Help how 2 not hate urself

[3spiral]

I know this is extremely bad written I'm not really known for thinking much before writing something but let's go

so like I'm here to ask if anybody knows how to stop hating yourself and push into your brain a fucking normal consciousness and sense of self. ok I know this isn't actually possible because I know I'm not normal and I will be forever weird I just want to be able to live my life even so. I'm gonna like list stuff that I hate about myself to see if anyone has advice over them

I HATE seeing myself in photos and videos. I don't think I'm pretty but I'm also probably not like super ugly but OH MY GOD WHY AM I SO WEIRD I ALWAYS HAVE THE WEIRDEST POSE OR EXPRESSION ON MY FACE? idk why cant I just stand like a normal human cus first of all I can't stand still like EVER I gotta be either moving my fingers, feet, legs or scratching myself or something and that looks weird and I can't control it + I'm overexpressive with my face and my body so idk I always look stupid. I know this is not a huge thing at all but the actual issue is that I feel stupid while standing or talking to other people because I'm so conscious about how I might be looking to them and I also avoid photos and videos at all costs because I know I'm gonna look so ridiculous somehow I hate hate hate seeing myself why do I have to exist in a physical way. but like I can't be running around trying to avoid every camera when hanging out around people who feel the need to record everythingggg it makes me really really stressed out

also I'm just bad at socializing I'm crazy and stupid and I'm gonna say or do something wrong eventually I have NO CLUE of what to do most of the times. I can kind of force myself to "perform" a little in a way I see other people doing but it's so exhausting and I get so jealous when I see people being spontaneous in an acceptable way. how do you even DO that how do you look so RELAXED how does your brain even WORK?! I mean people actually enjoy ts??? wtf

also idk I just don't pay attention to anything when I say anything it's really reallybarely anything. I'm zoned out like 90% of my time and then I come back if something seems interesting enough but I don't really control what my stupid brain finds interesting enough for my attention and that's SO annoying so I end up missing on things that are just common knowledge because I wasn't paying attention or I wasn't just "here" enough to care about anything. I don't know, I just suck at "real world"

another thing is that I'm just embarassed of everything in general. I'm embarassed of showing my style, speaking, minor things, existing, thinking the way I do. I think that everything I do is embarassing or wrong. even if these things sound small, they feel really big to me because it feels like I shouldn't be this way. and this holds me back so so much I just wish I could have a life without constantly believing that everyone hates me for no reason and considers me to be basically like a subhuman, it makes me terrified of just being

 

[EmptyBottle]

Mmmm, sometimes I feel sliiightly similar.

What may help is practising attention to the environment vs one's reactions (gradually), deep breaths to stay calm (which might help), and taking breaks to ensure one doesn't feel burnt out. Swapping video for voice interactions where possible (and in-person it could mean sitting in the back seat vs front seat if possible) may help too.

As for stimulation when being still, slowly moving one's thumb across one's index finger might help, while being subtle.

As for avoiding non-needed cameras, indeed, people should be more courteous when filming an area, ensuring that others aren't too close to the camera, etc. No idea if one could choose to go to a less crowded area or not, or stay away from the crowded sections of a crowd, etc.