Reasons why you postpone ctb?

[idontwantthisplease]

was planning to do it this september, but there's a higher chance of delay because I still don't have the guts to do it. Finding and ordering SN takes a lot of time too.

 

[DoubleYefreitor]

Sibling would be sad and put in a bad financial situation. Fear. Finding the means to ctb and have a high certainty of sucess is really hard and I'm not good at doing hard things.

 

[rottenbeing]

was planning to do it this september, but there's a higher chance of delay because I still don't have the guts to do it. Finding and ordering SN takes a lot of time too.

Same. Desperately wanted to CTB this September. But faced with some predicaments. Gotta sort them out. Also sorting out the CTB methods and ingredients is the most difficult part. Will see how it all pans out. I just wanna leave.

 

[Nat.]

Fear of the pain or of ending up worse, guilt about abandoning my cats. Sometimes I distract myself with the inertia of life; I think that's why I've held on for so long.

 

[unluckysadness]

Because my sick brain has always some reasons to postone it.

 

[enne]

my cat, and yall.

 

[endlesschatter]

If i have a method, there's no reason why I'll postpone it. I'm tired of life.
At the most, i may think of my parents that they shouldn't feel the loss of pain.. That's one reason why i can possibly delay it. But let's see. If i have a bigger reason to die, i would not delay

 

[cyborgflamjam]

Paperwork and taxes. Expensive to disappear

 

[helena.]

Partly because of my dog, partly because I'm afraid of ordering SN and having police at my door. Still trying to find a legit way to get hold of it, but struggling as the laws here are mega-strict

 

[Forveleth]

I am waiting for my subconscious to be on the same wavelength as me before I attempt again. I am in limbo until that happens.

 

[IwantAexit]

because all chemicals recommended here, are not available in this country, guns are not available for me due to my medical report, stop eating and drinking is a no method, then the "machine" that I explained the other day needs a house alone, and needs knowledge of welding and I don't have those two things for now

 

[macaroni2445]

i dont want to write any letters but i guess i have to

 

[Mr.Ruben]

I've tried for years to help people that where lost, losing myself over what I'd consider "little problems" feels disgusting to me.

 

[valar_morghulis21]

was planning to do it this september, but there's a higher chance of delay because I still don't have the guts to do it. Finding and ordering SN takes a lot of time too.

My mom is still alive. She's 60. I can't do this to her right now. Also lack the means

 

[mmoebread]

i wanted to do it in september too but i have group projects and it would be really awkward for them i'm waiting till winter break hopefully

 

[TimeTraveling4]

I don't have antiemetics

 

[itsgone2]

I can only assume SI. I hate my life. Zero reason to stay. Gun is here. Thought I'd have impulsively used it by now

 

[w1dow]

A lot of times i decide on ctb one night in desperation, realize I can't do it because I need to plan and prepare, then fall asleep and wake up feeling normal. I have lots of things going for me but in the moment it feels like none of it matters. It just feels odd. I wish things would just be worse for me so i could definitively ctb or that they would just be better and I can stop feeling so suicidal. But instead im in this middle space where i have an equal amount of things going for me and working against me.

 

[idontwantthisplease]

My mom is still alive. She's 60. I can't do this to her right now. Also lack the means

Funny enough as a 19 yr old with parents that are 60 plus, being a menopausal baby makes me wanna ctb more

 

[maggineko]

was planning to do it this september, but there's a higher chance of delay because I still don't have the guts to do it. Finding and ordering SN takes a lot of time too.

Master procrastinator

"Wait, there's a gig I wanna go to. Okay, next month."
"I can't afford the materials. Maybe in 2 months."
"I'm too lazy to even get up. Tomorrow?"
"Aghh, I already scheduled a hangout with my friend. Okay, next week."

 

[idontwantthisplease]

i wanted to do it in september too but i have group projects and it would be really awkward for them i'm waiting till winter break hopefully

I was like that too when I was still in university. Now that I'm a drop out, I finally had the freedom to plan my ctb method.

Master procrastinator

"Wait, there's a gig I wanna go to. Okay, next month."
"I can't afford the materials. Maybe in 2 months."
"I'm too lazy to even get up. Tomorrow?"
"Aghh, I already scheduled a hangout with my friend. Okay, next week."

I'm a procrastinator too. In my case, it revolves around doing art commissions where I delay working on the comm after the client pays me.

I'll be like "I'll start doing the sketch tommorow" then I proceed to deliver the sketch a week or a month later lmao

 

[diealegend24]

was planning to do it this september, but there's a higher chance of delay because I still don't have the guts to do it. Finding and ordering SN takes a lot of time too.

I have to find somewhere I'll never be found. That's the only way.

 

[endeledestein]

cowardice...

 

[abandonedlilac]

was planning to do it this september, but there's a higher chance of delay because I still don't have the guts to do it. Finding and ordering SN takes a lot of time too.

Money.

 

[hangtime1000]

figuring where my body should be found - thats the rot cause of the delay

 

[abstractcat7]

Fear, SI, and the pain of there still being so many things I want, want to do, and want to experience. It's not like I'll get to do 99% of those things even if I worked my ass off though, so it's a weird hang up. So much unfairness my mind refuses to accept deep down.

I fucking hate myself and it makes me feel so much shame and embarrassment for not just doing it already. Every time I starting thinking about it, or every time I start trying to initiate the steps/process, I just can't continue. The more I think about that and my inability to follow through, the stronger the urges and desire becomes. I keeping telling myself how fucking simple, quick, and easy it is. I just wish I could do it. I'm so stressed out and depressed that I am literally starving. Not even from lack of access to food, I just got groceries a couple days ago.

A lot of the responses here resonate with me, or used to resonate with me. There was a time where I kept procrastinating and there was something coming up I had to or wanted to do and I would hold out till that, then I either couldn't do it or something else would pop up and give my mind another excuse to latch on to. Now I don't have those anymore. The first time I made a genuinely serious plan with a concrete date, I was filled with so much urgency that I made a lot more art and finished a lot more WIP art pieces than I ever had before. Sometimes I think about destroying all my stuff and all my art before CTBing, but I've never been able to follow through and can't risk destroying one of the very, very few good things in my life only to be unable to do it. I'm attached to the things I've created. They only have worth and value to me and me alone.

CBTing is unfair. I can't stand unfairness. This world is so shit, and so many of the people in it are so horrible and awful, and my only reasonable way to escape the suffering is to die? That's fucking bullshit. Nobody should be in this situation. I can't stand the unfairness. The deepest part of my mind wants to push back against the unfairness. A Sisyphean task. I'm never going to change the world, most of the people far better and far better off than me never will either. Most people treat me like an idiot for pointing out how stupid, unfair, and awful so many things are. They would rather I shut the fuck up and pretend everything is amazing and wonderful and awesome and a fairytale. I understand how doomed this world is, I just wish my subconscious would get the memo and accept it.

I am waiting for my subconscious to be on the same wavelength as me before I attempt again. I am in limbo until that happens.

Yeah, basically this. I'm at war with my subconscious. Stupid piece of shit doesn't care how miserable I am, only that I can still suffer, just like most of the people I've had the displeasure of having in my life. Being alone, utterly alone, with no friends and no family at all, is a living hell. Realizing this is the life I get to have, this is the health and mental health I will always be stuck with... it really makes me even more disgusted with myself and my existence for not being able to do it.

Holy shit words cannot express how fucking ashamed and angry I am. I think I'm getting there, I hope I'm getting there, every day is a genuine fucking nightmare for me. I don't even know how to explain this to other people, nobody gives a shit. Nobody, even professionals, seem to understand the depth of the pain. I wish I could figure out how to overcome the last bit of hesitance. I feel embarrassed talking about this shit and saying all this, but I also feeling a burning desperation to talk about it. I tried starting therapy again, and I finally found a therapist I don't hate, but what the fuck good is therapy? It's good for increasing monthly expenses. Can't talk about the things I can say here with them, and they can't help me anyway. Pretty sure I'm far beyond help at this point. Sorry for adding a wall of text to this thread.

 

[khora]

Frankly not only my own disillusionment; but because my life has been perpetuated within a cycle I've never gotten a chance to break; my reason is a contingent, but regardless I despise life entirely & consider myself nihilest; it's that way for me to openly rationalize it and the circumstances that create it insofar as i continue to live.
I have a chance to also close my eyes too; so what's left is deeply interchangeable during different situations and altering circumstances apart of the whole to me.
I've experienced little yet I seek to experience more; even if these things are utterly pointless. To me the breaking point is the goal, because i know regardless im going to do it and everything's going to end. There is no beginning to me.

 

[infinitesimal]

my dog

 

[lifesnotfair]

Wanted to be gone by August but it seems my antiemetic got lost in transit so I have to reorder. I also got lazy and didn't pick up my benzos (pharmacy only holds it for a certain amount of time). Gonna have to visit my psychiatrist again