Recovery is Terrifying

[PlasticFace]

I know it sounds stupid but honestly, blowing my head off sounds easier and less scary than recovery.

When suicide is all you've ever known, it's hard to accept that there's other things to life. I dont want to be miserable but just thinking about how much work it'll take to get "better" makes me nauseous. What if I can't do it and then I wasted all that time and energy on nothing?

Is anything actually wrong with me? I don't like living, like a lot of other people. I'm clinically depressed but thats common and not my fault. I've made numerous attempts to CTB but it's not like I'm doing anything wrong.

Is it even worth it? Will I feel any different? I don't want to live my life hoping that I will die anymore. I just don't know if it's worth it to keep living and see if I feel anything else or just get it over with. I wish I could peer into my future and see how I'm doing so I can make my decision now.

Anyone else on the fence like this?

 

[Takamagahara]

I'm almost 30. Most people would call that pretty young. I call it half my life being over.

I'd rather CTB and do a hard reset (if we assume reincarnation is a thing) rather than spend the rest of my life playing catch up to all the years suicidal depression took hold of me.

Next time, just make me born as one of those people who are automatically happy all the time, yeah?

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Maybe this thread would be better posted in the recovery section, so that you could obtain the reassurance and advice you need from those who can more closely relate to your current mindset, as you navigate this important and critical phase in your life?