takuyangel
[ communist daughter ]
- Feb 19, 2025
- 100
i've been absent from here for a little bit, and fittingly, my 100th post on here will be my first one on the recovery forum.
i think i've figured out that the version of myself i've been waiting for is never going to come. and after attempting through partial hanging/OD last month, i think it's time for me to just accept the reality of my situation.
the hardest part in letting go of ctb is that feeling of it'll have been all for nothing. all the pain that you inflicted on yourself and others, all the trauma, every conversation and thought pattern that you ever had which led you to the version of yourself who you are now, the idea of it all being justified, not being left in vain, that it could all turn into a pretty story, with beginning and end, if only you just step over the edge. but to reject that finale almost feels like betraying yourself. and the grim reality that so many of us are trying to run away from is i think, is that there's no one who's to blame but yourself.
i could probably self loathe myself until i'm on my death bed, there's no incentive for me to recover for myself. but in the wake of my self-destructive rage i've awoken to nearly every single relationship i'd had be left in ruins. and i'm just sick and tired of hurting and disappointing people. i have issues with substance abuse, i'm about to get fired, i've gotten kicked out of the place i lived in with my childhood friends, and i'm about to see a judge for two counts of schedule 1 drug possession. and sometimes, either by myself or among others, i just get really sad. but that's it. done. i'll feel any way i want to feel, i'll acknowledge it, and then move on.
there was truly no way out of this pit other than killing myself, so i did. the version of me from the past three years, obsessed with tragedy and instability, someone who never fully acknowledged his transition into adulthood, the bully who would seldom go after peace and stability because it would mean losing the part of me who made me interesting. in full part, a loser. so i think i've played the bit long enough lmao. so here i currently am, alone, and happy, presently, with the idea of moving on. i've picked up old hobbies such as painting and walking, i've been sober for roughly a week, and i'm 2-3 weeks clean from SH. i finally took down the ties on my clothes rod yesterday that i'd used to try to PH, i've been praying a lot, and i've been wanting to cry a lot as well lol. it's really scary sometimes, i just get uncertain about the future and doubt if i can really move past this pain i've attached myself to for so long. but i know that recovery isn't linear, and sometimes it's gonna hurt a lot. it's supposed to.
if anyone's reading this who's also going on the path of recovery, either just recently or for a while, thank you for finally choosing you. maybe this life shit really does get better lol
i think i've figured out that the version of myself i've been waiting for is never going to come. and after attempting through partial hanging/OD last month, i think it's time for me to just accept the reality of my situation.
the hardest part in letting go of ctb is that feeling of it'll have been all for nothing. all the pain that you inflicted on yourself and others, all the trauma, every conversation and thought pattern that you ever had which led you to the version of yourself who you are now, the idea of it all being justified, not being left in vain, that it could all turn into a pretty story, with beginning and end, if only you just step over the edge. but to reject that finale almost feels like betraying yourself. and the grim reality that so many of us are trying to run away from is i think, is that there's no one who's to blame but yourself.
i could probably self loathe myself until i'm on my death bed, there's no incentive for me to recover for myself. but in the wake of my self-destructive rage i've awoken to nearly every single relationship i'd had be left in ruins. and i'm just sick and tired of hurting and disappointing people. i have issues with substance abuse, i'm about to get fired, i've gotten kicked out of the place i lived in with my childhood friends, and i'm about to see a judge for two counts of schedule 1 drug possession. and sometimes, either by myself or among others, i just get really sad. but that's it. done. i'll feel any way i want to feel, i'll acknowledge it, and then move on.
there was truly no way out of this pit other than killing myself, so i did. the version of me from the past three years, obsessed with tragedy and instability, someone who never fully acknowledged his transition into adulthood, the bully who would seldom go after peace and stability because it would mean losing the part of me who made me interesting. in full part, a loser. so i think i've played the bit long enough lmao. so here i currently am, alone, and happy, presently, with the idea of moving on. i've picked up old hobbies such as painting and walking, i've been sober for roughly a week, and i'm 2-3 weeks clean from SH. i finally took down the ties on my clothes rod yesterday that i'd used to try to PH, i've been praying a lot, and i've been wanting to cry a lot as well lol. it's really scary sometimes, i just get uncertain about the future and doubt if i can really move past this pain i've attached myself to for so long. but i know that recovery isn't linear, and sometimes it's gonna hurt a lot. it's supposed to.
if anyone's reading this who's also going on the path of recovery, either just recently or for a while, thank you for finally choosing you. maybe this life shit really does get better lol
