Help Really struggling with hanging because of the SI

[computersrfun]

I have the perfect setup- an abandoned bridge that no one ever visits anymore and is completely blocked off so you'd have to know where it is to see it. There are so many anchor points and no one would bother me, and I got the perfect rope for it today. My problem is just that I can't seem to get over the SI that kicks in when I have my neck in the damn noose and I just stand there for what feels like hours at a time looking at the ground going "this is gonna hurt, this is way too scary," instead of simply stepping off my chair.

Very frustrating because I *know* I want to ctb, I have tons of reasons and even made a pros and cons list, and I think about it constantly until my necks in the fucking noose. I've exhausted my research on this shit, I already tried buying SN which was my first method of choice and got scammed, don't have anything to anchor myself with in my apartment with partial. I'm considering just taking like 6 Hydroxyzine at once and letting it kick in and seeing if that'll help. I can't stand another day of living, I need to do this soon.

edit:
Added socks as per some advice I saw on here earlier, maybe it'd be easier if I made myself pass out first like in the partial method, then I'd hang while unconscious?

 

[abirbul60024]

+bump

 

[FutureHanger]

I don't think you wrap the socks connected to the rope you just put noose on your neck then after put socks over where your carotid is

 

[computersrfun]

I don't think you wrap the socks connected to the rope you just put noose then after put socks over where your carotid is

Thanks!

 

[conflagration]

Most people ctb while being drunk or under of influence of other drugs that can override si

 

[computersrfun]

Most people ctb while being drunk or under of influence of other drugs that can override si

Thanks! I have just enough money for alcohol and I have a whole bottle of Hydroxyzine. Last time I took 4 hydros and just fell asleep before I got back to the bridge. Hopefully I can ctb before the end of March if I keep pushing myself.

 

[Judah]

I'm sorry you're going through this, personally I would first look for some way to block or inhibit the SI, in my case I think alcohol could work for me.
I wish you the best no matter what you decide

 

[computersrfun]

A hangman's noose only works properly when a lot of force goes through it due to it being a long drop. The noose has to be stronger which is why its wrapped around it. A slip knot can shape itself to your neck better which increases your chance of dying. Of you're doing partial though then you should practice as thisogjt not work. Partial is hard.

Thank you so much for the info. That makes total sense, will fix it to the slip knot ASAP. Might practice partial a few times tonight and see if I prefer it over full suspension.

I'm sorry you're going through this, personally I would first look for some way to block or inhibit the SI, in my case I think alcohol could work for me.
I wish you the best no matter what you decide

Thank you so much. Alcohol definitely seems the way to do it from what people say. I wish you the best too. <3

 

[kambroov]

OK, a few things:

1. I've also thought about going unconscious while I'm on the stool, so that I fall off. But it seems like that might be a problem. Normally you just kick the stool and you drop a few centimetres. But if you fall unconscious, you'll actually *fall* off the stool and there'll be a pretty violent tug on your neck. Do you know what I mean? I'm just thinking about this too.

2. Someone said that what you tied is a hangman's noose, and that what you should tie instead is a slip knot. Well, here's a tutorial that I have seen others on here link as a "slip knot." To mean, it looks just like a hangman's noose, except it's "wrapped around" less times. Am I wrong?

3. Be careful not to get too drunk, as you might lose your balance on the stool before the rope is properly around your neck.

 

[computersrfun]

OK, a few things:

1. I've also thought about going unconscious while I'm on the stool, so that I fall off. But it seems like that might be a problem. Normally you just kick the stool and you drop a few centimetres. But if you fall unconscious, you'll actually *fall* off the stool and there'll be a pretty violent tug on your neck. Do you know what I mean? I'm just thinking about this too.

2. Someone said that what you tied is a hangman's noose, and that what you should tie instead is a slip knot. Well, here's a tutorial that I have seen others on here link as a "slip knot." To mean, it looks just like a hangman's noose, except it's "wrapped around" less times. Am I wrong?

3. Be careful not to get too drunk, as you might lose your balance on the stool before the rope is properly around your neck.

Thanks so much for all the information!! Def won't be TOO wasted then. I've converted it already to a slip knot. Here's a pic of my setup, ain't it pretty!! I just step off the chunk of concrete under my knot. Now to get some alcohol and some benzos, please wish me luck everyone because I keep pussying out.

 

[dogbreath]

what kind of rope is that if u dont mind me asking ;0; ? rlly admire your setup btw,, i wish u good luck!!!

 

[kambroov]

Thanks so much for all the information!! Def won't be TOO wasted then. I've converted it already to a slip knot. Here's a pic of my setup, ain't it pretty!! I just step off the chunk of concrete under my knot. Now to get some alcohol and some benzos, please wish me luck everyone because I keep pussying out.

Good luck. By the way, I thought you were using a chair, you switched to the concrete?

 

[computersrfun]

what kind of rope is that if u dont mind me asking ;0; ? rlly admire your setup btw,, i wish u good luck!!!

Tysm!! Good luck to you too! And it's a braided polypropylene rope!

Good luck. By the way, I thought you were using a chair, you switched to the concrete?

Yeah, didn't feel like lugging the chair out with me each time when I have a better platform right underneath. Thank you for wishing me luck!

 

[kambroov]

Here's an idea that might help with SI: Keep a knife in your pocket so that if it somehow goes wrong, you can cut yourself free and save yourself. It should help alleviate anxiety about it going wrong.

 

[computersrfun]

Here's an idea that might help with SI: Keep a knife in your pocket so that if it somehow goes wrong, you can cut yourself free and save yourself. It should help alleviate anxiety about it going wrong.

That's a great tip!! Thanks so much. Will do this

 

[kambroov]

That's a great tip!! Thanks so much. Will do this

Glad you found it helpful. Because you know, there's always the fear of somehow not cutting off the blood flow and suffocating to death, which would be horrific. So the knife in the pocket solves that problem.

 

[kambroov]

When are you planning on doing it?

 

[computersrfun]

When are you planning on doing it?

I'm not sure. I keep losing my nerve when I step up onto the concrete and put my neck in. I hope to go before the end of March, because I can't handle life anymore - when I'm not actively pussying out, I'm just at home fantasizing about killing myself, watching videos of people hanging themselves, reading these threads, etc.
I can barely sleep or eat, have no interest in doing anything, lay in bed all day feeling apathetic, I've stopped going to classes and therapy, I'm at my fucking wits end but can't seem to find the courage to do what I obsess about all day. It's driving me crazy.

 

[kambroov]

I'm not sure. I keep losing my nerve when I step up onto the concrete and put my neck in. I hope to go before the end of March, because I can't handle life anymore - when I'm not actively pussying out, I'm just at home fantasizing about killing myself, watching videos of people hanging themselves, reading these threads, etc.
I can barely sleep or eat, have no interest in doing anything, lay in bed all day feeling apathetic, I've stopped going to classes and therapy, I'm at my fucking wits end but can't seem to find the courage to do what I obsess about all day. It's driving me crazy.

It seems like maybe you want your pain to end and for your problems to go away, but you don't actually want to die.

 

[computersrfun]

It seems like maybe you want your pain to end and for your problems to go away, but you don't actually want to die.

Maybe. That sounds accurate. But I'm probably going to keep trying to hang myself and fighting with the SI. I have this unrealistic fantasy that it'll just magically stop appearing and I can die peacefully and embrace death. I've made up my mind completely that death would be easier on me and healing for the people I've hurt. I also think it's more anxiety about failure that stops me - becoming a vegetable would make me more of a burden than I already am.

 

[kambroov]

Maybe. That sounds accurate. But I'm probably going to keep trying to hang myself and fighting with the SI. I have this unrealistic fantasy that it'll just magically stop appearing and I can die peacefully and embrace death. I've made up my mind completely that death would be easier on me and healing for the people I've hurt.

Well I can't talk you out of it, but I'll just say that your situation is different from mine, in that I have a genetic condition that makes my life a misery, and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it, and it'll stay with me for my entire life. Your situation seems a bit more "in the moment", like a current crisis, rather than something permanent (I mean, I doubt you'll care about this person or they care about you a few years from now), but I'm not one to judge.

 

[computersrfun]

Well I can't talk you out of it, but I'll just say that your situation is different from mine, in that I have a genetic condition that makes my life a misery, and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it, and it'll stay with me for my entire life. Your situation seems a bit more "in the moment", like a current crisis, rather than something permanent, but I'm not one to judge.

I'm sorry you're suffering. I also deal with a painful chronic illness and multiple severe mental illnesses that are ruining my quality of life that I can't afford to treat living in the US. I am going through a lot of things I don't share publically. I don't think it's a competition or that one of us deserves to be suicidal more than the other. I hope you can find peace no matter your decision, you don't deserve to suffer.

 

[kambroov]

I'm sorry you're suffering. I also deal with a painful chronic illness and multiple severe mental illnesses that are ruining my quality of life that I can't afford to treat living in the US. I am going through a lot of things I don't share publically. I don't think it's a competition or that one of us deserves to be suicidal more than the other. I hope you can find peace no matter your decision, you don't deserve to suffer.

I see, I thought it was purely just about a guy, in which case I would say you will get over that with time. But I see you have other problems too. I wish you the best, whether you choose to live or die. Please keep us updated if you do decide to make another attempt.

 

[waterrrrrrrrrbottel]

I'm not sure. I keep losing my nerve when I step up onto the concrete and put my neck in. I hope to go before the end of March, because I can't handle life anymore - when I'm not actively pussying out, I'm just at home fantasizing about killing myself, watching videos of people hanging themselves, reading these threads, etc.
I can barely sleep or eat, have no interest in doing anything, lay in bed all day feeling apathetic, I've stopped going to classes and therapy, I'm at my fucking wits end but can't seem to find the courage to do what I obsess about all day. It's driving me crazy.

i'm in your exact situation. i have a similar plan to yours, except im going to use a tree but i have to go out and look for one first. wanna talk more about this privately?

 

[computersrfun]

I see, I thought it was purely just about a guy, in which case I would say you will get over that with time. But I see you have other problems too. I wish you the best, whether you choose to live or die. Please keep us updated if you do decide to make another attempt.

Losing him was definitely the icing on the shit cake, but even while we were dating I lurked these forums and tried to buy SN. This has been a years long issue and the insanity of constant suffering for years is pushing me over the edge, I guess him leaving was the straw that broke the camels back ontop of everything else that's been eating at me.
I'm sure my pain doesn't compare to your genetic condition (which I'm sorry about), so thank you for being so kind to me and I wish you the best too.

i'm in your exact situation. i have a similar plan to yours, except im going to use a tree but i have to go out and look for one first. wanna talk more about this privately?

I'm so sorry you're suffering with in this miserable endless loop. It's so fucking draining. -hugs-

Sure, I'll send a pm.

 

[throneofdispair03]

I'm also doing partial hanging and i managed to black out during a ctb attempt, but the rope was too loose and it untied. I can assure you that it doesn't hurt whatsoever. It just feels like one second you're awake, and then you aren't. Also, that's a hangman's noose. A slipknot would work better in this method.

 

[The Schizoid]

This method may not be right for you then.

 

[zrh389]

Thanks! I have just enough money for alcohol and I have a whole bottle of Hydroxyzine. Last time I took 4 hydros and just fell asleep before I got back to the bridge. Hopefully I can ctb before the end of March if I keep pushing myself.

But I guess alcohol may make you pee yourself during hanging—-not clean

 

[Tellement]

My problem is just that I can't seem to get over the SI that kicks in when I have my neck in the damn noose and I just stand there for what feels like hours at a time looking at the ground going "this is gonna hurt, this is way too scary," instead of simply stepping off my chair

Hi, I really don't know whether this is against any guidelines and whether this will upset you or anyone but this really made me think about a pact. I was here yesterday and came back just to write this. I have been thinking about the issue of SI lately as well and contemplating alcohol etc. but like you and others pointed out there are also some downsides to alcohol that can hinder the process. Related to this, I can't really stop thinking about pacts as alternative, while also acknowledging that this has also a lot downsides and won't always help with the SI. I think I just needed to get this off of my chest. I normally don't see pacts as means for myself and am not really preoccupied with it, but can't stop thinking about it lately and reading your story yesterday really resonated.
Also I really don't want to pretend this is an option for you and maybe I wouldn't recommend it to anyone it all, it just sticks with me in the context of overcoming those last SI's (and since I can't stop thinking about your post for the last 24h I thought I had to return here).
Take care!

 

[computersrfun]

Hi, I really don't know whether this is against any guidelines and whether this will upset you or anyone but this really made me think about a pact. I was here yesterday and came back just to write this. I have been thinking about the issue of SI lately as well and contemplating alcohol etc. but like you and others pointed out there are also some downsides to alcohol that can hinder the process. Related to this, I can't really stop thinking about pacts as alternative, while also acknowledging that this has also a lot downsides and won't always help with the SI. I think I just needed to get this off of my chest. I normally don't see pacts as means for myself and am not really preoccupied with it, but can't stop thinking about it lately and reading your story yesterday really resonated.
Also I really don't want to pretend this is an option for you and maybe I wouldn't recommend it to anyone it all, it just sticks with me in the context of overcoming those last SI's (and since I can't stop thinking about your post for the last 24h I thought I had to return here).
Take care!

I'm really sorry to hear you're struggling so much. SI is a fucking bitch. Personally, I wouldn't be comfortable doing a pact because I don't want to encourage any harm to others, I just want my own pain to end. I wish you the best!