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GlitterAndBlood

GlitterAndBlood

Member
Feb 27, 2023
10
Here I sit. With bloody thighs and salty tears running down my cheeks.
Why.
Why is recovery so hard? Why can't I seem to recover? Why do I do this to myself? Why am I here?
Why.
That's all I can say - why? Why me?
Today was good, great even. But still I longed for the stinging feeling while my sharp metal blade did it's job. I don't know why.
 
Flores de Abril

Flores de Abril

Member
Mar 8, 2023
27
Recovery is a long and hard road, it is uneven, filled with ups and downs
Don't be hard on yourself for what happened today, the bleeding will stop and the scars will heal
You being able to say that today was a good day is a sign you are in right path, you are doing things you enjoy and truly doing your best, if you weren't getting better you would think that today was a bad or apathetic day as all other days
Sometimes SF can be addicting, it is all about learning how to deal with it just like any other addiction
You will get better, I believe in it :)
 
Remeer

Remeer

-
Mar 8, 2023
85
Who knows? Many times we do these kinds of things, which do not benefit us and even more we know that they destroy us, the issue is to understand the reason why you do it and only you know the answer (even if you do not see it yet)
I can't answer that question, because I don't understand it because I love my body, making assumptions it could be that you don't love your body because of something, who knows? Maybe you compare yourself to other people
You could write what happens to you, the most internal, obviously not here, but in a notebook and at some point the reason will appear, you will see it and you will be able to act on it.
be calm, they are things that happen, greetings
 
Sulyya

Sulyya

Synergist
Mar 6, 2023
423
Recovery can mean a lot of things, for what it looks like when starting out and also what the goal is. Starting on recovery can involve selfharm but hopefully you can replace that with something stress relieving but not dangerous or damaging!

The goal should be reasonable. Making a life with a few blessings that you can appreciate. Bad things don't stop happening, including bad memories but helping your mind appreciate the good is a key goal, I think.
 
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Mimi_

Mimi_

I only deserve to suffer
Mar 10, 2023
168
Don't force too much yourself, could lead to more suffer. Sometimes life is just not meant for some of us
 
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Seven Threads

Seven Threads

Iterator
Mar 5, 2023
95
Hello there, GlitterAndBlood. It seems like you're having a really rough time with your recovery. It's awful that you have to feel this way, and I understand that you're both hurt and confused about not being able to escape from these feelings. I wish I had an easy solution for you, but I don't. I don't know how to make it any easier. But maybe I can at least attempt to answer your question.

Why.

This is a very difficult question to answer. There can be any number of reasons why recovery can be really hard for certain people. It could be that perhaps you do not have the resources you actually need in order to make progress. Some people don't have access to medications or mental health services they require. Some don't have the linds of social support networks or people they can trust and who understand them. Sometimes there's just too much hurt, and it needs to be felt and lived through and dealt with before you can move on. Or it could be something else. You may not even be able to recognize a need that is not being met, and therefore unable to even begin to tru and fill it.

Another thing that can make recovery extremely difficult has to do with neural plasticity. Your brain is a double edged sword: it is capable of learning and changing and adapting, but it also really likes to stick to what it knows. The human psyche tends to cling to solutions that have worked for it before or provided some relief. And when those solutions are self-harm, there is a natural tendency to continue to do so once the behavior has solidified itself. And it's not just behaviors: thoughts work that way as well, our outlooks and mindsets. If we think of ourselves a certain way or see the world a certain way, that can become habit, and very difficult to escape from even when our circumstances change. We are creatures of pattern, and established patterns are very difficult to break.

It is also possible that there is something else underlying it all. Many people with mental health struggles, whether consciously or otherwise, internalize this idea that their suffering is somehow their own fault. They feel broken, worthless, or selfish. Some hate themselves for struggling or hurting in the first place, or for not being able to handle things or recover or be 'normal'. This is extremely common, and extremely hurtful and devastating. I can't say for sure from where I sit, but it feels to me from what you said that you may be blaming yourself for still struggling and not being able to get better. Don't. You are a human person, experiencing pain that you don't know how to process, trying to dig yourself out of a hole that you don't know how to escape. No one should be blamed for drowning, least of all by their own self.

The most important thing to remember here is in the title of your own post. Recovery is hard. It is hard. And it's going to be harder for some than others. You can't blame or crucify yourself for struggling. You can only keep trying to hold on, finding little ways to try and get through it as best you can.

And if you have to hurt yourself to make it through sometimes, then maybe that's what you need right now. It isn't ideal, but it's worth acknowledging when it's something you really need at the time, accepting that, and trying not to blame yourself for it. There is a kindness that you can do for yourself in allowing yourself that, and recognizing that it doesn't make you a bad person, or a failure, or a broken human being. It just makes you a person who is suffering, caught in a pattern of response that helps you to feel better for a bit, because that's what your brain has to work with right now. Perhaps that one kindness can go a little way to helping you find a way through this.

And if that fails, you have this community here. None of these people will judge you for what you're going through, and we'll all do our best to provide you with what you need to address these feelings and maybe get to a place where you can feel a little more at peace. Whatever form that takes.
 
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