Venting reason to ctb

[houseonpants]

i don't really have a reason to ctb. there was a trigger for my first attempt but now it's just the idea of having to live life like nothing has happened. i can't do that yk. i don't want to go back to living normally. but do i even want to ctb? or do i just want to be taken care of in a psych ward. ngl it's pretty peaceful in there and all the nurses are nice. but i hate how i feel after discharge. it makes me feel worse and even more disconnected from the world.

i wouldn't mind being in a coma. as long as i don't have to make decisions for myself. i just want someone to tell me what to do. what to feel. what to wear. what to eat. what to think..