Venting Relapse

[lilli_188]

It's a feeling I haven't felt for over a year now, but I can't bear it any longer. I was forced to throw out all of my good blades last summer and all I could find myself tonight was a lousy razor which I cut up to remove one of the five blades. It isn't very sharp but I can't stand the feeling. It's like an itch that doesn't go away until it's scratched, and once you do you can't stop. I haven't cut myself for almost a year now and I feel so guilty that I'm about to, but part of me feels like I deserve the pain. It's the closest thing I can do to harm myself until I can get a method to ctb.
I want to attempt tonight, but I know it won't work. I don't have any supplies and any method I could try is likely to at most leave me drowsy or in pain at work tomorrow. I hate how hard it is to be put at peace. Why can't people decide to be put to rest? Why do we have to keep going in suffering..

 

[wine is fine but]

try not to do it
you have done so well over the last year
if you absolutely must do it, try to stop as soon as possible
you have been so brave for the last year, and it would be sad for all of your amazing effort go to waste