albert_camus
Absurdist
- Jan 8, 2024
- 43
Hi,
I had a relapse and I haven't self-harmed in so long. I really thought it would get better, that maybe one day I'd want to live for myself, but I think that's totally unrealistic. I don't really know why I'm still going on and I don't really have time for my current very poor mental health because I have all my exams coming up.
I even tried to confide in my mom, but she didn't really show any understanding and well, I could so easily jump off my university and I probably wouldn't survive and everything would finally be over, because apparently I have no chance of recovery.
I always tell myself that I shouldn't die and I should keep living for others, but very few people actually make me feel like I'm adding value to them, let alone that I'm important to them, but maybe I just can't feel it.
Maybe I am allowed to die? Maybe I can end it? Just writing about it feels so good.
Maybe I'll feel a little better tomorrow, or maybe I'll jump tomorrow. Or I'll just carry on as before, as I do every time anew.
Thank you, I'm glad to have this community.
I don't even think I want to write a goodbye letter anymore, I've left so many and to be honest... sometimes I wonder what for...
Many of the ones I mentioned back then don't deserve to be in there in any way.
Deep down I know that I am alone and that the only person who could be there for me is myself, but I have no strength, I am not strong and I have no one to hold me when I can no longer be strong for myself.
Right now I have this incredibly reassuring feeling when you have decided to do it, regardless of whether it actually turns into something. This feeling is accompanied by such liberation and relaxation, I suddenly feel so relieved and everything falls away from me. It doesn't matter whether I have exams or not, it's totally irrelevant whether I would pass them or not, it doesn't matter that I can't do anyone justice and that I'm alone, it doesn't matter that I've been hurt, it suddenly doesn't matter and I no longer feel any pain. Finally.
I had a relapse and I haven't self-harmed in so long. I really thought it would get better, that maybe one day I'd want to live for myself, but I think that's totally unrealistic. I don't really know why I'm still going on and I don't really have time for my current very poor mental health because I have all my exams coming up.
I even tried to confide in my mom, but she didn't really show any understanding and well, I could so easily jump off my university and I probably wouldn't survive and everything would finally be over, because apparently I have no chance of recovery.
I always tell myself that I shouldn't die and I should keep living for others, but very few people actually make me feel like I'm adding value to them, let alone that I'm important to them, but maybe I just can't feel it.
Maybe I am allowed to die? Maybe I can end it? Just writing about it feels so good.
Maybe I'll feel a little better tomorrow, or maybe I'll jump tomorrow. Or I'll just carry on as before, as I do every time anew.
Thank you, I'm glad to have this community.
I don't even think I want to write a goodbye letter anymore, I've left so many and to be honest... sometimes I wonder what for...
Many of the ones I mentioned back then don't deserve to be in there in any way.
Deep down I know that I am alone and that the only person who could be there for me is myself, but I have no strength, I am not strong and I have no one to hold me when I can no longer be strong for myself.
Right now I have this incredibly reassuring feeling when you have decided to do it, regardless of whether it actually turns into something. This feeling is accompanied by such liberation and relaxation, I suddenly feel so relieved and everything falls away from me. It doesn't matter whether I have exams or not, it's totally irrelevant whether I would pass them or not, it doesn't matter that I can't do anyone justice and that I'm alone, it doesn't matter that I've been hurt, it suddenly doesn't matter and I no longer feel any pain. Finally.
Last edited:
