how can I do well when I am out of school? I am such a deplorable person irl. My room is a mess of trash, clothes, and random things scattered about the place. I spend hours in my room gaming attempting to escape reality and pushing away my responsibilities. I have vented before about not feeling wanted, but i've made the realization that I am undeserving of it. Who the fuck would want to like, letalone associate with a person like me? I can barely get up and brush my teeth.

Why the fuck can I not achieve anything in my life? I've been told i have 'potential' but I cant take any of that potential. I am stuck feeling bad for myself in my bed and whenever I try to make change I can't commit. I drink, smoke, and if I can't calm down tonight I might just relapse on sh too. I just feel like going out for a drive tonight and smashing my car into a tree without my seatbelt on. I can't wait to lift the burden I put on everyone with my life through ctb. They might not know it but it would be so much better for their mental health finances, etc.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm sorry you have to go through all that shit. Is there anything in your life you'd really like to do?

Ik how it feels when it'd be so much better for everyone else if we were gone already ... same here.

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

Depression often lures us into thinking we are OK and then comes back without warning, and it's awful how parents sometimes lack empathy and understanding.
It's not your fault that you are struggling due to mental health problems, it doesn't make you any less of a person than a so - called normal person.

 

[C:/]

I'm sorry you have to go through all that shit. Is there anything in your life you'd really like to do?

Ik how it feels when it'd be so much better for everyone else if we were gone already ... same here.

After graduating I want to join the military for software development, and maybe after that join a federal agency but with my issues with depression that aspiration was thrown right out the door.

I'm trying my hardest to get better because I really want to go down this path

 

[venin.n]

After graduating I want to join the military for software development, and maybe after that join a federal agency but with my issues with depression that aspiration was thrown right out the door.

I'm trying my hardest to get better because I really want to go down this path

I wish you good luck and succes in this endeavor!