jazpers
Isopod
- May 21, 2026
- 2
This is going to be my first real post on this website, so I'm gonna use it build on the glimmer of hope I found that made me rethink recovery.
In recent years I had been hopeless about dealing with my mental health, even after going through a little out patient period. It felt fake, and it still feels fake having suicidal thoughts and feelings, like if I'm not actively planning to CTB then this problem is of little concern to the mental health system, my support systems, and even myself, but if I am at a point in my life that is near crisis territory, well then there is nothing that those system can do to save me.
Meanwhile in real world, I live in faint dysfunction, seems I lack the traits that help most working class people put up with all this shit in the first place. In me there exist no ambition to earn a high paying job, to obtain any sort of status, or kick it with a domestic partner/start a family. So it seems only fair for someone like me, who developed without any of the necessary qualities to be a good contributing citizen, should be allowed to exit the world in a peaceful accessible manner. To even have medical assistance in doing so, since maybe a structure like that would make our institutions reevaluate the environment causing these seekers to pick death over the gift of life.
I havent made up my mind on whether I can fully commit to recovery as of now. Since I'm here anyway, I tell myself can use it as a way to buy myself some time because, it is actually really hard to die these days, low access or high level of pajn,and with my parents seeming disapproval of the inaction taking place while I live with them, I just need a little more time to buy my perferred suicide kit.
Things as they are in america don't look too good for my generation, if people who are college educated and high achieving are reporting problems with the job market and cost of living and housing, what am I to make of that as a drop out. Even alternative living seems dead and it still relies on the same post industrial infrastructure.
So what if this stagnation and decline is the normal for an uncomfortably long amount of time? well I don't have a good answer, maybe sleeping it all away and going through life like a zombie is one option, but an idea I've latched onto while listening to a mental health video essay by Call Me Dee! on youtube is recovery can take a long time. Processing trauma can take decades, maybe even a whole lifetime, and for some reason hearing that message conveyed by her just made something click. Maybe I wasn't as big of a failure as I thought I was. I can pursue recovery resources while accepting that I may never fully be healed. Even if I have to spend the rest of my days finding new ways of coping with a specific time in my life, thats still something. I feel like this is the only way I can justify my own personal lack of progression in life. I'm just slow at recovering and this is a nonlinear process.
I'm feel reluctant to commit to life without a suicide kit. SI has been the way I've always coped. telling myself it will be over soon, and that I wont force myself to take more then I can bear. But there's something about hearing the words of other survivors, not being perfectfully recovered all the time but still working to inspiring others. Some stuff for me to think about.
In recent years I had been hopeless about dealing with my mental health, even after going through a little out patient period. It felt fake, and it still feels fake having suicidal thoughts and feelings, like if I'm not actively planning to CTB then this problem is of little concern to the mental health system, my support systems, and even myself, but if I am at a point in my life that is near crisis territory, well then there is nothing that those system can do to save me.
Meanwhile in real world, I live in faint dysfunction, seems I lack the traits that help most working class people put up with all this shit in the first place. In me there exist no ambition to earn a high paying job, to obtain any sort of status, or kick it with a domestic partner/start a family. So it seems only fair for someone like me, who developed without any of the necessary qualities to be a good contributing citizen, should be allowed to exit the world in a peaceful accessible manner. To even have medical assistance in doing so, since maybe a structure like that would make our institutions reevaluate the environment causing these seekers to pick death over the gift of life.
I havent made up my mind on whether I can fully commit to recovery as of now. Since I'm here anyway, I tell myself can use it as a way to buy myself some time because, it is actually really hard to die these days, low access or high level of pajn,and with my parents seeming disapproval of the inaction taking place while I live with them, I just need a little more time to buy my perferred suicide kit.
Things as they are in america don't look too good for my generation, if people who are college educated and high achieving are reporting problems with the job market and cost of living and housing, what am I to make of that as a drop out. Even alternative living seems dead and it still relies on the same post industrial infrastructure.
So what if this stagnation and decline is the normal for an uncomfortably long amount of time? well I don't have a good answer, maybe sleeping it all away and going through life like a zombie is one option, but an idea I've latched onto while listening to a mental health video essay by Call Me Dee! on youtube is recovery can take a long time. Processing trauma can take decades, maybe even a whole lifetime, and for some reason hearing that message conveyed by her just made something click. Maybe I wasn't as big of a failure as I thought I was. I can pursue recovery resources while accepting that I may never fully be healed. Even if I have to spend the rest of my days finding new ways of coping with a specific time in my life, thats still something. I feel like this is the only way I can justify my own personal lack of progression in life. I'm just slow at recovering and this is a nonlinear process.
I'm feel reluctant to commit to life without a suicide kit. SI has been the way I've always coped. telling myself it will be over soon, and that I wont force myself to take more then I can bear. But there's something about hearing the words of other survivors, not being perfectfully recovered all the time but still working to inspiring others. Some stuff for me to think about.
