Recovery Journal

[dustymuck]

Hello :)
I want to recover... I don't have a lot of hope though.
Anyway, I'm going to college.
I'll try to share stuff to motivate myself. And to see my progress.

 

[Zardoz]

Good luck and best wishes for this.
I hope it all works out for you.

 

[bluebook]

im curious to see where this goes

 

[dustymuck]

9 September 2025

Hello :')

I haven't posted anything here for quite a while
I moved into my college dorms 3 days ago...
I've been anxious and scared tbh, this is my first time living far from home... Not that i miss home, it wasn't fun listening to my parents argue for every single thing.
It's just... it feels lonely, extrely lonely. I hate being alone. It eats me up from the inside...
I am not an extrovert of some sort, I don't really know how to hang around with people, make friends and stuff... I don't know, I just hate not having someone to talk to.
My roommate seems like a nice guy, but he doesn't talk much with me. I thought he doesn't like me. But I don't know what I may have done for him to hate me.
I did meet people in college, I just haven't gotten close to anyone yet.
My roommate is meeting a friend he made while I'm typing this. It makes me feel a little sad :( but it's fine.
Doing chores myself is a little difficult I guess... If I don't feel like doing it I feel anxious... I set certain tasks in my mind that I have to do no matter what and when the deadline approaches I feel burdened
But I'll do it.
I feel a little better after typing my feelings out... It feels nice :)
Anyway, I hope that I'll be able to make friends...
I'll be living here for a couple of years probably, if I don't end myself that is...
Aight then I don't think I have anything else to pour out of my mind...
If my English seems weird, I'm sorry, I'll do my best to improve.

Okay byeee <3
Adding to this:
I recently started learning web development
I try to finish little by little everyday
And I'm able to do it
So yay to me :)

 

[Zardoz]

Sounds like things are generally positive, which is good.
Could you suggest to your roommate that you both go out socially, Eg go for a pizza or see a movie or something?
Are there any clubs/societies/activities you can sign up to at the college you attend? Is there a web/software development or computer club there you could join?
Remember that the college is full of people just like you, who've moved far from home and don't know anyone either.
It can be a daunting experience, I know from my time going to University. Hang in there, it does get easier...
Good luck to you.

 

[dustymuck]

Sounds like things are generally positive, which is good.
Could you suggest to your roommate that you both go out socially, Eg go for a pizza or see a movie or something?
Are there any clubs/societies/activities you can sign up to at the college you attend? Is there a web/software development or computer club there you could join?
Remember that the college is full of people just like you, who've moved far from home and don't know anyone either.
It can be a daunting experience, I know from my time going to University. Hang in there, it does get easier...
Good luck to you.

Thanks :)
There's a club but I don't know when the recruitment stuff starts.
I hung out with my roommate and his friends today :)

 

[dustymuck]

27th April 2026

Hello there :'D

It's been 7 months since my last post. I have been very busy with college.
Am lot of things have happened. I'll like to start with the big ones.

I have lost weight. A fucking huge achievement for me cuz I eat when I feel depressed and I feel depressed all the time T_T.
The feeling is amazing I feel like I have increased my lifespan (ik it sounds weird but it actually feels like that)

I haven't become fit but I don't get tired easily anymore. I have been walking a lot. A loooot.
I enjoy it now before I used to hate walking. My chest used to heart after walking a few metres.
Now i can walk more than 5 kms continuously without feeling tired.

Big achievement for me :D

Okay soo, I made friends. More like acquaintances cuz they only message me when they need to get stuff done. I am fortunately not their parent so I don't help them entirely I just do a teeny bit so I can reduce my work in the future as well.

I may sound selfish here but if I do what they want I'll get trampled I am speaking from my experiences in high school T_T.

Oh yeah I hang out with the people in my dorm once a while. They are nice people a little weird but I'm weird as well so it isn't bad.

Oh btw a guy from my dorm found out I fold origami paper airplanes so he took the ones I made and hung it in his room. Kinda cool :).

I have scored well in tests, except one at the beginning and one which was conducted a DfES weeks ago but I cannot do anything about it.
I have a limited brain capacity I'm not going to over burden myself. Btw I'm learning stuff in my own. I am not good at learning things being taught so I just learn stuff my way. It is slow but it is fun.

I do feel lonely once a while. I don't know why. I don't understand this feeling it feels dark and hopeless.
I used to have friends in high school. Well, I thought they were my friends. They stopped talking to me after I attempted suicide. I guess they thought I was seeking for attention or something.

I don't think I can get close with someone tbh I'm not great at interacting with people. There isnt anything I can do about it really.
The only reason people seem to be friendly with me is because I help them.
I have realised as long as I am useful I won't be abandoned.

All these months in college made me realise that I shouldn't give a shit about what people think about me. I only see them during the day.
The only person who lives in my room and sleeps on my bed is me. I should only focus on how I can become a better version of myself and work on it, every single day, one step at a time.

It is a long lonely road but it's fine I don't have anything else to do in life anyway.
I'll just keep walking.

My bad if my English grammer is fucked. It isn't cuz my English is bad it's because I don't talk much IRL T_T. No conversational skills I just grunt or make sounds.

So yeah, thanks for reading :) I don't know when I'll post in the future but I definitely will.