Aura
Member
- Mar 22, 2023
- 38
Ever since my life hit the fan a few years ago I started trying to keep myself isolated from my family somewhat. I mostly avoid talking to them unless I'm spoken to even though I still live with them. At the time I think I wanted to slowly separate myself from them so that if I ever went through with CTB, it would hopefully hurt them a little less, but now years later I just find myself unable to talk to them or even be in the same room as them without feeling awkward or even bad just for burdening them by being there. I don't think I realized just how much it would hurt to try to be kind as possible to them at least in my eyes should I go through with something. Now my solitude just hurts me more, driving me deeper into the hole.
I don't know whether or not I'd change what I resolved to do back then I still care about my family, and its my hope that they don't care about me, or at least not as much anymore. even though I want to make their lives easier I think ive just made them worry about me more which makes sense I guess. At the time when i started isolating I was so deep in depression that I didnt really think things through. All I knew was I wanted to be gone, and to make it as easy for those I cared about as possible. That much hasnt changed years later atleast. Didnt really end up paying off since I havent ctb'd yet, but I guess i'll see soon enough im planning on ctbing within a year anyway. I guess my biggest regret as selfish as it is would be how lonely ive made myself these last few years even if it was out of consideration for people I care about.
Sorry for the rant, I dont really know if this paints a good picture but I needed to vent.
I don't know whether or not I'd change what I resolved to do back then I still care about my family, and its my hope that they don't care about me, or at least not as much anymore. even though I want to make their lives easier I think ive just made them worry about me more which makes sense I guess. At the time when i started isolating I was so deep in depression that I didnt really think things through. All I knew was I wanted to be gone, and to make it as easy for those I cared about as possible. That much hasnt changed years later atleast. Didnt really end up paying off since I havent ctb'd yet, but I guess i'll see soon enough im planning on ctbing within a year anyway. I guess my biggest regret as selfish as it is would be how lonely ive made myself these last few years even if it was out of consideration for people I care about.
Sorry for the rant, I dont really know if this paints a good picture but I needed to vent.
